My experience with grief

My experience with grief.

There are so many emotions when it comes to grief, the shock and trauma of the event, sadness because you have lost someone who made an impact in your life, anger why us why them?

Guilt also plays a huge part in your grief, when the person you have lost is gone its so overwhelming you think of every situation you may have done wrong or wishing you had done more, trust me when I say you name it you feel it!

There is no right or wrong ways to manage grief and that’s what all these emotions add up to its because you are grieving.

I guess we would all just love to have someone sit us down and tell us how we will cope with our loss and to tell us it will all be fine.

We want someone to explain to us that what we are feeling is completely normal and that others have been through this too and that one day all the pain will stop.

It is safe to say everyone grieves differently and I am here to share with you my story on grief and the pain I experienced and how I managed to slowly get my life back on track.

For me I have had quite a few losses in my life, I’ve lost both grandparents on both sides of the family, I’ve lost a friend from suicide and recently I have lost my mum.

No one in life can ever prepare you for the loss of your mum. Its something you know will happen one day but when the day comes the pain is honestly like no other, the pain is honestly something you can never explain.

I knew my mum had a life limiting disease so I was aware we could have maybe a few years left with her, but I never expected the shock and trauma of the day when it came.

I always used to wonder how and where I would be when I get the dreaded call I always used to wonder if I would be at work or maybe just out with friends. I used to overthink it all the time and drive myself crazy and grieve for my mum before she had even passed (which is completely normal)

My anxiety had heightened so much, I found myself being stressed from the simplest of things, work, friends, life in general. I even had a seizure for the first time in my life as my body could not cope with the thought of loosing my mum.

Life changed for me I didn’t want to go out everything felt so heavy, I spent a lot of time going home and caring for my mum with my dad who became her full time carer. My mind was constantly in overdrive wanting to make the last few years with my mum more memorable then ever.

My mum had been referred to the Macmillan hospice who informed us that my mum was no where near close to dying she had another good two years left in her. The next morning my mum passed away in hospital. She had a chest infection which affected her lung disease and her body gave up and was no longer taking in any of the oxygen she was on.

I found out my mum was in hospital when I was in work, I had a call from my sister who never calls me in the morning so I knew something was going on. She said I needed to come back to Stoke to help out with mum whilst she was in hospital and take it in turns with my family to be with her whilst the infection cleared with antibiotics on a drip. Just an hour later I had the call whilst I was on the train that my mum had passed.

The shock was like no other, I felt so weak I fell to my knees, I couldn’t stop screaming and crying I was so angry. I had to wait an hour to get to Stoke as I was arriving from Manchester and the journey felt like no other.

I could not compose myself on the train, people would stare at me, the look of awkwardness from everyone on my carriage as they did not know what to say or do with me. I was hysterically crying ‘please don’t say my mum has gone’ and not one person until the last 20 minutes of my journey came to sit with me to see if I was okay.

I now understand that not many people know what to say or do in these situations as not many people have experienced anything like this or anything this close to my loss. But I had thought at the time surely people feel and would want to make sure I was alright but I was wrong.

I finally arrived at Stoke where I was picked up to be taken to my mum in hospital which I was there greeted by my dad, sister, aunty and uncle. I was the last immediate family member to arrive.

I cannot describe the feeling of seeing my mum on that hospital bed, dead. Completely lifeless and gone. I don’t remember a lot from that day as I seem to have blocked a lot out from all of the adrenaline and shock but what I can say is that the moment of seeing my mum for the first time still haunts me months later and the trauma is something I will never forget.

Since loosing my mum I have learnt so much about grief and how much its pushed to the back and expected to be forgotten about. Everyone deals with grief in so many different ways whether that’s ignoring it and pushing it aside, talking about it and sharing it to let it out or even just keeping busy and distracted.

Everyone copes with grief differently and its learning how to try and find a balance with how others around you deal with loss (which can be extremely difficult!)

For the first month you find yourself in overdrive trying to get everything sorted chapel of rest, funeral, making sure people know and managing the legal paperwork. The whole process keeps you busy and distracted. Both myself and my sister have both said those moments feel like a blur due to the adrenaline you go through at the time. You also have so many people in contact with you, checking in, seeing if there is anything they can help with literally from morning to night my phone would be going off way more than normal.

The loss of your loved one only really hits you when the funeral has been and gone, when all the people disappear after the funeral and your left with the realisation that this is real. For some people it can takes days, weeks even months or maybe even years for the shock to go and for you to finally come to terms with what has happened. As soon as I returned to Manchester I started to feel empty everything started to slowly creep in, my mum was gone and there was nothing I could do about it.

Its such a strange feeling because there are times where you still go to call or text then the realisation hits you that they have gone and they will never again answer the phone.

I moved out of my family home a long time ago so I am used to being on my own and managing my emotions on my own but for the first time in my life I found it incredibly hard and I still till this day I don’t know how to express how I feel at times.

I am quite a strong and confident individual and I like to think I can get through most things but I have to say this is the first time I have wanted support and help but I felt like I couldn't reach out to people to say I was struggling as I am known as the strong one.

My family are not maternal people and they struggle to know how to comfort me when I get upset about my mum, which I understand because they were never taught how to open up and express how they feel as there generation is so different.

Trying to find a balance between my dad who prefers to keep everything in and myself was incredibly difficult. I found myself needing to walk out of a room just to cry on my own because it was easier that way when really all I needed was someone to grab me, hug me and tell me its okay.

I remember just before the funeral we had a neighbour pop over and ask how my dad was getting on as it was awful he lost his wife and how will he cope on his own, whilst I was standing there thinking yes that is my mum you are referring to, I have also lost her at the age of 29 and live on my own. Its funny how people communicate with you once you loose someone it really does make you open your eyes and think.

I guess I am writing this just to share and to explain that everyone who experiences loss and grief matter, every emotion you feel matters and its completely normal to go from happy to angry in seconds it happens we are only human!

Be kind to yourself and take the time you need to come to terms with what's happened and take the steps you need to help manage it.

Whether that's going to the gym (which I can confirm helps) or staying in bed for the day watching movies, keeping busy and continuing to work or simply needing a day off your phone to recharge and just to think.

There is no time frame for grief and there is no telling when it will creep up on you when you least expect it but what I can tell you is that for a lot of people grief is love, its all the love you hold in your heart that you are unable to share with that person any more.

Talking helps when your ready and I do mean that, take your time with it. From experience when I lost my friend from suicide I had bereavement counselling within the first 8 weeks and it was too soon. I had not processed what had happened so I was not expecting all of the emotions I later on felt. Three years on from that I paid for a few private sessions which then helped me so much more when I took the time to accept it. Sadly it was only the month after finishing the sessions when my mum became ill, I think in a few more months I may look into getting counselling again but only when I feel the time is right.

Writing helps! Whether that’s writing a letter to your loved one, or just simply writing down your thoughts on how you feel day to day and the emotions you go through. Its so important to let these emotions out through either talking or writing it down that way it wont feel so heavy on your shoulders.

There are so many incredible charities around at the moment and different people around you family, friends, doctors or even work colleagues who will listen to how you feel so never feel alone in your grief, you matter, your emotions matter and your grief matters.

I hope this has maybe helped you in hearing someone else share their story and made you realise that everything that you are feeling is completely normal. You are not alone and I pray that you find happiness in your life as you matter and you deserve it.

Best wishes,

Leah