My Career As A Single Parent

There have been many challenges I have faced in my life; the Marines, the pressure of being a college student, standing up on stage alone in front of thousands of people, the loss of a job and even the death of a parent; but the most challenging, and most rewarding, has been being a single parent.

Now, 14 years later, I am on the other side of that challenge. This fall, my son started college at MCAD, Minneapolis College of Art & Design and is positively engaged with his education. He is a happy and healthy young man preparing for his own challenges in life.

The road to this day has been long and at times, simply exhausting but as I have watched him grow, it has been worth it because of each and every moment.

The Loss

This story started out so very happy, for 8 years I was with my son’s mother and for me, these were some of the happiest times of my life. I had finally figured out some of the many moving parts of my complicated life but in this relationship with my fiancé, I found the power to excel in ways I had never imagined about before in my life; she was my Muse, my audience. What I did, I did to impress her and the more she was impressed, the further out I reached and accomplished my once impossible goals.

I had become a Motivational Speaker, addressing over 30,000 students throughout the tristate area; a full time college student; I developed my passion for my creative writing, a father to an impressionable young boy and two great teenage daughters, but I felt most successful because of the relationship I was in with a woman I truly loved. It was the one thing I had sought after the most in life; a family consisting of a father, a mother and a child under one roof. Something I never had in my childhood, nor did my daughters.

In life times change and people change, and sometimes we do not have a choice in what happens to us. For me, it all fell apart when she met someone and moved away. That first year was so strange because I tried my best to win her back, I was willing to forgive her and to start everything anew. When it dawned on me that she was in love with someone else, that began a period of numbness, more commonly known as depression. This went on for 18 months and I remember thinking I would never be able to get back up on stage again; I would never be “That Man” ever again.

This is when I realized, I still had a choice. I did not have to let life happen to me like I did in my first custody battle, I decided to choose another direction. I took the emotional love I had for his mother out into the field, killed it with a rock and built a concrete wall around my heart. I had to take my focus off of her and concentrate on what was best for my son. At this point in time, my son and I had been living on our own for almost a year with her seeing him every other weekend. I chose to legalize this arrangement and turn it into law!

The Fight

On December 7th 2006, I filed for custody and because we were not married she took him from me until the March 14th court date. That Christmas was the loneliest time I have ever lived through and it nearly broke me. The tree with presents underneath it was a daily reminder of my son’s absence. The silence in my home was so deafening, just filled with empty, cold, dead, space. My son’s friends built two snowmen outside our window, a big one and little one so I would have something to look at when I looked out there.

I was under tremendous pressure as I entered my final semester at college in January and I was having issues concentrating on my studies. My Mother once said you don’t just go through four years of education while in college, you also go through life constantly happening. If I were to give a recommendation to college students it would be this; do not take Statistics in your final round of classes. This one class could have held me back from graduation so I spent more time in the math resource center than I did in the classroom.

March 14th rolled around and because I was broke, unemployed, I was able to find 2 Guardian Angels with the Lawyers Volunteer Network who took my case pro bono and these ladies were like Ninjas in the courtroom. My two daughters from a previous marriage ended up growing up with their mother and I remained very close to them; they were in their teens when all of this was going on but I did not have them on a daily basis. I wanted that lifestyle for me and my son.

My son was my second chance to be a father again so from day one, I took the lead in everything regarding him as he was growing up. Every piece of paper regarding his life, his education and his health had my signature on it. That day, the Judge told me to leave the courtroom, go get my son and bring him home until this case was settled. That night we celebrated Christmas.

Starting Over

I remember when I first started, the future was so unknown, so unsure; I was not confident I could do it because there were so many unknown factors. I graduated that June and found myself on public assistance, a place I did not want to be but it was there where I found my opportunity. For my employment search, I had to go to a Job Club and it was there where my natural abilities of helping people were seen by staff members. My Mother was an Employment Counselor and so talking about interviewing and resume writing was already a skill I had developed as a child of Evelyn Fairbanks.

