Neurodiversity or narcissism: surprising similarities and how to tell the difference

Mental health is an incredibly interesting field to navigate, isn’t it? On one side, you have the focus on a person’s state of being. On the other, everything else. Each complex layer all lumped together in the same package. Despite each being wildly different.

Neurodiversity - which can include ADHD, dyslexia, autism spectrum disorder, Tourette’s syndrome, BPD, and so many more - is one such layer. As is narcissism. Both often widely misunderstood and mislabelled.

Let’s take ADHD as an example. So much of the conversation is hijacked by calls of “overdiagnosis” - that we as a society are too quick to label ourselves for a little hyperactivity. Or so people like to say. But it is actually an overlooked generation finally getting a diagnosis for something that was once barely understood. Our knowledge of the condition was in the dark ages until recent times as medical understanding evolved.

And narcissism isn’t too different. With that and neurodiversity occupying a similar space, the two get conflated more often than not. But, in my personal experience, it’s rarely that simple…

My neurodiverse journey

In the 90s, I was taken for an ADHD assessment. The signs were there, yet I was turned away because I wasn’t an 8-year-old boy bouncing off the walls. That’s how basic our understanding of the condition was at the time. “Girls don’t get ADHD,” they said to me as they shooed me out the door. 

Because of that, I’ve spent 31 years thinking I was broken. That something was wrong with me. That I just couldn’t “human” properly. That the right solution was to shut myself away from the world as much as possible and wait until it ended so I wasn’t a burden on anyone. 

Imagine living that way. It was pretty brutal and isolating to be honest. Until it wasn’t. 

When I finally got my diagnosis, what I also got was an understanding of who I am and a way to accept myself. A new direction in the world that allowed me to see who I was more clearly. With this, I found comfort in social media. In the abundant stream of ADHD and autism pages, I found others that shared their lived experience. I began to feel like a part of the world again. To laugh at a meme or cry at a video and feel seen. To know that I am not alone is powerful.

As part of this transition, I became someone I’d never been before: a comments stalker. I liked to read other people’s stories and challenges. Sometimes to offer support and guidance through things that happen to me, so no one suffers alone, and other times to learn and understand other people's flavour of challenges that I too face daily.

The more I read, the more I started to notice certain themes and patterns in these shared experiences.

Narcissism

Something I noticed was that neurodiversity was often tied to or confused with narcissism. It’s a story I know far too well from the life I lived before I found my new boundaries. And it’s a conversation that’s close to my heart, one that I find myself drawn to, both inside and outside the neurodiverse community.

Narcissism, just like neurodiversity, is something that’s also gone misdiagnosed. And I don’t mean medically. How often do you hear people say “oh, my ex was a narcissist”? I’ve been there myself and I’m not minimising anyone’s experiences. It can be true, but sometimes it’s someone who’s an arsehole and it’s easier to label them incorrectly.

It would help to first define what narcissism actually is. It’s a personality disorder that centres on an individual’s excessive focus on themself. Generally, empathy for others is non-existent, replaced by a craving for admiration and validation.

Sure, it’s not hard to confuse an arsehole with them, but it’s not right or fair. But when I’m sifting through comments, what I see is people labelled as narcissistic who actually display qualities of neurodivergence. As someone obsessed with human behaviour and interpersonal dynamics, it’s interesting to unpick some of the differences between them and shed some light - not from a medical perspective - but as someone with lived experience on both sides of the coin. 

Surprising similarities and unique differences

From here on out, I can only speak confidently on my experience with ADHD and autism. This is to say that I acknowledge there are other conditions that change how people experience empathy. It isn’t universal. So don’t take what I say as gospel for everyone.

On the surface, certain traits of neurodiversity can appear narcissistic if you don’t look further. But it’s in that exploration that you can uncover what you’re really dealing with. Let’s look at how those might show up before diving into the differences:

• Hyperfocus
• Extreme difficulty in social situations
• Reactions and sensitivity
• Unusual emotional regulation
• Need for control
• Living outside of the rules

Hyperfocus

Trains, tech, gaming, fantasy, data, code. These are common stereotypical hyperfocuses for a neurodivergent. For me it’s words, communication, and neuroscience. I’m obsessed with how the brain works and how doing one thing causes another. 

