New Habits, a New You .... but how?!!

      As James Clear calls it, it is the valley of disappointment , which is what many people fall into while trying to build a new habit. As Robin Sharma names it, the initial phases of the 66-day habit installation period starts with destruction, followed by installation. In other words, destroying neuropathways of your old habit, and then struggling to adapt to a new habit. It is these periods of time where most of us let go. 

        It sure needs loads of grit and perseverance to get passed through these times. And few people do. But the good news is …. it's still possible. Difficult to get there, maybe, but never impossible. It's about how we are disciplined enough to stay focused, and how we get rid of distractions as well as the urge to impress others.

The Myth about Progress

        When James Clear in his book "Atomic Habits", named it as a valley, it just struck me. It's quite obvious actually. But I never looked at it that way. This valley of disappointment really is a graveyard for so many habit installers. We tend to believe that progress is linear. We think that we should improve gradually with constant practice. However, we tend to stop after 30 days of repetition, 30 classes of a new language learning, 30 trials on a new software, 30 guitar sessions, or whatever. We start losing hope that we are ever going to get things rolling. It seems we give up too early. Ironically, we are inclined to think that we have struggled enough, and we have been super patient already. We feel we walked for so many miles, with little progress. But the fact is…. progress is NOT linear. This is what you THINK should happen. In fact, what really happens, is that you spend the first big bulk of repetitions with negligible progress!

Yes, you read it right, negligible, unnoticeable, close to ZERO !  Nil !  

         This is because the curve only picks up later on down the road. You just have to believe that it will pick up sometime, as long you keep committing to it, as long as you keep patient till end of the valley, till you reach the other side of that dark tunnel.

          Fifteen years ago, I gave up on learning Korean language, then gave up on Turkish years later, and then German…… only to regret it afterwards. I started 3 times, and never finished. Now I keep wondering, what if I've just stuck to daily baby-steps forward? Wouldn't I be somewhere on the high end of that curve, by now? I think I was too hasty. Many of us fall into that trap.

      Similarly, Robin Sharma's habit installation protocol mentions a 66-day period of consistent repetition cycles to get you past the laborious phases and reach automaticity - the point where your habit is on auto-pilot.

 Taking the Decision … to START riding that curve

        Robert Downey Jr, one of the most successful American actors, known for the Iron Man movies (playing as Tony Stark), was not really successful in many terms throughout his life, as we may seem him today. He didn't have a great head-start at all. Actually, an incredibly lousy & detrimental one. He spent five years from 1996 to 2001, heavily into drugs, got arrested numerous times, divorced, and lost his acting job more than twice. He started drugs when he was a 8 year old child, since his father was a drug addict, and marijuana was quite acceptable at home. 

         He was unsuccessful in several drug treatments and rehabs, was re-arrested for violating his parole after release, missed several drug tests during his parole, ended up back in prison again, washing dishes for 8 cents an hour. Even after 2001, when he was finally released, he still went back to drugs again. A true moment of support was his wife Suzan Levin, who helped him get over it, and refused to marry him if he does not give up on drugs for good. He took up meditation, yoga and martial arts and enrolled in a 12-step program.

          Eventually ….. believe it or not ….. he got over it. He managed to overcome.  When asked how hard it was, he said it wasn't !..... he says , " what's hard …. is to decide".  

      And you thought quitting smoking was difficult?! Or waking up early? Or learning something new?

          It's that sharp decision that we need …… the decision that we will stop your old destructive habits, and build new ones, and keep at it, until we win the battle. It's about not giving up until we get past to the other side of that the long dark tunnel, or that valley of disappointment, or these phases of destruction and installation.

         A friend of mine was a drug addict. Three years ago, he seeked professional help, and he managed to get rid of it, and I really do hope he stays that way. Surprisingly, he's is the only one in his ex-addicts group that never returned to drugs up until this moment.  Sad to say, most of his ex-addict friends slowly slipped back into drugs.

        We find it extremely difficult to sustain, commit and discipline ourselves. The main point here, is that only YOU can take the decision and act. No one will act FOR you !

         And…. the decision here needs to be a clear one. A decision to start the ride on that curve, and never get off till you're there. 

 I heard you.

Well yes..... You're right …… it's easier said than done !

  And … No !  You're not right this time ….…. You don't have to have a Suzan Levin in your life, while you're sliding up the curve ! 

