Navigating relationships & breaking the cycle

Four antidotes to Gottman’s four horsemen

When Satyam & Madhu got married, it was the happiest ever feeling they had. Because they studied in the same school & same college. After engineering Satyam chose to work in IT sector & Madhu opted for telecom. Both were enjoying an upward graph of progress in their career. But something was on the decline in their life; that was the warmth of togetherness.

Communication slowly became scarce and eventually toxic. Not only they lost their romance, but also got a heavy dent on their friendship, which bothered them more.

This year in January they decided to go for a two-week vacation to a remote island. While preparing for the vacation, they casually shared their issues with one of their mentors; Nidhi. After patiently listening to both for one hour, Nidhi suggested them to read book and discuss the learnings on their vacation.

Both started reading the book, underlining the important lessons & taking notes. On their vacation they carried the books & notes along, discussed everything chapter by chapter. The book literally acted as a counsellor and they returned with new found enthusiasm, better understanding, more love & the best part was super improved communication.

Out of many things from the book by the renowned relationship psychologist Gottman, they worked on the four horsemen concept; Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt & Stonewalling.

1.       Criticism: Any feedback without love & respect for the other person is criticism. It usually involves a personal attack, blame, name-calling or even a character flaw. Voicing a complaint is instead of criticizing is the first step towards a respectful communication.

Complaint is when you say, “I feel excluded when you keep yourself glued to the phone. I need your company & I crave that ‘we’ time.” Criticism is when you attack & say, “Do you ever realize how selfish you have become? You are always glued to your phone as if no one else exists in this world, it is disgusting!”

Antidote: A gentle start up

Be polite & bring up the issue by sharing how you feel instead of how the other person is behaving. Also keep noticing for some good behavior and appreciate immediately by saying; “Do you known how included I felt yesterday when you kept your phone aside and listened to me. I wish every conversation would go like that between us.”

2.     Defensiveness: Usually people become defensive not to solve problem but to blame other, get rid of personal responsibility, pass on the guilt or ward off a perceived attack on them. People defend when they are criticized,

Madhu (Criticizing): “Do you realize how disgusting it feels to sit with you when you are always glued to your phone?”

Satyam (Defensiveness): “You are always blaming me. You have nothing good to say about me. Do you realize how occupied I am with my office work & calls?”

Antidote: Take Responsibility

Satyam: “Yes, I realize how painful it is for you to feel excluded. It is my mistake, I will try my best to minimize my screen time and be more available for you.”

3.     Contempt: Contempt is when you pick on your partner’s mistake and make them look inferior. You look down them by eye-rolling, mockery, name-calling, sarcasm and as an outcome you consider yourself superior.

 Contempt is when you say, “You are such an irresponsible person. You don’t care anything about savings. You are utterly dumb & reckless about money. Do you even realize how hard it is to save money? Only because you earn, you can’t mindlessly spend it on whenever you wish. Had I been not sincere about our savings, you would have gone bankrupt by now.”

 Antidote: Describe Your feeling & appreciate

 “I got scared when I looked at this month’s credit card bill. I know we can together plan and save more. In the past we have been doing substantial saving, lets continue to do so.”

4.    Stonewalling: Stonewalling is when you act like a stone and put a high wall around you. You don’t listen, you don’t talk and you just withdraw from communication which makes things even tougher for both.

 Antidote: Self-soothing break & re-connect

 When you know you are stressed, not in a mood to talk, take a break. Inform your partner that you would be back in a while; in 20 or 30 minutes or whatever it takes to calm you down. Do something that soothes you, listen to a song, take the stairs, go for a walk etc. and then re-connect in a gentle way.

Recognize the destructive patterns in your relationships & implement the antidote. Create better communication and connection.

Published earlier in the newspaper tabloid "The Desert Trail"