My dealings with The Black Dog (Depression) - Blokes don't talk about this, do we!!! Bloody right we do - It's OK!!!!

I had to think long and hard before posting this in 2020 , should I put it on paper, should I put it up for people to see, will it upset people (ie my family),  but in the light on recent things that have happened both in Ireland where I am from and the unbelievable situation NZ  and the rest of the world is in at present I thought I should. Look this may give one person a little bit of help, it may not, but if it even gives a person a glimmer of hope then it is worth it and I will continue to put it up in the hope it does.

 I have never really talked about my dealings with depression or suicidal thoughts or indeed the spiral my life took due to numerous factors a major one being alcohol.

It came to a head in December of 2013 to be honest. I had recently left Ireland and moved to Saudi Arabia where I was working on a life changing project (and I mean life changing). I was now on good money, was living in a fully expensed apartment, and flown to Dubai monthly for a fully expensed Visa run / R&R session. I remember it just hit me one day, I was sitting eating lunch looking at the apartment block where I was staying, and I thought would anyone really care if I jumped, would me doing so make people’s lives easier in the long run, I sat and looked and racked my brains to think of reasons not to.

I am not a talker; I don’t talk about my feelings and never have really. I am a bloke and blokes don’t do it do we. I am not going to go to deep into my past as it isn’t really that relevant. I lost my Dad when I was 20 years old and looking back it probably sent me a bit sideways. I quickly became “That guy” who would always be up for going for a pint or twenty and quickly found myself in a not so brilliant relationship with booze… I drank most days and got hammered when I did…I didn’t drink alone so I always justified it that I was with mates having a laugh and I didn’t have a problem. But on reflection I did, with booze but more so with my mental health. I hated to be alone, my partner at the time worked in a pub and it was where I felt safe and comfortable. Long story short, I have lost several jobs in the past as I wouldn’t turn up with hangovers, I was pissed when I got to work, I wouldn’t call in sick because I was embarrassed etc… This went on for a long while. My relationship, which wasn’t great in the first place broke up I spiralled even worse than before, I moved back to Ireland and was determined to change. I didn’t I just found new excuses to “have a laugh”.

“It wasn’t meant to be”, “I am grand”, “yeah I am up for going out”, “Yep my life is pretty good right now” and many other lines like these were my go to – It was all bullshit and bravado – What people didn’t see was me not getting out of bed until 5/6pm, the constant feeling that life was passing me by and there was nothing I could do about it, the feeling sorry for myself and just generally not coping. But I couldn’t let people see it, I had it in my dumb head that it was a sign of weakness and admitting I had a problem would make me look like a complete sack…..

I honestly believe that things happen for a reason, I parted company with a recruitment firm that I had been working with in Dublin and two days later I got a call to move to Saudi Arabia on a three-month contract. I jumped at the chance as I needed to get away. As I said the money was great, the lifestyle was great but something was still niggling away at me and on that trip to Dubai I sat there with a hangover thinking ‘fuck this - what am I doing with myself, I seem to have a self-destruct button that I can’t help but hit constantly, I am 35 and have done nothing worthwhile in my life”- it is a fucking horrible feeling to have and I am sure many people have had it. I am not entirely sure what stopped me that day, but something did, and I am so glad that it did. Less than a month later I met the most amazing woman I know, we spent a further 18 months in Saudi before returning to NZ and are now married and have two amazing kids, on top of this I am just coming to the end of the  fourth year of running my own recruitment company here in New Zealand.

My point is this, I don’t profess to have all the answers, in fact I don’t really have any answers to how or why people get in slumps like I was in - pressure, expectations, a need to fit in and be liked, for me it was a mix of all of them and more. What I do know is it can and will get better, I didn’t speak to anyone, and it ate away at me for years and got me to the point where I was, if I had opened up just a little I know for a fact some of the pressure would have released, probably exploded out to be fair, but that would have been one hell of a weight lifted. This is not meant to be a look at how good I am doing piece, things are still fucking hard - we are not flush by any stretch of the imagination, we have a mortgage and I lose sleep over money and other family & business matters nightly and yes from time to time I do get down and wonder if I am doing right by my wife and kids. But what I am saying is this, If I had followed through with what I was thinking on that day and the days / months leading up to it  I wouldn’t be here right now having these sleepless nights and waking up beside my wife and spending time with my two little lads.

This sounds like a cliché, and I don’t fucking care, It is OK to not to be OK, it is OK to ask for help, it is OK to break down and cry… Please just speak to someone, a friend, a colleague, the bloke beside you at the bar or pick up the phone and call one of the many dedicated help lines (some listed below). It may seem bleak right now and that life is nothing but a huge pile of shite, but it will turn around, maybe not tomorrow or the next day but it WILL and you are far too important to not be there to experience what is coming….

I hope this helps someone…

Cheers

Kieran

Help Lines

New Zealand

1737

Lifeline Aotearoa – 0800543354

Healthline – 0800 611 116

Samaritans – 0800 726 666

Australia

131114

Ireland

PIETA - 1800 247 247