Hyperfocus is more than being passionate about a hobby. It’s a perpetual fixation and unrelenting state of intense single-minded concentration. Nothing else holds a candle. Narcissists show a preoccupation as well. Often this is with themselves. This is usually how they look and how they’re perceived.

They’ll also present an instant hyperfocus in new people, something that typically shows up in relationships as “love bombing”. You are put on a pedestal, and like the train set or my intense interest in the mind, you’re made to seem like the most important part of their life.

But hyperfixations between neurodivergent people and narcissists aren’t the same. Hyperfixations aren’t ploys in a neurodivergent, but they are in a narcissist. To them, this whirlwind of emotion is a tactic to ensnare someone in their trap, keeping them attached to them, craving their approval. When they’re done or bored, they’ll casually discard their current target and move on.

Neurodivergent people do flit between hobbies, but it isn’t in service of something more insidious. We love something for one day and pour our entire selves into it, only to forget about it while it sits in a drawer, the shed, or the attic never to be seen again. And yes, we can lose interest in things, but the same rule doesn't apply to people. We might forget to text back because we do it in our head and forget or get so consumed in a project we didn’t realise the time, but we don’t stop loving and turn nasty.

Extreme difficulty in social situations

Social cues can seem esoteric to some within the neurodiverse community. Generally - and this isn’t a rule for all - it can be down to an inability to see in abstract. To be expected to read between the lines. Without a more direct approach and left to rely on nonverbal communication, interpreting other people’s emotions can feel like adding 2 + 2 and coming up with 7, causing misunderstandings and social awkwardness. 

Similarly, narcissists struggle with empathy and have a limited ability to understand and connect with others emotionally. The difference between the two is that neurodivergent people have lots of empathy, some just show it in a different way or are more hardwired for logic. But it’s not demonstrative of a lack of giving a shit about others and it’s not something that’s being leveraged for self gain. 

Intention is something important to consider when looking at the differences here. A narcissist will weaponise emotion for their own gain. Sometimes a neurodivergent just doesn’t have a clue what’s going on. They aren’t intending harm. 

Reactions and sensitivity

Neurodivergent people commonly experience sensory-processing issues, making them more sensitive to their environment. What can seem like dull background ambiance to someone outside the community can be incredibly distracting to someone within it. The light in the doctors waiting room can feel blinding and fabrics like a torture device. 

Rejection sensitivity adds a different layer. The “can we talk” text can feel like physical welts, and waiting for that 2pm review meeting leaves your tummy feeling like your intestines have been wrangled into a monkey's fist knot. 

Narcissists also have a heightened sensitivity in their own way. The difference in a narcissist is that the sensitivity is one tied to their ego. It’s easily bruised, leading to intense emotional reactions, such as anger or contempt, when faced with criticism or perceived slights.

Try open and non-judgmental boundary setting or conversation with an individual with a healthy attitude to relationships, and while it might be uncomfortable, you can talk things through, understand one another's points, and can meet halfway and find a solution together. 

But try that same approach with a narcissist and suddenly all the issues you have with them they seem to have with you, you feel gaslit, confused, and by the end of the conversation it’s all your fault. They “don’t have anything to apologise for”, and you’re the one feeling guilty and trying to de-escalate while they’re raging that you’re putting them through this.

Unusual emotional regulation

Imagine a toddler sprawled on the floor in Tescos like a starfish, flopping their limbs in defiance, face red with rage, vibing like the devil incarnate. I’m often jealous of that child. Because, as a 32-year-old, I cannot act the same way. Even though I want to.

There are times where I want to be that snotty brat with every fibre of my being. Just to scream into the ether because the tag on my jumper feels like nails on a chalkboard. Or because that client on a Zoom call is talking as they devour an orange, showing the world the inner workings of their mouth. Or because I can’t not notice the way the transformer for my laptop charger flits on and off like an annoying sibling playing D.I.S.C.O on the light switch.

But I know that I’m an adult. I shouldn’t. It’s not appropriate. God, do I want to, though. That’s the rage I feel at such menial things. It’s an intense reaction to a minor infraction. And that’s how it feels to be neurodiverse and to struggle with emotional regulation. 

For their own reasons, as we’ve discussed, a narcissist also feels the need to lash out, but do not have the same filters and self-control. So this might show up as emotional or physical abuse and acting out in a manipulative way to cause harm and carry out perceived revenge as retribution.

