My life before ADHD...

First of all I want to say thank you for everyone who liked, commented, emailed me in response to my first newsletter.

As you can probably understand it was a bit daunting exposing myself in a open forum like that. It goes to show how amazing this community is and having made a number of genuine connections with people on LinkedIn it has helped to alleviate any concerns I have about sharing my story more openly and deeply in this format.

My life before ADHD is something I talk about frequently but something I don't talk about too much is about the experiences I have had going back to my childhood which were a result of being undiagnosed.

As with many late-diagnosed neurodivergent I imagine, it feels that all of my life I've felt like a square peg in a round hole.

Simply put, I just didn't fit in.

Growing up in school I was fortunate to have friends but there was nobody I was extremely 'close' with that I felt comfortable talking to, I guess at that age I really wasn't fully aware of the nature of what it was I was experiencing.

Mind you, I had several groups of friends, those I played football with, those I hung out with after school etc. but no-one of any significance until my later school years.

I don't remember too much of what I was like in primary school up to the age of eight or nine years old and most memories are quite fleeting visions of running around the playground, playing football (pretending to be Peter Schmeichel who was my favourite Manchester United player at the time) and being chased around the playground by now Sister-in-Law.

As I have gone through my journey with ADHD I have thought back retrospectively about all of the things I had challenges with when growing up.

These are some of the challenges I have had with ADHD that have since.

• I had challenges understanding teachers, assignments/homework, presentation tasks and general understanding of subjects.
• Executive Functioning skills: Had particular challenges being able to filter my thoughts so would not stop and think. Time management was shit. Always had difficulty regulating emotions so in times where I was bullied I used to react (but never resorted to violence). Issues with memory in particular remembering what was discussed in lessons.
• Challenges with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) which impacted my confidence ten-fold as I was unable to regulate my emotions especially around failure when I received negative feedback. This often led me to use all sorts of excuses to why I didn't do homework in the fear that I would get laughed at or fail miserably.
• Challenges with impulsive behaviour. I would at times when 'bored' or 'under stimulated' often self-implode and end up playing truant, getting drunk in the fields behind my old High-School or just purposely not do the work.
• Internalised hyperactivity was always a challenge. Trying to concentrate on a class when there is a 20 piece orchestra playing different scores in my head proved too difficult to manage, hence why I sat in the back of the classroom.
• Forgetfulness is an ever-occurring theme. I used to lose everything as a child and the guilt and shame was horrendous. I once had a Peter Schmeichel goalkeeper top (my favourite player in my childhood) and I lost it playing football (most likely stolen).

I was heavily bullied through most of middle school and through most of High School too as I was deemed an 'easy target' due to me being unable to regulate my emotions so them trying everything to make me upset was always my bully's mission. Whether that was stealing my clothes after PE or hounding me in the corridors, toilets or on my walk home where I would be physically assaulted.

So school was ultimately challenging for numerous reasons.

My life outside of education saw me associate with a small group of friends and over time I kept to myself, mainly through my teens and played on my consoles or I would do creative writing or journaling to get my thoughts out of my head. I am lover of music and play the guitar so would often write lyrics and spend entire summers annoying the neighbours, writing and playing music constantly.

I have always a creative person with my stories and was the one thing I thoroughly enjoyed (which my Dad reminds me of a lot of to this day).

It's no coincidence that as I've got older that writing on LinkedIn has given me an outlet to let that creativity flow again and regain a part of me that had a love for writing, a part of me that I have long missed.

My adult life has been a mixture of experiences, from love and heartbreak, anxiety and alcohol fuelled mistakes and dangerous recklessness which dominated my early to mid twenties to a life where I am now in my mid-thirties, finding joy in the small things.

• Sitting outside soaking up the morning sun.
• Listening to the outside world waking up for the day.
• Growing my own produce with my father in his allotment (and some in my garden with my boys).

After leaving a relationship in my mid-twenties (one I admit I had entered in the midst of recovering from a broken heart) I started to re-discover who I am.

What I stood for.

I made a leap to change jobs, to leave all of the connections I had behind as I wanted 'more' for myself. I was leaving something I was so comfortable in, because I felt no reward or validation in what I was doing. So I set out to break free from my comfort zone to pursue my own route, on my own terms.

And it is the best decision I ever made.

I have, in the last ten years, been able to buy my first home, get married and have two wonderful children. I also get to provide for my wife and children and live a life that has left me incredibly fulfilled.

My ADHD brain has done so much for me - But it has ultimately led me to where I am today and for that I am forever grateful.

Thank you for reading.

Adam x