Nevertheless, any sort of positive reinforcement from a friend or family member will sure help during the bad times. Get a friend by your side as soon as you start up the curve.

Stop Dancing, and Observe the Dance

         While we're on the curve we need to be able to re-assess ourselves every now and then, moving out of the dance floor and observing the dance from the balcony. In 2009, Heifetz and Linsky researchers from Harvard University, coined the phrase ‘Moving from the dance floor to the balcony’ as part of the development of their adaptive leadership theory. The idea stresses the importance for leaders to step away from the operational heat to a higher level view, to be able to re-assess, contemplate and re-set direction. Leaders need to ask themselves: Where do I need to be now? Are we doing the right thing? What are the right actions to take?

          This enables leaders to be more self-aware, to gain a different perspective and gather insight, not only on operational issues, but also on their own behaviours and principles. If leaders are overwhelmed  or over-focused on their operational work (on the dance floor) without seeing the issues and themselves as part of the big picture (from the balcony), they may lose sight of what the real purpose is, and miss their target. We should take care, however, not to stay ‘on the balcony’ for too long, so that we don't get disengaged or miss some of the important details.

         So the next time you get caught up in a debate in that meeting (on the dance floor), soar up to the balcony to check which direction is the discussion pulling us to? What common grounds do both debate parties have? Are you breaking or following your own values and principles?

           And the next time you're delivering a presentation (performing the dance), move back and forth to the balcony to check how the presentation is being perceived by the audience, and what changes/actions may help?

          So whether the dance floor includes a lot of movement, distractions, and bumping into other people around you, ….. or whether the dance floor is all about you alone, performing a classic masterpiece, you still need to zoom out, re-frame, double-check the big picture.

         So in that context, while you're on the curve, take some time to step back to re-assess. You will need to do that frequently while you are confused in your habit installation period. 

        Personally, I've taken James Clear's advice and made a daily record and score of the habit repetions. The target is not to miss your daily habit two days in a row. If you miss once, you never miss the next day. That way your minimum score is 50% of the days.  

        His next advice was to make a 2-minute version of your daily habit, so that during the tough days, you still don't miss it.  A pen and paper calender had made it easier for me to track my daily reading, writing and workout habits. I still score a lousy weekly score of 3 out of 7, (sometimes worse), but at least I'm tracking it. This method sure makes me see how much I'm missing out. Again it gives a balcony view amidst the busy passing days and weeks.

Stop Impressing Others ……. You Don't Have to be Cool!

          There's always some sort of social pressure that urges us to maintain an impressive image of how much we are cool people.

          "I'm not cool and I don't want to be"… This is what Robert Downey said after his struggle years with drug addiction. Despite the fact that he is a cool Hollywood star now anyway. But since his recovery….he doesn't strive anymore to impress others. He just cancelled out the noise.

         We need to train our minds on noise cancelation, cutting out any pressure to impress others, dress up or cosmetically fake up a more impressive character. Let's put it that way….. The person you really want to impress is yourself and God, so why the effort to please others?  What’s wrong with not hanging out, not being active on social media, or being different from the crowd?

         Robin Sharma says, "Solitude has a bad reputation".  It seems people are ingrained into a misconception that you have to be liked by your tribe. You have to be cool, so you fit into the cool crowd. Your are valued by how many friends you have, how many likes you get on social media, and so forth. These misconceptions make us reject solitude and embrace other people's priorities. 

        Truth is, many influencers have used solitude to make their break-throughs. Introverts are often confused with someone who shys away or is socially incompatible. Fact is, introverts can be great leaders and influencers. They use solitude to make great wins. Bill Gates, Elon Musk, Steven Spielberg, Mahatma Ghandi , Michael Jordan, are just a few examples of famous introverts.

       Bottom line is, while you are running up the curve, don't get distracted by others, nor by yourself.   The next time your mind keeps pulling you back to the social norm, make sure to balance that out and to respond according to YOUR priorities. Sometime this needs a moment in the balcony, or the courage to say NO politely. Otherwise, you might not have the time you need for your daily habits.

 Small baby-step improvements, rather than big jumps

    A 1% improvement done daily, is better than a 30% improvement done once. James Clear's book is a fascinating read about this topic. Focus on making small baby-steps – even if they go unnoticed. One small step every day is a big step when observed next year.