Must read tips for men getting divorced

Must read tips for men getting divorced

The first Monday of the year following the 1st of January is known as Divorce Day. For many the stress of Christmas can be the final straw and the idea of starting new beginnings at the start of a new year seems like a good one.

Here are some of my top tips for men who might be facing this prospect today or in the coming weeks.


1.       Take responsibility. You will have contributed to the situation in one way or another. The quicker you sit down and take a look at that the better. Around three quarters of divorces are instigated by the woman and as such can come as a bit of a surprise to many guys. More often or not there will have been plenty of signs that you missed, leading up to this point. Taking responsibility for your part will give you a much better chance of either saving the marriage or having less damaging divorce.

2.      Don’t act on emotions. Easier said than done, I know, but this is a time for considered decision making. Take time, rant at your best mate or therapist and get it off your chest before responding to messages or making decisions.

3.      Allow yourself to be vulnerable: Having said the above, it is also really important that you sit with your emotions. This is and extremely emotional event, bottling them up will only end badly. Choose the person who you let it all to carefully though.

4.      Not all advice is worth taking:  Everyone around you will have an opinion and will be more than willing to tell you what they think you should do. Whilst most of this will be well meaning it will often come with either their personal agenda or from their own experiences and biases. Each situation is different and there can often be some use from listening to what others have been through, it is better to seek advice from professionals and neutral parties.

5.      Think about the kids: If there are children involved, consider the effect of everything you do or say on them. One of the most powerful phrases I have heard is “put your children in the centre of your divorce, rather than in the middle of it”. The children are innocent parties in all of this. It will be a scary and confusing time for them. Remain calm and consistent when around them. Do not say negative things to them about their mum or about the marriage.

6.      Stick to positive routines: If you’re still in the house or if you have moved out, try to keep to as many of the normal routines as possible. One big change in your life is enough for now. You will need all of your mental bandwidth to focus on the big decisions that you’ll need to make. If you do make changes, make them positive ones. Find time for yourself and give yourself space to process and think. Try to get daily exercise even if it’s going for a walk each day. Do not start staying up all night playing computer games or hitting the pub, drinking or taking other drugs. It can become a negative spiral.

7.      Don’t take solace in the arms of another: Do not jump straight into another relationship or start speaking to an ex or potential future partner about your situation. Even if your wife has done so. This will cloud your judgement and can bring a different dimension into an already complex situation. If you don’t manage to repair the marriage, there will be plenty of time to explore all of that. This is a time to retain your energy and focus for yourself and your family.

8.      Take time: Even if your divorce is amicable and mutual, there will be some grief at the loss of the relationship and your companion. It may not happen immediately, and it may be subtle, but it will affect you. Be kind to yourself and don’t expect to be operating at your normal capacity. For some, it may take a year or so before getting back to 100%. Allow for this and factor it in to your expectations. 

Elaine Foster

Practicing Family Lawyer and Divorce Specialist at Divorce Without Lawyers There is a better way to get divorced - Let me show you how!

5y

Brilliant advice. As a divorce lawyer it’s often assumed that we (the supposed professionals) are always spoiling for a fight, but actually working with clients who can remain aware of their emotions and take a certain amount of necessary responsibility is by far the better approach for all.

Andrea Bassett

Executive Ghostwriter + Content Writer | Group Benefits | Corporate Wellness | Insurance | EAP | Digital Health | Freelance

5y

Great advice for helping folks get through divorce peacefully. You're doing good work here, Fidel Modernman Beauhill. My parents had a peaceful divorce when I was a youngster and I always thought they did it the right way.

Claire Russell

Head Hobnobber, CEO, Speaker, Creator of Mental Health Programs - breaking down barriers in Workplace Mental Health

5y

Brilliant advice. I've been there - I know you have. There is nothing I would add or change and I hope a lot of people see this :)

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