My Friendship Crisis

As I’ve gotten older it’s been harder and harder to make new friends. I’ve found it particularly difficult to make friends in the UK as people tend to not be as open as Americans.

Being a new dad adds even more complications.

The social services provided to women in the UK are fantastic for helping them meet other new moms, go to exercise and breastfeeding groups, and much more. This is absolutely fantastic and critical.

Meanwhile, there are exactly zero opportunities for dads. When I’ve asked the home visitors, they said they didn’t know of anything for dads.

I let the NHS know I was happy to start meetups for dads. I got one phone call, then never heard from them again.

I had depression after Annika was born. My friends are in London and Spain. My brother is in America. I had no one to turn to.

I have three really close male friends, but that’s it. I don’t have any dad or male friends where we live now. I know some dads from out childbirth class, but that’s about as far as the relationships have gone.

The demands of work and family leave me with little time for maintaining old friendships or making new ones. I’m isolated and lonely.

With the arrival of a Annika, free time is scarce. Evenings and weekends are consumed with being with her and Eva. I’d have it no other way, but this also leaves little opportunity to socialize.  

My priorities have had to change over the years. Hobbies that were once a big part of my life have fallen by the wayside in favor of family commitments.

As my friends and I move into different stages of our lives, it’s becomes hard to ensure that we don’t slowly drift apart. We are pretty intentional about checking on each other every day, but it’s still really hard when I don’t see them in person.

I have no one here. It sucks.

I’m not writing this for you to feel bad for me. I know women have it much harder, but that doesn’t mean we should neglect the mental health or needs of men.

We’re told to “suck it up” and not talk about our emotions. I can’t live that way.

I look at my Dad and Eva’s Dad and they don’t have male friends. The “friends” they have are through their wives. And it’s the same for me. I’m going down the same route.

Maybe men are terrible at making friends. Maybe it’s on me to do something about it, to take some action.

Fortunately, Eva is aware of what I need. She knows before I do most of the time. It’s her spidey sense.

She sent me a LinkedIn post by Chance Marshall about some steps he’s taken to get through the same situation. So I’m going to follow his path and see what happens.

The first Friday of every month, I’m going to a cafe with Annika and I’ll invite the dads I know. I’ve asked them to invite dads they know. I’ve set up a WhatsApp group.

Two of them said they’ll be there.

They seemed relieved I’m starting this.

I will ask them if they are going through what I am.

I’ll create a flyer to leave at the coffee shop. And then I’ll see what happens.

Are you a new dad? How's it going for you?

Do you know one? Have you checked in on them?

Leave a comment and let me know how you're doing.

What I’m reading

Have you heard of the website “Does the Dog Die?” They should create one for books too.

That’s not really a spoiler here, but this is one of those books that really tugs at the heart strings. Essentially, it about the relationship between a man and his dog.

The story narrated by Enzo, the dog. He believes he’ll be reincarnated as a human. It’s a love story of sorts. It’s about perseverance, love, and navigating the inevitable turns like takes.

It’s a story about unconditional love, which you can only get from a dog. Enzo will always be at Denny’s side, no matter what.

Throughout the book, I couldn’t help but think about my relationship with Maggie. She’s my bestie. She’s the one I turn to when I am sad and lonely. We do everything together.

If you have a dog, read this book. I don’t want to give any of it away. It’s a movie as well, but that left out so many key parts of the story.

Thanks to Mark Gandy for the recommendation!