I was encouraged to apply with them and I landed a job as a Career Counselor and thus my career was born in the social services field. I remember my first week of work, I asked my soon to be mentor, Mel, how do I know if I am helping these single mothers and she said, “Just Take Care of Them Babies!” The logic being, don’t just get them a job as that could be just a temporary fix if it does not make them happy. Find them a career in something they are passionate about and in the bigger picture, those children will benefit from long term employment and a much happier parent.

Another milestone from that first week of employment, a woman came up to me and said “What do you know about being a single parent, coming here with your tie and college degree?” It was in that moment, this job made complete sense to me; I could speak from experience and that validated my purpose and work ethic. I told her just that morning, I woke my son up, got him showered, fed him, packed his lunch (with a little note) and took him to daycare before I came to work. She actually said, “Men can be single parents???” I was living proof and served as an example of what they were searching for in life; not just a job but a career while parenting.

Paradigm Shift

When my daughters were little, they had the security of their mother’s roof with my financial support. I had my own place but now, I was the provider and I knew I had a long term goal of training my son to be an adult. I remember my theme song was Will Smith’s, “Just the Two of Us” and I drew inspiration from his movie “The Pursuit of Happyness” (yes, spelled that way) helped guide me in my cause and quest because I knew we could make it, if we try.

I remember a quote that gave me excellent guidance about parenting: “Don’t worry that they never listen to you, worry they are always watching you.” This piece of advice served as a filter for many of my decisions I made as I watched him, watch me. My commitment to being a part of his education, participating in school events, attending conferences and sporting events helped him see the kind of parent I was to him.

For any of you just starting down this road, it is okay to cry first thing in the morning as long as you get on to a productive day. Although, not the most marketable in the relationship field, it is okay to date, as long as your children always come first. It is okay to put your child before your career, as long as you keep pursuing your career. It is okay to not have all of the bells and whistles of a two income household, as long as there is love in the home. It is okay to be concerned about problems, as long as you keep finding solutions.

Like the quote says, it does not matter how many times you fall down, and you will; what matters most is finding the courage to get back up again.

My son had some challenging early years in school with AD/HD and Asperger’s Autism but together, we made our way through it and then when he embraced his education, he felt more confident about himself. We enrolled him in 4 Honors classes every semester in high school which earned him a $60,000 scholarship.

It was easier being single during his high school years; romance and having a teenage child do not always go together. I chose not to let anyone come in between us, and I know it created a stronger bond between me and my son because we did not have to share each other with anyone else. This gave me a chance to focus on my career and my son on his education. During this time I self-published 4 times with my most important work being, “Inside The Matrix: The Power of Choice.”

You do not make a lot of money in the non-profit world so for four years, I worked three jobs until I could get by with just one job. I was encouraged to get a second job but by this time, I preferred to stay at home and make my son home cooked meals while he did his daily 3-4 hours of homework and then we would spend time together. I wanted him to have memories of me being home during his childhood and not being someplace else.

End Game

Now that my son is a man and I look back over the past 14 years, I am amazed that everything turned out as great as it did. I have run two marathons in my life, and raising a child alone was my third. To make it the entire way, one must pace themselves and learn to take baby steps; sometimes just one day at a time.

Self-care must be near the top of your To Do list because without it, depression, fear and anxiety can seep into your mind and create massive doubt. We learn this lesson every time we get on an airplane and they say if the oxygen masks come out, put yours on first. If you pass out trying to get it on someone first, then you both lose.

We should choose to not live in the past and as best we can, not worry about the future; life as a single parent is often times living in The Now. Sometimes we need to find success just getting through one day. Yes, plan for tomorrow but exist in today, live in the moment. I remember I rushed my daughters through childhood, always wanting them to take on more responsibility. With my son, I learned to savor his childhood and to allow him to enjoy being a youngster and then in time, when he was ready, he wanted more responsibility.

I want to encourage all single parents out there, and I assure you that you are not alone, please know you can do this and that you can indeed be an effective, positive parent. The magical ingredient is love and it will get you through many a tough day. I remember watching my son sleep after a particularly hard day and it made that day worth it and after enough of those days, you begin to see the bigger picture.

Please feel free to share your story and remember, You Can be Successful and Raise Awesome Children as long as You Stick to Your Plan and “Take Care of Them Babies!”