Need for control

As an extension of my last point, to not throw myself on the floor takes monumental control and discipline. But, that’s not the only thing I can get a handle on. I know as a neurodiverse individual, I often have a strong need for control. If I can control my environment by wearing better fabrics, opt not to socialise in places I know will trigger me, and control environments I know can feel like torture, I can use it as a coping mechanism for managing sensory overload and reducing anxiety.

Narcissists also have a need for control in order to maintain the upper hand on a situation. But for different reasons. By doing so, they maintain their inflated sense of self-importance and ensure that others conform to their expectations.

Living outside of the rules

Rules are made to be broken, right? To the conformists out there, sorry for the ick, but I have to represent my people here. To a point, the world isn’t black and white. It’s delicious shades of grey (get your head out the gutter, not THAT type).

Both neurodivergent people and narcissists tend to live outside the norm of what’s expected. In the former, this could be for a number of reasons. Intuition and social injustice are stronger for a lot of us than our peers, and so if something doesn’t feel right or doesn’t sit within our values, we’re more likely to question it. 

If we don’t understand how or why social norms exist when they make no logical sense - especially if there is a faster, better, more inclusive way to do something - then we struggle to follow them. It doesn’t mean we struggle with them or think we’re above anyone else, it just literally does not compute. And I’m not talking about actual laws here; there are lines of course. 

I’m talking about being on your own in a restaurant and wondering why you don’t have your food despite the table 20 centimetres away having theirs just because you’re not in that waiter’s section. Why you’re allowed to take a Chihuahua in a shop but not a Shar Pei. Why you’re rude because you’re not looking someone in the eye. Why you shouldn’t defend someone being bullied because it’s none of your business.

Living outside the rules for a narcissist is for personal gain and for something that benefits them. Why shouldn’t they lie, cheat, steal, and manipulate to get what they want? They deserve it.

What’s the fundamental difference?

While these behaviours may seem similar on the surface, we can begin to see the distinct differences between the two. But how can we apply this in our actual lives? To do that, you would have to dig a little deeper and try to explore who the person is by asking questions.

By exploring concepts like their underlying motivations and intentions, you can spot those red flags that should have you running away like Forrest Gump. Equally, you can see when someone is neurodivergent and just thinks differently from you, and work to find a different way of communicating and collaborating - should you wish to.

Empathy is also going to be a key signifier. While it will show up in varying ways across the neurodivergent spectrum - and while some may struggle with expressing this part of themselves - you should be able to spot when someone’s intentions aren’t malicious. With a little bit of time, you can come to see when someone doesn’t intend harm. For the most part, they might be unintentionally causing it because they don’t get it. 

But if you can uncover this issue, you can learn to communicate in a way that works. You can take responsibility and find a way to recognise their cues. Or, in somewhere like the workplace, you can show others how these moments present themselves and work as a team to find a solution.

Narcissists aren’t any of this. They aren’t phased by causing harm. They aren’t looking to collaborate. And their actions are often malicious in nature.

Navigating narcissism

Their lack of empathy isn’t something they’ll take accountability for and will often manipulate and exploit others for their own benefit. Medically, the difference between this and neurodiversity is that neurodivergent conditions are neurological and are a result of natural variations in brain functioning. They aren’t personality disorders and do not involve manipulative or exploitative behaviour. 

Narcissism, on the other hand, is a personality disorder. It’s a self-serving need to feed their own desires, and has little or no regard for the needs of others. You’ll usually be able to uncover which is which based on how the individual responds to general conversations around behaviours, attitudes, and values. 

While neurodivergent people may face challenges when forming connections, being in a relationship, or understanding other people’s perspectives, they may be more aware of their own shortcomings. And might express a willingness to overcome these problems - or at least appear apologetic for their unintended actions. As I said, there’s no intentional harm.

For the most part, with understanding, support, and the right accommodations, neurodivergent people can and will be open to change or finding a solution. The idea of hurting someone they love and care about is soul-destroying. You will never find that in a narcissist. They won’t take responsibility for their actions. They won’t consider your feelings. And they will leave a wake of destruction as they go, all the while oblivious - perhaps willingly so - to what they’ve done.

In short, a narcissist doesn’t care.

Navigating our differences in communication can be a challenge. But it’s one that can be overcome. To discuss your workplace communication needs, feel free to reach out to me on 0161 413 8418.