Mental Strength vs. Mental Illness

When I was 10 my mother attempted suicide for the first time. It was a pretty harsh introduction to the devastating impact mental health can have. The following decade saw her in and out of hospitals and largely bed ridden, essentially leaving us to grow up without her. I didn’t understand what was going on, I don’t remember ever talking about what was happening with anyone. I would hear that she “just needed to snap out of it”, that this was really her fault for not looking after herself, or at best that we just needed to just wait and see if she gets better. The difference between the reaction to, and treatment of a mental illness compared to a physical one was striking. If someone suffers a heart attack, they are treated immediately, with empathy, and are given clear guidelines for aftercare around their diet, exercise and stressors. When my mum was hospitalized, the focus was solely on getting her well enough to go home. It was all about getting well again. There was no compassion, no talk of staying well, no real aftercare, and no preventative measures given to ease the impact or stop it coming back. So it did...again, and again. 

When that happened, I felt all the things I’m sure anyone who goes through something similar feels. Anger, hurt, resentment. Even now, despite the fact that she is better, the impact of what happened is still felt, and our relationship never really recovered. But although I lost my mum, what I gained was a real understanding of the fragility of mental health, and a determination that this would never happen to me. Especially as I knew genetics play such a big factor in susceptibility to mental illness, my awareness of my own mental health heightened and I became fixated on making sure it didn’t beat me, like it beat my mum. For me getting ill and getting well again wasn’t an option, I just had to stay well.

This feeling only intensified when I had my own daughter. I couldn’t stand the thought of putting her through what I went through and all those feelings bubbled up to the surface again. I’m aware how selfish this sounds, but the feeling of being “let down” by your parents is one that doesn’t see reason, a better understanding of mental illness now doesn’t change the fact that at the time it felt like my mum had chosen to abandon me. Unfortunately, as happens for so many mothers, the birth of my new baby, combined with an abusive relationship, and series of traumatic events took too much of a toll on my own mental health. After all those years fighting off depression, all of a sudden I wasn’t winning the battle anymore.

I didn’t recognize that I was ill at first, my family and friends didn’t notice. I didn’t let it show in my work; I put on an exhausting act for my daughter. I’m grateful that since then people’s attitude towards mental health has evolved. The stigma, while still there, is lesser, and people’s awareness around the subject is much improved. It’s more possible for people to talk openly about their struggles, and to get a diagnosis and help. But I actually credit that struggle to do it alone for building up my mental strength to get better. That is not to say people SHOULD struggle alone, certainly not, but I firmly believe focusing on my own mental strength is what saved me from the same fate as my mum. The journey would have absolutely been smoother if I had had people to talk to, and I urge anyone who is struggling to talk to people about it, you’ll be surprised how many people have experienced mental health issues, and how much they want to help. It takes incredible mental strength just to recognize when you might need help, and the act of asking for help early is so crucial for recovery. Before my first “bout” of mental illness I believed my life experiences had hardened me to the point where I was “immune” to mental illness. I realize now that all those years I was carefully watching my emotions, staring defiantly at dark thoughts, questioning my own behaviors, I was actually building up my own mental strength, ready to tackle the illness when it came. 

Mental health is much closer to being considered in the same way as physical health than it was. But we rarely place an emphasis on mental strength unless someone is already struggling with mental illness. We don’t start going to the gym or working out to get physically stronger when we are already ill, we do so preventatively so we are healthier and better able to fight illness if/when it comes. The same should be true of building up mental strength. To be very clear, you can definitely be mentally strong, and still have mental illness. Having mental illness doesn’t mean you aren’t mentally strong, just like physical illness isn’t caused by a lack of physical strength. Even if you’ve no history of mental health issues in your family, a single event can have a huge impact on your mental health, and that’s why it’s so important to be mentally strong, so if/when that does happen, you have the strength to work through it.

