Miscarriage: The Pain Behind The Smile

Grief has a funny way of sneaking up on you, doesn’t it? 

On the outside, you’re expected to hold it all together, flashing that familiar smile, answering messages, attending work and social events. 

But inside? It's a different story. 

You might be drowning in a sea of emotions, but you're doing your best to keep up the appearance of being "okay" - even when you're anything but.

After the loss of my 5th pregnancy, I wore my smile like a shield. 

At work, I was the new employee, eager to prove myself, and showing vulnerability felt like the last thing I could afford. 

I began to mask my sorrow, pushing my pain aside, afraid that if I showed even a hint of sadness, others would start questioning my capabilities, my willingness, and my strength. 

To cope, I turned to drinking, a way to numb the hurt, even if just for a few hours. I was functional on the surface, but internally, I was far from okay.

As time went on, I became more and more detached. 

The drinking started to increase. At work, I maintained that professional mask, but behind closed doors, I felt like I was sinking deeper. 

The people around me - my colleagues, friends - didn’t see it. 

And that was the point. I didn’t want them to. 

It was easier to be a distant, quiet version of myself than to open up about the pain that felt so raw and unhealable. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried to talk to some but, I guess they were overwhelmed by my pain, gave me a “it will get better” or “nature has its reasons” - some ‘logical BS’ as I called it at the time. As if my pain would magically disappear if I just logically thought about what Mother Nature was actually doing… WHAAAAT???!!!!

And at home? I began to withdraw even more. I pulled away from my partner, unable to explain the emotional chasm I was feeling. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be close; it was that I didn’t know how to share something so deep and personal as it seemed to me that he was fine and not grieving. 

This emotional disconnect only made me feel lonelier, as if the grief was mine to carry alone.

But grief doesn’t follow a straight path. And it doesn’t have to look the same for everyone. If you're reading this and struggling with your own loss, I want you to know this - it's okay to grieve in your own way. 

There’s no "right" way to process pain, no timeline for when you should "feel better." 

Some people cry. Others get angry. Some may shut down entirely, as I did. It’s all valid. 

The key is to allow yourself the space to feel, without judgement, without pressure to be anything other than what you are in that moment.

You don’t have to "get over it" - you just have to get through it. 

And sometimes, getting through it means taking things one moment, one breath, at a time.

If you’re struggling with this, please, be kind to yourself. Self-compassion is the first step toward healing. Understand that your journey is your own. No one can dictate how you should feel or when you should feel better. Healing comes in waves, and there will be times when it feels overwhelming. 

And remember, it’s okay to let yourself be where you are. 

The path may be difficult, but with time, understanding, and patience, healing can happen.

Above all, know that you’re not alone in this. Grief is not a solitary experience, even if it sometimes feels like it. You have the right to mourn in your own way, and that is the first step toward reclaiming your peace.

In the next newsletter I’m going to share how my partner and I found each other again after our losses.

Love,

Anna

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