My experience taking parental leave as a gay dad in Sydney

Today, I am returning to work after taking six incredible months of parental leave to spend with my daughter, Charlotte. For those of you who already know me, you’ll know that having the opportunity to take parental leave was quite the journey. My husband, David, and I spent over 3 years navigating the world of IVF and were blessed to welcome Charlotte into the world through the altruism and love of our friend and surrogate. I would be remiss to not extend my deepest thanks to Salesforce for the support I’ve been provided in my two years at the organisation so far. The most significant include being provided financial support towards the cost of IVF procedures, 26 weeks worth of paid parental leave, being promoted while on parental leave and having the opportunity to transition back to work 4 days a week for the first 4 weeks without dropping in pay. In a world where only 14% of men take primary parental leave (WGEA, 2023) my daughter was also one of only 120 babies born via surrogacy in Australia each year (Jefford, 2023). To me, this highlights that the odds were stacked against my experience and yet I reflect that I have had some of the best, most memorable and impactful moments of my life. All, while being able to be my authentic self.

However, this doesn’t mean that my experience wasn’t without its challenges. Being a parent can be tremendously challenging when you consider the change in your sense of self and with your significant other along with finding a tribe as a dad (and as a gay dad to boot). All, while navigating other complexities. Below are my learnings from my experience. Some of these will be unique to my experience as a gay man taking parental leave in Sydney in 2024, while others will be applicable to any dimension of what makes who we are.

Don’t forget what you know you need to be great

Much like retirement, I imagined that being on parental leave can feel like leaping into the abyss. Previously my days were full of meetings, appointments and busyness. Some of this remains true, but like me, you may find that you suddenly miss the structure of the weekly routine and experience the common saying that “the days will feel slow but the years feel fast”. While you’ll have a baby in tow, you may still need purpose in your day otherwise things can quickly feel like ground-hog day. For me, I scheduled one key activity per day. Mondays were swimming lessons, Tuesdays driving to see my Mum, Wednesdays were for my parent’s group (not ‘mothers group’ but more on that later), Thursdays for Baby sensory or Gymbaroo and Fridays for errands. While this sounds pretty obvious, it can be easy to schedule nothing for fear of it being too hard with a baby, and I found that staring into another day with not a lot to fill it gave me anxiety and feeling isolated. The balance is also to not over-commit yourself as I did at one point. I was trying to pack to move house, with a sick baby, soon after having my wisdom teeth out and while my husband was working six days a week. Things didn't go well. So, a little structure is good. Too much, not good. Also, don’t forget what makes you happy. The single best thing I did for my mental health was creating a schedule for both of us to get to the gym. I also starting playing pickleball so I had something just for me.

Find your tribe

Despite having two siblings and a few friends with kids, I suddenly felt like I didn’t have much in common with anyone. My prior delights of going out for cocktails, relaxing beach days and weekends away suddenly take a different level of priority with a baby. Many new Mums find their tribe via a Mother’s group which they are assigned to by their hospital, antenatal class or child and family health clinic, While the NSW government also advertises Dads’ groups, funnily enough these are not organised by any of the above but by a not-for-profit organisation. Luckily, as two dads we were welcomed to attend the next available Mums Group and had a wonderful experience. But, if we truly want to see more men taking parental leave we need to improve the resources and experiences of dads that do. I can appreciate it can be an chicken and egg situation whereby firstly we need to solve for the number of men taking parental leave.

For other new gay dads, there are Facebook groups to meet other families but currently these are limited to the inner city area. I live in the Sutherland Shire which is only only 40 minutes away, but this can be the difference between making the trip or not when you need to account for a crying baby.

At some of the hardest points of my parental leave I also had to be reminded to ask for help. We can often all take the view that we need to push on and tomorrow is a new day to start afresh. However, sometimes you do need support to recharge and put your own oxygen mask on first. For me, this was either asking my husband to take a day off work because I just needed the help or calling in a favour from my Mum to babysit so that I could take myself to the movies on my own. Initially this felt uncomfortable but your family and friends are likely all too keen to help. I’m sure that most would jump at the opportunity, if only they knew that you needed the help.

