Men don’t talk…or do they?

I recently posted on LinkedIn about the myth (I think) that men don’t talk as well as women – often enough, or deep enough. 

I think we can talk. It’s listening that we need to get better at. We listen to respond, ever keen to give our insights or jump in with a problem-solving solution. This is even more likely to happen when we see someone upset or distressed - we want to try and take the problem away (& the discomfort we feel) as quickly as possible.

So how can we improve?

The difference between hearing and listening

First off, let’s get clear on the difference between hearing and listening. 

Hearing is biological. The noise is being noticed, received and processed by your brain. You know someone is talking, and you know it’s aimed at you. If you’re just hearing, you might not even be able to properly summarise what the other person is saying, because it’s just noise. 

In comparison, listening is you actually taking in what the other person is talking about  – engaging with it, taking effort to think and understand that your friend or colleague may need something from you, even if that’s just an acknowledgment that you’re there for them.

The importance of W.A.I.T (ing)

Many men (although it’s not an exclusive issue) have a tendency to jump right in when they hear someone else talking and think they understand what the problem is. As soon as they pause to draw breath and sometimes before, we jump in. It’s not always intended to be rude – you might just think “I’ve got a solution to this problem! We don’t need to spend time discussing it, it’s already solved!”

Sometimes you spend the time ‘listening’ thinking about what you’re going to say next. That's listening to respond, not listening to understand.

Maybe it’s a problem you want to share, or something big that’s happening in your life. Especially when interactions happen under time constraints – meeting for a quick drink, or in the changing rooms, for example – there's sometimes a sense of pressure to download as much information as possible in the timeframe. 

I want to encourage you to W.A.I.T.

Why

Am

I

Talking

Has the person actually asked for your thoughts? 

If not, give them space to talk. You can ask investigative questions – how are you, how do you feel about that – but this isn’t your time to shine. Your time will come, but now they need you to listen to them. 

That pause that you're about to jump into, is perhaps a pause to process the next, deeper thought rather than your turn to speak.

Sometimes people just want a chance to get things off their chest. They don’t want you to create a solution, they want to feel supported. This is an act of kindness you can offer, and it will open up the conversation now, but also in the future, when they know you’re a good person to come and talk to.

But I can help!

You might be reading this and thinking “but James, I’ve got a lot of experience I can offer. Offering solutions shows I’m engaging with the problem and trying to help”. The problem is, the other person might not be up for a discussion. By talking, you’re derailing their space to fully explore the problem and start to solve it by themselves. It’s hard to get back on track after you’ve taken a diversion to your solution. You might actually be disempowering them, rather than helping.

If you’re unsure, and they’re looking at you like they’re expecting you to talk, try saying “do you want support or a solution?”. If you’ve historically jumped right into problem-solving, they might be waiting for you to do so now – you need to let them know just listening is an option.

With my kids, we've learned to ask "do you want help or a hug?" It's almost always hug first, help second (or just hug).

The benefits of listening

Active listening doesn’t just have benefits for you and your friends. It’s useful in all areas of life, even at work, when you might expect to be more focused on taking action. As the year draws to an end, many of us are feeling a bit tired and overwhelmed and just need someone to listen and lighten the load.

You’ve got the potential to make talking much easier, as well as improving empathy, overall communication, reducing conflict, empowering people to take more ownership of issues, and gaining better perspectives. Best of all, listening can unburden us from feeling like we have to fix things for everyone…

Sounds worth a try to me. Why not give it a go?

Take care,

James

Want to kickstart 2025?

If you’re looking to make changes to how you approach work and life in 2025, let’s chat. Whether you want to reduce stress, improve how you manage your workload or be a better manager and colleague, I can help.

james@jamespicklescoaching.co.uk

07855 315753

Linkedin: James Pickles. Connect with me if you’ve enjoyed this newsletter, want to hear my story of recovering from burnout, tips on performing more sustainably or just want some food for thought.