Navigating Relationships & Family Challenges from Residency to Attending Life
Rachel Miller, MD, FACOG, ACC
Manage Operations for Real Estate Investor and Developer | Executive Coach & Leadership Consultant | DISC & EI Expert | Physician | Gynecology Industry Consultant | Author
What is the key to a healthy marriage and family? Balancing a demanding medical career with a fulfilling family life is challenging, but by being intentional with our priorities and how we show up for others, we can have a successful and well-rounded life.
In episode 32 of the Life, Love, and Leadership for Physicians podcast, I'm joined by Dr. Ebony Nicole Parson (Dr. Nikki Parson) to discuss the role of intentionality in having a successful marriage and balanced family life. You'll hear about Dr. Parson's struggles during and after residency, how we can use intentionality to problem-solve and overcome marital challenges, and why prioritizing yourself will lead to a healthier family dynamic.
Dr. Nikki Parson, MD, was born and raised in Greensboro, NC. She attended Appalachian State University as an undergrad and obtained a degree in graphic arts and imaging technology with a fine arts minor. After working in design and marketing for two years, she ultimately decided to change careers and pursue a career in medicine. She received her medical degree from Wake Forest School of Medicine and completed her OBGYN residency at ECU Vidant Medical Center. She has been working as a general OBGYN practitioner for eight years. In her free time, she spends quality time with her husband of almost 20 years and two sons.
How can we problem-solve in our relationships?
Dr. Parson married her husband when she was 21, and their approach to resolving issues matured as they did. While the ability to communicate is a strength, a successful marriage requires active listening and allowing space for reflection before responding.
"I will shoot off at the hip about something, and then I'll think about it and go, 'Well, actually,' and then I'll backpedal. And so I think we have sort of learned each other, and so we will give each other sort of that space to talk, to bring up sort of the things that are of value to each other, and then depending on how big of an issue it is or how passionate we feel about it, sometimes it's sort of coming back to it later."
How can we manage childcare during such a demanding time as residency?
"Early on in residency, it hit me that this wasn't going to work or I wasn't going to complete residency, that if my kids were not well, I couldn't do this anymore. That was a non-negotiable for me."
Not being present for your children while going through residency can be heartbreaking. Getting clear on your priorities and what you are willing to compromise on is critical to balancing your medical career and parenthood. After using the hospital childcare program and seeing its strain on her and her children, she decided to use a nanny.
"I think if I was in that position now, I think I would look at probably nanny sharing where you're actually splitting a nanny. And again, the kids are number one. Cut back; I get a smaller house, I get a preowned car. My kids were just high on my list in terms of being able to do my job effectively."
How can we better balance our time between work and family?
Balancing work, family, and personal well-being is a challenge many face, particularly during demanding phases like residency. Pouring into yourself is key to be able to be able to show up fully for your family, friends, and patients.
"When I completed residency, I was overweight, my blood pressure was elevated, we were talking about maybe having to start meds. I was in pain. I probably had some depression. I had just completely sort of depleted myself making sure that my kids were well, my husband was well, and that my job was done and well done."
"With my job right now, my hours are changed so that I go in, I don't start seeing patients until about 9 AM, and that's so I can exercise each morning. And that's because I feel better. And at the end of the day, no matter how crazy the day gets. I started out by pouring into myself."
What does prioritizing ourselves look like?
Understanding yourself - what brings you joy and health - is crucial. Equally important is in knowing what takes away from those things. We spend our time on the things we value, and your daily life should reflect your priorities. The sooner we realize this, the sooner we can become more intentional.
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"For me, I value my health, I value my husband, and I value my kids, I value my friends. [...] Everything is not centered around one value. You will see that for me, I'm sort of a jack of all trades, and my energy is sort of going into all the pots."
How can we be more intentional to show up for others in the best way possible?
After residency, Dr. Parson was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, and her marriage was struggling from the scars left by the difficulties of residency. What did she learn? We must decide for ourselves, or life will make them for us.
"Just realizing that things around you can be well and look well, yet the things within you and within your marriage cannot be well. And so that really was sort of a point at which I realized that I am going to have to change these things. [...] If you came over, I was fine. I moved to a nice house, all the things. Inside, I wasn't well. Physically, I wasn't well. With my relationship, we had to rebuild."
How can we navigate through the challenges in our relationships?
Intentionality and allowing your ego to die are crucial to overcoming tough times in your relationship or marriage. Listen and learn more from Dr. Parson in episode 32 of the Life, Love, and Leadership for Physicians podcast.
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