Memory Care-Overcoming Guilt

We have all made promises with the best of intentions, only to realize that the promises we made were based more on hope than knowledge. A promise to a parent to always take care of them – no matter what – is a promise made with the best of intentions but without a lot of knowledge about what life will be like when it’s time to try to make good on that promise. The reality of caring for a loved one with middle to late-stage dementia is impossible to imagine before being faced with it in actuality. So why do we feel so guilty and ashamed of ourselves when circumstances require us to find care for our loved ones outside of the home?

The simple answer is that guilt is part of caring and caregiving. As a caregiver, we are asked every day to make choices for our loved ones - choices about safety, medical care, and even what to do with home and property - that may go against their express wishes. And in the case of a person suffering from one of the many forms of dementia, overriding promises made before dementia robbed your loved one of a full understanding of their situation may be in their and your best interests.

Guilt and Grief Go Hand in Hand

When a person makes a promise – especially to a parent or child, we take that promise seriously. We have every intention of seeing through on the promise, which is why when circumstances prevent you from carrying out that promise, we are overcome with a sense of true disappointment and even guilt. Guilt is tied to the belief that you “should” be able to fulfill your promise of caring for your loved one until the very end. But all caregivers have limits – both in terms of your ability to deliver the kind of care that is needed, but also financial, time and emotional limits. It’s impossible to fully appreciate the pressures of prolonged and progressive caregiving can have, and for those of us who have been there - it can be exhausting, mentally and physically.

Taking care of someone who is dying or needs constant supervision, like those who are memory or cognitively impaired, can be a Herculean task. Being a caregiver to an elderly parent, working full time, and raising a family are almost impossible tasks to juggle. Even if you do not work outside the home, it is still a daunting challenge to meet all the demands placed on you. Easy solutions are not always available. Even hiring home health caregivers to help ease the situation can be fraught with its own set of problems that can be more stressful than doing it yourself. Plus, there is also the expense involved that many cannot afford. 

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What mental health resources have you referred caregivers to?