Navigating the Pandemic, A Reflection

The spread of COVID-19 brought about unique challenges for each and every one of us--pushing us in ways we never saw coming. Through it all, I had to continually remind myself that life is all about balance: for every negative, there was a positive. And despite the over-emphasis on everything going wrong in the world, there were good things happening all around us--we just had to look for them. Some were more obvious: less pollution, advancement in research and technology, improvements in cleanliness, and increased connection with family and friends. Others were less obvious: our own personal growth.

Here, I will share with you my personal journey and things I learned as a result...

If you asked me years ago what my biggest fear in life was, I would have unequivocally responded, “Being alone.” I never understood the context by which I meant this (alone in the dark or away from family and friends?), but I knew that I didn't want it. Through the pandemic, I have learned more about myself than ever, and I know now what this fear means.

Leading up to the pandemic, I had quit my job to pursue what I believed to be the next best opportunity for me. Every part of the move was strategic, even the decision to live alone. I vividly remember reflecting, in complete appreciation, on the opportunity to be back in LA working for a company that shared my values and where I felt like I could make an impact.

Life was good, and I had no complaints.

Three months in, the pandemic hit and we were told that the company would be operating under work from home for several weeks. Weeks turned to months, and months eventually turned into a year (still TBD).

I was in denial, as many of us were. To say I was unprepared for this change is an understatement. Not only did I lack proper office equipment, but also I was not ready to spend that much time alone.

For most folks, work from home provided many benefits: no commute, the opportunity to lean into or revisit hobbies, and more time with family. Introverts got the added benefit of less interaction with people--what a dream come true! But for those of us on the opposite side of the spectrum, well, we just got handed our worst nightmare.

On the surface things seemed fine: I was exercising almost everyday, meditating, connecting with family and friends on the regular, and actively engaging with the community through weekly book club meetings and sporadic conferences/workshops. But behind the scenes, I was crying everyday and suffering from anxiety I could not control. Not Bella (my cat), nor the endless hours of conversation over virtual communication or phone could pacify my need for human interaction. Anxiety had completely taken over my life, leaving me feeling hopeless, stealing away any glimmer of motivation, making it impossible to accomplish the simplest of tasks, and demanding me to request days off just to recenter.

I felt like a burden. To myself and to everyone around me. I was looking for any outlet to help, leaning on those closest to me, but realizing I could only ask for so much of them. Unable to find anyone who could relate, I began to question what was wrong with me.

Since my symptoms were anxiety, I figured "Hey Sarah, you have an anxiety problem, go find an anxiety coach." This seemed easy enough, and so I did. I waited a week to finally get my session with her, and I was elated! Finally, the one who would help me out of this swamp and help me regain control to turn my life back around!

I was at my parents house that day and needed privacy, so I went to my car, opened my laptop, and unloaded all my grievances on her. She quickly provided me with invaluable advice--amazing! But by the end of our session, she hit me with news I was not expecting. She would not be able to help me and believed a clinical environment was more appropriate.

I was in shock. I had no idea where to go from here. Even my anxiety coach couldn't help me? What is going on? At the time, I was doing daily walks, and one day I sat to meditate on a bench overlooking the beach. I was crying in public while writing this note to myself:

Accepting that I was depressed was difficult since I didn't feel depressed. Sure, something felt off, but I also felt like this was something I could tackle--I just needed the right resources. But maybe I was blind to my situation. So I took the coach’s word for it and reached out to my doctor, hoping that she would know where to go from here.

Listening to my situation, the doctor said: "I don't believe you are depressed. You are behaving totally normal for someone who is an extrovert spending this much time by yourself. You are not alone in feeling this way. Go change your environment, then let's talk".

This perspective changed my life.

What she did was very simple, but very powerful. And in that moment, I had a clear path forward:

Change my Environment -> Change my Life

I immediately got to work, getting myself out of the living environment at the time and into an apartment with my college best friend. Life is balanced now and I couldn't be happier.

Through this experience, I learned the importance of the following:

• Recognition that what you’re feeling is normal and that you're not alone
• Landing on the right diagnosis
• Identifying the prescription for the diagnosis
• Actioning on that prescription

In talking to others that are navigating their own struggles, I now realize that the formula exists, but executing on each of the steps above is not easy, so don't expect to do it alone. Lean on those around you, practice self-compassion, and most importantly, give yourself time. 

I hope that sharing my journey gives those who are struggling some proof that you're not alone and reassurance that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

For those who are strong enough to support, I hope this is a reminder that, at times, there's more than what meets the eye. People are good at hiding their struggles and sometimes are not good at asking for help.