Is 'No' a no-go in your house?

If you hang out with lots of parents like I do, I’ll hazard a guess that you have witnessed parents going to extraordinary lengths to avoid bad language. But it’s not those naughty four-letter words they’re so worried about!

It’s a simple two-letter word that parents have come to fear: 'NO'

I read with interest an article in ' The Guardian - 'I'd prefer you not to do that’: how ‘no’ became a dirty word in parenting

Saying no is a fundamental skill that many people struggle with in both their personal and professional lives. As a parenting coach, I’ve witnessed firsthand how the inability to say no can lead to enormous stress, burnout, a sense of overwhelm & a guilty feeling of not enjoying family life with kids.

However, it’s important to recognise that saying no is not a negative act but rather a powerful tool for setting boundaries, preserving your well-being, and making room for the things that truly matter to you.

Let’s explore the art of saying no from a coaching perspective and provide you with some practical guidance to help you master this essential skill.

Saying “No” to your kids is such a simple word but so many parents find it difficult to incorporate it into their discipline strategies – it’s about feeling confident in your own ability as a parent so then the ability to say “no” becomes a powerful behaviour shaping tool in your parenting toolkit!

Parents often find it hard to say “No” to their kids and there are many reasons for this.

One of the reasons is shortage of time. We all seem to be in such a hurry these days. It’s so much easier to give in and buy whatever it is your child wants, rather than to spend time explaining why you won’t buy it or spend time dealing with their sulks when they don’t get it.

But is that the message you want your child to grow up expecting?

Another reason is being afraid of causing a scene. I know it’s easier, to wander around the supermarket with a happy and quiet child who is tucking into their sweets or crisps, rather than dragging a screaming child round while you attempt to do your shopping! But personally I think you can make looking for Postman Pat spaghetti hoops quite exciting, and getting your child involved in helping you look for the butter or helping you to weigh the grapes can be good practical experience and fun! It’s how you approach it.

Try making the whole experience a game and see how creative you can be – get your child to join in not whine – get them engaged.

Another reason is all the resources available to us nowadays .When your child asks for a treat you may think “Well it’s only 80p so it won’t break the bank” and I know we do seem to have more disposable cash splashing about today than perhaps when we were growing up, and many parents don’t think twice about spending it all on their children, but is that a good message to be sending out to your children?

 What message are you giving if you continually ‘give in’?   

You can have anything you want?

My job is not to judge what you do but to get you be clear about what you want and how you want to bring up your children.

Perhaps the approach of giving in to everything is easier in the short term but is it easier in the long term? Is it  creating a child who will have totally unrealistic expectations of you and the world – and will they will expect to get everything they want. Is that realistic or desirable? Is it creating a Paris Hilton?

You can be sure that their requests will get bigger and more expensive as they become aware of all the goodies out there. It’s sweets today, Nike trainers and Gucci purses next!! Tell me about it …. I had a 15 year old daughter!!!!

While you may enjoy indulging your child’s wishes, the world just isn’t like that and your child may be in for a rude awakening when they encounter the many situations in the real world where they actually can’t have what they want. I think it helps if you think of it as your job to preparing them for life with its ups and downs and disappointments.

I just wonder if another message you are sending out is that “It really doesn’t matter how you treat your things – you can always get more”

Children who constantly get new toys and treats too easily learn not to value their things, because they know that they will always be replaced. They lose their sense of awe and wonder for new things if they are continually showered with gifts. It all comes too easily. So their expectations become inflated and they have no sense of gratitude or value for any of the gifts or treats they receive.

I remember my own Mum getting cross with my kids at Christmas a few years ago, as they were so overwhelmed by the amount of presents they received from both sets of Grandparents that they became nonchalant and blasé and she felt they didn’t appreciate what they had and just ripped the paper off, moving too quickly onto the next present.

Perhaps the message your child receives is “I can’t give you much time but I can give you lots of ‘things”

If this is the message your child is receiving don’t be surprised if they don’t place any value on these things or show any gratitude at getting all this stuff. ‘Things’ just cannot replace your time. If children do not get the attention and input from you, among other things, they do not develop a sense of their worth. They may feel they are not worth spending time with.

So you might be showering your child with gifts, but actually their self esteem might be diminishing as their stack of toys and “stuff”  piles up. Now there’s a thought!!!

Let’s look at treats and the message we sometimes send out with those….

“If you get upset, don’t worry we’ll get you a little treat”

The child who always receives a treat when they start to cry and shout or get hurt is learning a dangerous lesson. Other children and the outside world will not be as generous as you.

How will my child cope as an adult in a world where they most definitely won’t always get their way?

It’s all a balance between “yes” and “no,” and it takes practise if you are new to saying “No” and taking a harder line.

