‘Mean girls’ don’t disappear just because you finish high school
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Why are we letting petty rivalries compromise our work for the greater good?
Growing up, I was bullied throughout my entire high school life. I wasn’t one of the ‘cool kids’, or one of the ‘rich kids’. I was more the chess buff, much too geeky, and a tough competitor on the hockey team – which did not put me in good standing with the cliques.
It took me years to overcome the backstabbing, gossiping, and purposeful exclusion. Years to find the confidence to be able to ignore the noise, and let everything wash over my head.
When I was young, I assumed adults would grow out of this sort of behaviour – and most do, becoming the amazing and supportive women in our community who I have been lucky enough to call my friends and colleagues.
These women are not threatened by each other, and go above and beyond to help other succeed. They are true role models.
That’s why it is devastating to see that in many other circles, the same bullying and attack tactics are still in play – with saboteurs who will do anything to go against everything we are trying to achieve.
This sort of behaviour crops up in the most surprising of places – even around the Australian Women in Security Awards, which I have been running for the past five years as a massive passion project to celebrate people’s contributions to the industry.
The awards are not, and never have been, a money making initiative – in fact, it could have ultimately been my downfall and cost me my company. Events like this take a massive amount of time and money to put together, and it was only last year – after four years of awards – that we just broke even. That’s why these awards cannot run without the support of the industry and sponsors.
In the midst of all this, I have found myself in the very same position as back in high school – encountering more bullies, backed into corners by industry ‘mean girls’, and wondering why I have become a target just for trying to elevate and applaud the amazing women and men of our industry.
You will have heard the mantra that women in security need to “see what they want to be”. These awards are meant to be a major initiative that allows the industry to motivate newcomers and veterans alike to see what they can become within this dynamic and amazing industry.
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Incredibly, they also seem to have put a target on my back.
There are deceptive attacks, passive aggression, and unkindness. The bullying I receive before, during, and after the event would crush most people and cause them to give up. There are complaints about nominees, companies, finalists, winners, sponsors, judging processes, awareness, transparency.
There are complaints about who won, and who didn’t. There are whispers, gossip, and complaints to other but nobody ever says anything to me personally – until I hear about it afterwards, then commit time to address the whisper campaigns and deal with the hurt.
This ‘Regina George’ mentality has been present in one form or another during much of my 22 years in the IT security industry – for me and so many other women who are constantly having hurdles thrown in their way.
We struggle enough as women trying to push into a male dominated industry; to bring one more woman into the boardroom; to speak up and be heard during meetings; to gain confidence at conferences. We fight to add more STEM education to our sons’ and daughters’ schools, without having to deal with the ‘mean girls’ or lift ourselves up after our confidence is shattered.
Aren’t we all here to be better to each other, and to support the greater good? If so, I’m unsure why we continue to hurl abuse at each other when we could be using that energy to work together trying to move the needle for women, non-binary and other underrepresented minorities in the industry.
The silver lining, I suppose, is that every year teaches me to become stronger, more confident, and more resilient. All of this pushes me out of my safe zone and into the unknown – where I will keep doing my damnedest to stay positive and supportive for the many amazing people in this industry who do the same.
One day, when I give this all up maybe, I might name and shame the bullies and their advocates, whose identities would surprise you. But in the meantime, I will focus on what I can control – my own actions. I will:
And I will never allow these negative, toxic individuals to define me. They should not have the power to affect me, or you, or anybody else. Focus on the positivity, and let the negativity of the ‘mean girls’ fall on deaf ears. We can achieve so much success if we just work together and focus on our common strengths, rather than creating problems to divide us.