Beware well-intentioned but intrusive strangers

Before Charlotte was born I read the book The Ultimate Guide for Gay Dads by Eric Rosswood. It was exactly the type of resource I was looking for as most parenting books are aimed at Mums, or at best, for Dads, centred around supporting their partners as Mums. It was through reading this book that the concept of ‘Coming out as a gay parent’ was something I became very aware of. Every gay person will remember the time and place they came out and how it felt for them. Often it can be filled with memories of anxiety, stress and apprehension. Rosswood excellently describes that being a gay parent is like coming out all over again, and now on a daily basis. Before, my husband and I could walk along the street without so much of a glance from others. Now, strangers everywhere were gawking at us, from the old lady at Coles to literally everyone on a plane. Living in metropolitan Sydney you may think that it wouldn’t be such a spectacle. But when I reflect myself how often I see two men out with young kids and no female in sight, I can see how it draws attention. While we rarely had negative experiences (I don’t count staring as one of them) we got plenty of intrusive questions. Some of these include: “Dad’s day out is it, where’s Mum?”, “Which one of you is the real Dad?“ ”How could your surrogate give her away, I could never do that“, and my favourite ”But which one of you does the Mum stuff?“. While talking to family and friends about our experiences, it was my Mum who offered that while these questions may be annoying, we were probably offering that person their first glimpse into another form of what families look like. With time, we became better at responding to such questions and the same book by Rosswood offers excellent responses that you can be at your ready. Alternatively, you can just walk away at the speed gay men are known for (IYKYK). More recently, a neighbours’ young child ‘proposed’ to her friend. When her Mum asked why she did this she offered ”Well if Sam and Dave next door can have a family with the same gender, so can I". This makes it feel worth it!

When it comes to daycare, prepare for the worst and hope for the best

Given that the childcare sector in Australia has long been known to be in a “state of crisis in Australia, crippled by workforce shortages, patchy availability and rising fees” (The Guardian, 2023), I still thought I had it beaten. Before my daughter was born, I had her on almost 10 daycare waitlists and until my need for care came around I thought I could sit back and sip on my drink of choice (FYI: sav blanc). How wrong I was! As Charlotte neared her 1st birthday and I my return to work, I still had only one of the three days that I needed. What happened next was days filled with anxiety, calling every daycare within a 10km radius, begging for a spot. It shouldn't need to be like this. A friend recently shared that she finally received a call about a daycare spot she needed for her child when she would be 12 months old. She was now 4 years old when she actually got the call with an available spot.

Even today on my first day back at work while my daughter attends a great centre, I still don’t have enough days for what I need. Two key things I learnt are:

1. Daycare centres offer up the majority of their spots at the end of a calendar year for commencement at the beginning of the following year. This is because each cohort moves up at the beginning of each year with the eldest moving into kindergarten (in NSW). So, for children like mine who was born in July and with a 'typical' 12 month parental leave stint between us, we eventually found it would be extremely difficult securing a spot no matter how early we joined a waitlist.
2. Existing children who attend a daycare centre are given priority. Of course, this makes sense, but, on each of my waitlist forms I confidently indicated “3 days per week starting from July 2024”. With hindsight, I would start a child one day a week as early as you feel comfortable and that your finances allow. That way, you are given adequate consideration ahead of time and are no longer a faceless name on an extensive list. If this isn't possible, being in regular contact definitely helps. I had a lot more luck when I bugged the centre regularly.

Faced with the reality that I needed to go back to work to afford my Sydney mortgage, a friend told me about an organisation called Bubbadesk. Bubbadesk provides a coworking space with onsite childcare and espouses to be "the innovative alternative to traditional childcare". It provides you with a place to work with your children close by; a great alternative for parents who still need to pump or want to be closer to their children throughout the day. With 6 current sites and rapidly growing, this concept was exactly what I needed as it provided the access and flexibility that I needed (#NotSponsored). Recently, @canva became the first company in Australia to adopt Bubbadesk as part of its employee benefits program. It's great to see organisations adopting new ways of supporting their employees return to work.

Enjoy every moment

Finally, while this one is obvious it still can't be understated. At the beginning of my parental leave I initially found it hard to switch off. Several times a day for the first month I was checking my Slack making sure everything was 'fine'. Now reflecting on my experience at the other end, I wish I hadn’t wasted a second. Work will still be there, but I will never get this time back. What sometimes seemed monotonous like my daily morning walk to the cafe and park before my daughters’ first nap now seems like heaven. I am so grateful for this time to get to know my daughter and to feel that I am an active parent instead of feeling I should be taking a more secondary role. I know my daughter will be better off as a result.