So start practising saying “no” to requests for things like sweets, toys and treats from time to time so you keep them for special occasions when your child will value them much more.

Initially it may be difficult as your toddler or teen may have trouble believing that you really mean” no,” because in the past this wasn’t the case. They will probably throw a wobbly, but remember the bigger picture to your parenting – the values you want to teach them and hold on – think about the consequences of giving in.

Distract, explain, smile or move on to something else, but stand firm.

Your child is learning that when you say “no,” you mean it and you are teaching them a valuable and important lesson for life.

Positive Parent Tip

Just step back and reflect on this each time you interact with your children:

“Is this teaching my child something I believe to be important?”

Kids like to test us – kids like to see if we really mean what we say – they want to feel secure so boundaries create safety, they want our attention so “negative attention” is better than nothing – but overall boundaries help kids

• Know how far they can go

• Knowing their boundaries helps kids feel safe

• Boundaries help teach children respect for you, other people and property

• Boundaries teach kids self control

• Boundaries teach them to be responsible adults in the long term

There are lots of reasons why you perhaps find saying “no” difficult  perhaps you’re too tired, too busy, feel guilty for some reason , or don’t get backed up by your partner, or were too strict parenting yourself by your own parents, or you have a need to be liked by your kids, or it’s all too much hassle or you may even be confused about what is acceptable  but I think it helps to know what loving discipline is and what it’s not!

Setting boundaries for your child is all about: 

• Guiding your child’s character not punishing them

• It’s about you being their parents and needing to be a leader and their guide more than their friend

• It’s about consistency and following through to earn respect long term

• And of course It’s about the age and maturity of your individual child

What it’s not!

• Being inconsistent – saying one thing one day and not the next

• Dominating or controlling

• Yelling. Threatening. Criticising • Violence

So for this week work out what saying “No” to your kids will teach them and start to notice things that DO work and do more of that, and if you want to discover more ideas, inspiration, strategies and techniques take a look at my The secret to well behaved kids download

How to Ask Your Family to Chip In for Christmas!

I was interviewed by Sarah Gorrell on BBC Surrey and Sussex this week about a Stevenage mum defending charging her family £200 for Christmas dinner!

So, it got me pondering about why we Brits are shy to ask for help, and particularly money, to contribute to the festivities.

The holiday season is one of the most wonderful times of the year, filled with warmth, laughter, and cherished moments spent with loved ones.

Whether you’re hosting a festive dinner, organising a family get-together, or planning a cozy holiday celebration, making it special can come with a price tag.

That’s where the idea of family contributions comes in – a simple way to share the responsibilities and costs, making the event enjoyable for everyone.

But how do you approach this topic with your loved ones?

And how can you make it a seamless part of your planning?

In this post, I’ll dive into some friendly and effective ways to ask your family to chip in and help make your Christmas celebration a memorable one.

Need your family to chip in & contribute this Christmas?

1. Friendly and Direct Request

“Hi [Name], I hope you’re doing well! I’m reaching out as I’m hosting a Christmas gathering this year, and it would be wonderful to make it as special as possible. If you’re able, would you consider bringing [a dish, drink, dessert, etc.] to share with everyone? It’s totally optional, but anything you can contribute would be greatly appreciated. Let me know if you’re able to help out, and thanks so much in advance!”

2. Light-hearted and Fun

“Hey [Name], Christmas is around the corner, and I’m so excited to host this year! To make it extra festive, I’m asking for a little help. If you’re up for it, would you mind bringing [specific item]? No worries at all if you can’t, but your contribution would definitely make the celebration more special. Can’t wait to celebrate with you!”

3. Thoughtful and Collaborative

“Hi [Name], I’m looking forward to hosting our Christmas celebration and really appreciate the chance to get everyone together! To make it a success, I’d love to ask for some help. Would you be willing to bring [specific dish or item]? Of course, if you have other ideas or something you love making, I’d be happy to hear them! Let me know what works best for you.”

4. More Formal Request

“Dear [Name], I hope this message finds you well! I am pleased to inform you that I will be hosting our annual Christmas gathering, and I would be grateful if you could contribute to making it a memorable event. If it’s convenient, please let me know if you could bring [item]. Your generosity would mean so much, and I greatly appreciate any support you can offer. Thank you in advance, and I look forward to celebrating with you!”

Asking for Money

1. Simple and Direct Approach

“Hi [Name], I hope you’re well! I’m reaching out as I’m organising our Christmas celebration and would love to make it truly special for everyone. If you’re comfortable, I’m asking for a small contribution of [amount] to help cover costs like food, drinks, and decorations. Any amount you’re able to give would be greatly appreciated and will help make the event a success. Let me know if you’d like to chip in, and thanks so much in advance!”

