A Father's Day Hope: Nurture the Bond Between Dads and Daughters

Twenty-nine years after my dad was rushed to the hospital on June 18, 1993, I still dread this date and the memories of the week that followed. Five years after his death, I wrote in the Boston Globe (Sun., June 21, 1998, p. 79) about my dad and the importance of the father-daughter relationship. In loving memory of his enduring influence, I share that article today (slightly edited for length):

There is no easy way to adjust to a Father’s Day without Dad. My Junes mark the anniversary of his death and a memory of the Father’s Day bedside vigil in the hospital.

As we sat there, watching him slip away, I thought often about words said to me in my first job as a young lawyer: "There is no stronger influence on the development of a female’s self -confidence than her relationship with her father." How I have observed the truth of those words countless times since.

Father’s Day provides an opportunity to celebrate the unique and powerful bond that exists between fathers and daughters. At its best, a father’s love for his daughter conveys an uncritical acceptance that nurtures self-confidence and encourages independence. My father had a way of communicating that, no matter how mischievous the behavior, it was not really that bad, and no matter how small the achievement, it was, in fact, quite momentous.

I think of this bond often as I face another #Father’s #Day whose pleasure is derived only from memories. But in the solace of those memories are the gentle reminders of a father’s love and its lasting impact. The memories, grown hazy with time, retain a warmth and comfort that do not fade with the years.

The strongest memories are those simple interactions that helped build a rock-solid foundation for the future.

I think back to those first driving lessons where I sat excitedly behind the wheel, oblivious to his set jaw and fearful eyes. I remember the Logan airport runway, too close to the end of our street, providing hours of bayside viewing. Where others complained about its intrusion in the neighborhood, he enjoyed its beauty and mystery.

My father loved jogging before it became fashionable. Every night he would tie up his shoes – running footwear was not yet a part of our culture – and take his evening jog. He taught a commitment to health and fitness by the way he lived, not words he spoke.

It is remarkable how the profound expression of a father’s love can be found in these simple acts of daily living.

On this Father’s Day we owe all our fathers mores than the obligatory card and tie. We owe our fathers – and their daughters – a renewed commitment to nurture this relationship. We should start by asking critical questions and demanding answers that will allow us to strengthen this bond.

Why do we spend so little attention on this most influential figure in a young girl’s development? We become involved in our children’s schools to ensure our daughters are treated equally. We scrutinize religious school materials for biblical gender references that perpetuate stereotypical myths. We demand that “herstory” be added to history. We analyze the mother-daughter relationship, but we fail to nurture the father-daughter connection.

If we can anguish over the amount of time a mother spends in the workplace, why does a father’s absence not warrant a similar concern? Should we not seek a work environment that enables fathers to be at home more frequently to participate in the activities of their daughters?

Let this Father’s Day be the one where we show how we value the unique importance of the father-daughter bond. Let us begin by recognizing that a father’s absence is no different than a mother’s. The strength and support that a father provides are too critical to assign to secondary status. We will truly celebrate this occasion when we acknowledge this powerful relationship and redefine the role that fathers have in their daughters’ lives.

As we honor fathers this day, let us devote more attention to the nurturance of the father-daughter bond. It is a relationship to be treasured long after we are separated.