Mental health is often considered or defined as the “absence of mental illness”, but mental health is a spectrum, a spectrum that can change wildly and unexpectedly. No year has proven that more than this last year which has been an unexpected test for everyone. This NYT article talks about the fact that a lot of us, while not necessarily feeling suicidal, are experiencing an indifference to everything and an inability to find joy in anything. This is where mental strength is so important. The most difficult thing about mental illness is how unpredictable it is. While you can take steps to reduce the risk of mental illness, like exercising or eating well it’s not something you can anticipate or control. What I like about focusing instead on mental strength is it’s a choice, a discipline that you can choose to work on, just like working out. It’s comforting to me just to feel like I’m taking charge of something so unruly.

Thanks to my mum I’m much better at practicing healthy mental habits, than healthy physical habits. I’m much more likely to question a negative thought, than I am to second guess my decision to order large fries or drink another beer. I’m never going to be in a position to give tips on working on your physical strength, but I hope I can be helpful here. To many this probably just feels like common sense, especially to those that haven’t experienced how unreasonably your mind works when you are suffering from a mental illness. Nothing would piss me off more when I was in the deepest throes of depression than being given unsolicited advice, like, “just go for a nice walk”, or “try cutting out (insert alcohol/food group/sugar)”, so if that’s how this feels to you I truly apologize. But maybe (hopefully) this will be as helpful to someone as it has been for me.

Let it all out

Talk about your feelings to family, friends, a stranger or a therapist, or if that makes you feel uncomfortable write them down. I know just the act of writing this article was very cathartic for me. Perhaps that’s why I did it? Who knows? Who cares? I just know it will make you feel better letting it all out. Many people I know who struggle with mental illness have said that they thought their mental illness came completely out of the blue, until they opened up and realized all the things they were bottling up, or dismissing. Talking through your feelings will help you understand your emotions, rationalize them, and in turn build up your mental strength. No one worth having around is going to mad at you for asking for help. Ever.

Try cognitive exercises

There are some great cognitive exercises you can do to build up your mental strength. Practicing talking to yourself like you’re a good friend rather than your own worst enemy is a helpful way to treat yourself better and show yourself more compassion. When you feel like everything is hopeless, try convincing yourself the opposite is true. It’s obviously easier said than done in those moments of despair, but it’s worth mentioning even if you’re able to remember to do it just once. My therapist once said to me, “would you talk to your daughter, the way you talk to yourself?” The answer was obviously no, I’d be a pretty heinous parent. That always helps me to remember to stop being such an arsehole to myself.

Lean out (sorry Sheryl Sandberg)

Acknowledging when you’re low and taking control of these feelings is very empowering. Sometimes it’s helpful to lean into those feelings and really engage with them, sometimes it’s better to take a step back so you can rationalize your thoughts. My husband and I refer to the person I “become” when my mental health is low as “Sheryl”. Sheryl is a bitch, we hate Sheryl. I apologize on behalf of Sheryl’s behavior, and we celebrate when she leaves, like any other unwanted house guest. A psychologist would likely say this kind of dissociation is unhealthy, but calling it by a name, allows me to distance myself from those feelings, make fun of them, control them and being able to use logic and reason to get Sheryl out of my house works for me. Referring to Sheryl as another person also helps me resist the temptation to think hateful things about myself, as above, the ability to resist the urge to be self critical is vital for good mental strength.

Commit ahead of time

I have made the commitment to my family that I will always take action when I’m feeling low, whether that be therapy, exercise, medication or just taking a break. Ignoring it, or hoping it goes away isn’t an option. Similarly my husband has committed to understanding when I’m low, not taking it personally and giving me the space I need to find my feet again. When your mental health is low committing to do absolutely anything feels impossible, but making a promise to take action ahead of time helps to feel a little less helpless and less like your wellbeing is completely out of your hands.

Challenge = Strength

When you view challenges you’ve faced as an opportunity to be stronger, it’s easier to feel better about the times when life hits you hard. But mental strength isn’t about being stoic and tough, it’s about preparing yourself for those unexpected blows. Get flexing those mental muscles, so that whenever the time comes to take on mental illness you can put up a bloody good fight.