2. Light-hearted and Casual

“Hey [Name]! I’m so excited for the Christmas party this year! To keep things simple, I’m collecting a small contribution to help with the overall costs of the event. If you’d like to help out, a contribution of [amount] would be amazing. Of course, any amount is welcome, and if not, no worries at all! Can’t wait to see you there!”

3. Group Contribution Request

“Hi [Name], I’m looking forward to having everyone over for Christmas this year! To make it happen, I’m kindly asking if everyone could chip in [amount] to help cover expenses such as food, drinks, and decorations. Your support means a lot and will help ensure we all have a great time together. Let me know if you’re in, and thanks so much for considering it!”

4. Thoughtful and Appreciative

“Dear [Name], I’m reaching out as I’m organising a Christmas gathering and would love for it to be a memorable occasion for all of us. To help with the costs of food, drinks, and decorations, I’m asking for a contribution of [amount]. Your generosity would be truly appreciated and help create an enjoyable experience for everyone. Please let me know if you’re able to contribute. Thank you so much in advance, and I can’t wait to celebrate with you!”

5. Casual and Open

“Hi [Name]! I’m hosting a Christmas event this year and am asking for contributions to cover expenses. If you’re able to chip in [amount], it would be a huge help with things like food, drinks, and decorations. Of course, it’s completely optional, and anything you’re comfortable with would be greatly appreciated. Let me know if you’re interested, and thanks so much for considering it!”

Be Confident

I know it can be tricky asking for contributions but be confident, think about your tone of voice and body language and use these scripts to help – and be confident.

The holidays are all about bringing loved ones together, creating beautiful memories, and sharing in the spirit of giving. By asking your family to chip in for Christmas, you not only ease the financial and logistical load but also foster a sense of teamwork and collaboration.

Remember to approach the conversation with warmth and transparency, emphasising how their contributions will help create a magical and stress-free celebration for everyone.

With thoughtful planning and open communication, you can host a Christmas gathering that’s truly a collective effort—one that’s not just about sharing costs but also about sharing the joy of the season.

Here’s to a holiday season full of love, laughter, and a little help from your family!

How do YOU handle Christmas Family Fall Outs? Sure Fire Tips to Help.

I was interviewed on the Vanessa Feltz Show on BBC Radio London about how to handle relatives  at Christmas!

We all face similar problems at Christmas from Auntie Mabel on the sherry to Grandad on Brexit to navigating all the rules around topics to avoid with your sister!

So, here are just a few of my tips to not just surviving Christmas but thriving at this season of goodwill.

While Christmas can be an exciting time, it can also be a big cause of stress for many. Christmas is indeed a prime time of year for family arguments – whether it be because of clashes in personalities or values, sibling rivalry or simply not agreeing on what to do, being cooped up in the family pressure cooker isn’t always easy.

According to Relate, 68% of people who responded to its survey expected to row over the Christmas holidays, with 39% citing Christmas Day as the mostly likely time to have a bust-up… that’s why there’s always a spike in people seeking divorces in January !

Take the pressure off yourself, don’t buy into the smiley Christmas Ads on TV and relax – focus on the bigger picture, what’s important to you and your children and remember problems don’t simply disappear because it’s Christmas.

Top Tips

Watch your alcohol intake. Drinking too early for too long can loosen your tongue and make you say things you will later regret. So, just be mindful of a large glass of Prosecco at 9am may not help your family dynamics!

Plan ahead – stay only for a short visit if tensions get high after a while. Tell your family that beforehand so they don’t get offended.

Be mindful of HOW you say things – watch your tone of voice and your body language – people get easily hurt or offended so it’s all in your attitude, intention and how you plan what you’re going to say and when.

Press Your Imaginary Pause Button – read more about my technique here. My Pause Button Technique is a really simple way to empower you no matter what situation they find yourself in, as it allows you to press your imaginary pause button, freeze time and consider the consequences of the actions you are about to take, before making a more informed, better choice.

Pause Button Technique

Do your best to compromise – look for the middle ground and keep the bigger picture of a loving relationship long term. If your folks are older remember they won’t be around for ever.

Build happy memories for your kids that will last a lifetime. Don’t be petty and sweat the small stuff. Be gracious, patient and kind.

Mix things up a bit. Plan a Board Game or a dog walk, plan the TV shows you want to watch that are family friendly not offensive to Grandma or too rude for toddlers! Keep things moving.

Avoid ‘heavy conversations’ about politics, religion, or the meaning of life or why your sister has always been difficult! Keep things deliberately light and easy going.

Focus on what you LIKE about each person – NOT what you don’t as unconsciously we send out negative vibes if we focus on the negative. Deliberately look for the things you have in common. You’ll find them, just as you’ll find the irritating stuff if you look for that to.

