My dear friend Claudia

I want to introduce you to my very dear friend Claudia. I know Claudia since I was a little girl. She helped me a lot during the more difficult parts of my childhood.

You see,I grew up in a traditional family of 4 kids. My parents met later in life and had 4 kids together. My mom was a stay-at home mom, coming from a very religious upbringing. Her husband had joined the church she was a part of and the life they were building was exactly what she always had wanted. My dad had met my mom after having experienced a significant loss in his life, looking for meaning and direction. The church seemed to offer both during this difficult time of his life.

Not having the tools or skills to become aware of, let alone talk about or consolidate their very different upbringing and values in life, it is no wonder that the marriage failed after about 10 years.

As a young child I was exposed to growing discourse and misalignment in my parents marriage.

After my father had left the family (I was 8 years old), my mother had to  take care of 4 children and step into the workforce. Due to her lack of experience and education (and the need for flexibility), she could only get low-paid jobs. Money was always lacking.

My mother managed somehow. All her 4 kids have an education, provide for themselves and have families today.

I have the utmost respect for my mother, who has worked through those difficult years and managed to come out at the other side.

However, my mother wasn't thriving ( understandably so) and even though she 'managed',this came at a cost for her children.

My mother slid into a form of depression that hasn't left her since the divorce. All joy had left our house. I can't remember many moments of lightness or laughter. Instead there was worry and hardship on many days, an apathy on the rest of them. The financial pressure, the care for 4 kids and a house, her dreams shattered, having to do unfilling work and the shame she felt of divorcing in front of her congregation (and the world)… all of this brought my mom to her limits. And who can blame her for that?

But this meant that as a kid I have seen my mom crying, screaming and running away, when she wasn’t in a state of apathie. My mom was always exhausted and there wasn't much love or energy to give during any day. There were no cuddles, games or intimate conversations. There was no light-heartedness, fun or enjoyment.

This is where ‘Claudia’ comes in. As a child I didn't feel safe. I was worried about my mom most of the time and especially  when I saw her cry (which was often). I was worried about money all the time, wondering what would happen to us. Asking for money to buy things my friends had, made me feel very guilty. I experienced a constant feeling of unsafety. My coping mechanism was 'taking responsibility'. I became the good kid, supporting my mom at every turn. I made sure I was doing great at school. I started working at a young age, to not burden my mom with my wishes. I didn't go to parties or drank alcohol. And I never had a boyfriend while I lived with my mom. As I got older I drove my mom to church and stood by her, while my siblings quietly stopped going. I tried to control the uncontrollable. Proactiveness, anticipating problems and working really hard was my way to create a slither of safety for myself.

I learned to observe my surroundings most keenly. I learned how to pick up on every shift of mood and energy and I somehow trained myself to feel responsibility for that.

'Claudia' is the name I gave that voice inside of me, that part of me, that feels this responsibility till today.

Till today I feel an insane need to control my surroundings (and that includes the people I live with). I work hard and I keep things neat and tidy. I plan and anticipate. I correct myself and everyone who is close to me. I can feel everyone's mood at a high accuracy and I notice any ever so slightly shift in energy or mood.

‘Claudia’ has been so very helpful to me, during my childhood. She helped me to feel safe in an unsafe situation. She taught me so much. I'm very grateful, that I'm sensitive and that I can read people so well. I'm grateful for my planning skills and for that huge drive to advance. And my sense of responsibility has many benefits.

I never realized that Claudia was there until later in life. And because she has flown under the radar for so long, she had taken over much more than ever necessary. To be honest with you, she had gotten a bit out of control and worked insane over-time.

Here are some of the problems that out-of-control Claudia has created for me:

• Inability to rest and truly relax; just being is difficult for me, I always have to do something
• Being too critical; I have a strong need to correct and criticise (my husband knows what I'm talking about and would call it my tendency to nag)
• Feeling often uncomfortable around others; I notice every mood and have a tendency to take responsibility for it as in, 'what have I done to cause this?' or "what do I need to do to fix this?'
• Getting quickly exhausted by other people (for the same reason

Conclusion

Claudia has been a significant part of my life, a voice that arose from my childhood experiences, helping me navigate through tough times. Her constant vigilance and responsibility provided a sense of safety and control during my formative years. However, as I have grown, I’ve realised that while Claudia was essential for my survival then, she no longer serves me in the same way today.

Through coaching, I have learned to differentiate Claudia's voice from my true self. This process has been liberating, allowing me to step into my own power, rest, and truly relax. Claudia, while no longer needed in her old capacity, remains a respected part of my journey, a reminder of the resilience and adaptability I developed.

As conscious leaders, it is crucial to become aware of the different voices in our heads. Understanding and managing these inner dialogues allows us to lead more authentically and effectively, creating environments of trust and growth for our teams.

If my story resonates with you, and if you recognise your own 'Claudia'—a part of yourself that has helped but now needs to rest—coaching can provide the tools to separate from old patterns, embrace new ways of being, and ultimately lead a more empowered and balanced life.

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