If you are sharing the kids – put a photo of them on the table to remind yourself that whatever the arrangements it’s in THEIR best interest. They love your ex so make sure their memories are positive not flooded with tension and recriminations.

Christmas isn’t always a great time – for the lonely, divorced, bereaved or elderly – reach out – do something kind.

Decide what you want Christmas to be about – what memories you want to create and decide to have fun no matter what the circumstances.

Top 3 Ways to Set Screen Time Boundaries for Kids

Create a Family Technology Contract:

Download my Navigating the Digital Jungle Screen Time Tracker + Screen Free Activities with Scripts.

Why it works: Kids thrive on structure and knowing expectations.

How to do it:

Sit down as a family to discuss screen time rules and consequences. Include input from your child to make them feel involved.

Cover key points like:

Device-free zones (e.g., bedrooms, dinner table).

Specific time limits for weekdays and weekends.

Pro Tip: Keep the agreement visible, like on the fridge or a family board.

Model Healthy Screen Habits

Why it works: Kids learn more from what you do than what you say.

How to do it:

Set your phone aside during family time or meals.

Share how you use screens responsibly, like for work or learning.

Avoid overreacting if boundaries are crossed—use it as a teachable moment.

Schedule Screen-Free Family Time

Why it works:

Replacing screen time with engaging activities strengthens family bonds.

How to do it:

Plan tech-free evenings for board games, outdoor activities, or storytelling.

Use special events like a weekly Digital Detox Day to reset as a family.

Offer alternatives to screens, like art supplies, books, or puzzles.

Remember: Setting boundaries isn’t about punishment—it’s about balance. By creating a collaborative approach, you can guide your child toward healthy screen habits for life.

Navigating the Digital Jungle with Sue Atkins and Friends Podcast

Talking & teaching and fostering empathy in children, both offline and online, is vital in today’s interconnected world.

Empathy helps children understand and respect the perspectives and emotions of others, forming the foundation for healthy relationships and effective communication. In an increasingly digital age, where interactions often lack face-to-face cues, nurturing online empathy is just as important to combat issues like cyberbullying, misunderstandings, and isolation.

My guest, Sarah Mears from EmpathyLab highlights how cultivating empathy can empower children to navigate the digital and real-world landscapes with kindness, resilience, and a deeper sense of community. Through stories, dialogue, and intentional teaching moments, we can equip children with the emotional intelligence they need to thrive and make a positive impact on those around them.

Take a listen here or on any of your favourite podcast platforms

Kindly sponsored by Gigabit IQ

New Research Finds How Animal Characters in Children’s Books Improves Cognitive and Psychological Development

A new Study connecting Cognitive development with Animal Characters

A study conducted by the University of Plymouth shows that animal characters play a significant role in enhancing children’s theory of mind (ToM), the ability to understand and predict others’ thoughts, emotions, and intentions. It provides evidence how children exposed to animal characters scored better results in ToM tests than when exposed to human characters. To go one step further, the younger children scored the same results as their older peers.

I started the Sue Atkins Book Club during the pandemic as a way to support parents and children in navigating the challenges of lockdown while fostering a love for reading and learning.

With so much uncertainty and limited access to traditional resources, I wanted to create a space where families could discover books that inspire, educate, and connect them. Over time, the club has grown into a thriving community, championing lesser-known authors whose work might otherwise go unnoticed.

Recent research has revealed that animal characters in children’s books play a crucial role in enhancing cognitive and psychological development, helping children better understand emotions, build empathy, and engage their imaginations. By highlighting books with such powerful storytelling, the Sue Atkins Book Club continues to provide families with meaningful tools for growth while celebrating diverse voices and enriching family life.

Come and explore these wonderful books here #TheSueAtkinsBookClub

Thank you for joining me in this issue of the Parenting Unplugged newsletter. From exploring the power of empathy to discovering how animal characters in books shape our children’s minds, I hope you’ve found inspiration, practical tips, and perhaps a new perspective.

Remember, parenting in the digital age is about balance, connection, and finding small, meaningful ways to support our children’s growth—both online and offline.

Let’s continue the conversation! Share your thoughts, questions, or ideas with me—I’d love to hear from you. And don’t forget to check out the latest additions to the Sue Atkins Book Club for more parenting inspiration.

If you’d like me to speak at your next event, workshop, or conference, I’d be delighted to share my expertise on topics such as navigating the digital jungle, fostering empathy, and empowering families to thrive both online and offline. Let’s inspire and equip parents and educators together!

Click here: to book me as a speaker or to learn more about my work.

Together, we can make a meaningful difference.

Until next time, here’s to making every moment count!

Sue