Nurturing the Vessel [Pt. 3]

This article is a continuation from:

Following the Desire [Pt. 1]

Chasing the Data [Pt. 2]

While my main priority in 2023 was navigating my career transition, there was no way to ignore the massive changes in my family life this past year.

As I was going through my own challenges, my parents went through a messy divorce after 30+ years together. They sold our childhood home and my family moved all over the state of California (which might as well be it's own country).

This took a major emotional toll on me in the background. 

See, I moved out for university when I was 17, relocated all over the country starting at 22, then at 28, started traveling the world while working remotely. Even though "home" for me was a constantly changing target, there was always solace in knowing that there was a central place to "go back" and see my family.

This no longer existed.

I did my best to process the grief, let the emotions run their course, but I was resentful. It also simultaneously forced me to acknowledge my privilege.

A lot of people deal with parental divorce during childhood, or grow up without one or both of their parents, which comes with its own difficulties. I had grown up with both parents and while they poorly modeled a loving relationship with each other, they always did their best with us, which is all I could ask for.

While I preferred going through their divorce as an adult to experiencing it as a child, it was disheartening to see my parents come to despise each other, and by doing so they often put their children in the middle without knowing it.

It opened up a lot of wounds for me, and exposed patterns of how I view relationships that I didn’t realize were severely holding me back. 

So, I went back to the US in mid-2023 to remove the last of my stuff from the house I’d made so many memories in.

It was a sobering realization. It sunk in that the next time I would go back, whenever that was, it would be a drastically different experience.

It’s another reminder of why I consider Mexico my home, especially after living here since 2019 as a resident.

Ultimately, I’m happy that both of my parents get to start over and have a chance at a more fulfilling life. I also aim to be a better son going forward.

During the same month-long trip, I also attended the annual memorial for one of my best friends, Danny, who passed away a few years ago. Amidst the family drama, my career insecurity, and Danny’s memorial, it reminded me how fragile human life is – and that change is the only constant.

It also prompted me to consider how I could nurture myself during this stressful time period, and acquire the support I needed to get through it all.

Regaining My Strength

While there was a lot of change in my life, not all change is bad.

One of the most exciting shifts for me in 2023 was playing basketball again. In late 2021, I tore my ACL, had reconstructive surgery and underwent 1.5 years of physical therapy. It was a process.

Stepping back onto the court felt like a daunting task. Yet, playing again ultimately became my refuge during a year filled with instability. Whenever I’m on the court, everything outside of it goes away. Pure flow.

Initially, I feared re-injuring myself. So, I ramped-up slowly.

There was a voice in the back of my head causing me hesitation when I went for rebounds or made hard cuts, but after a month of playing, I regained confidence.

This was equally because of my dedication to my holistic health. There were many pieces that factored in:

Committing to physical therapy.

I went to multiple PT clinics (even as I traversed countries) for over a year, including a sports and knee specialist. After my official PT insurance ran out, I used the exercises I learned to do the work on my own.

I didn’t rush back to strenuous activity, I waited until I passed the necessary strength tests. I had faith in my body's durability enough to play again.

Warm up routines by kneesovertoesguy.

KOT guy is the single, best source of information online about knee (and body) mobility, flexibility, and longevity. His exercises deliver proactive strengthening and recovery for all ages. It’s simple but innovative stuff. Everyday I do a 20-minute warm-up that combines my PT stretches and unique movements that he recommends. My knees and body in general have never felt more limber.

Consistent strength training.

I got back into the gym! Prior to my injury I loved doing HIIT workouts, CrossFit, kettlebells, and all sorts of weight training. It felt amazing to be able to load heavy iron on the bar and feel confident that my body would be able to handle it. The strengthening of the muscles around the knee helped improve my stability and I continue to train at least 3-4 times a week with weights.

Constant recovery.

About 5 days a week in 2023, I went to the spa for hydrotherapy circuits. There’s one a couple blocks from where I live in Mexico, a 4 minute walk away. That made it easy to prioritize recovery time, even in the mid-day in between calls (i.e. why I LOVE remote work). The cold plunge, sauna, and hot tub were vital for regular muscle recovery, relaxation, and nervous system regulation. It’s been a gift to have an affordable facility like this so close.

Low inflammation diet.

Food has been the most difficult relationship of my life. I’m addicted to sugar, like many people, and for years I didn’t realize how much inflammation my diet was causing me. A big adjustment in our household was getting a chef. We split the cost with a few other families and she bulk cooks our food based on a set menu each week. It’s helped me make choices ahead of time that reduce inflammation rather than make decisions in the moment that lead to ordering take out. This makes a big difference with how my body feels and recovers.

5 Years Alcohol Free

In 2023 I also passed 5 full years alcohol-free, and, for the first time actually acknowledged my alcoholism.

I quit originally because I was able to acknowledge that I had a problem with booze, but for years I’ve denied that I was an alcoholic. 

I hated the word and looked down upon people who used it for themselves. It was very judgmental and I was actually just projecting my own BS. I also justified that I wasn’t an alcoholic because my abuse wasn’t out of a need for alcohol on a daily basis, nor did I ever go through strong withdrawals when I stopped drinking.

My issue with alcohol centered around moderation. When I drank, I drank a lot and had trouble stopping. After learning more about alcoholism and its many forms, my introspection lead me to this realization and acceptance.

More on my initial story of quitting here, in an article I wrote a year after I stopped:

It’s not about feeling powerless; Embracing my condition for what it is helped me get clarity – and it helps explain why I did the things I did.

It’s about helping me understand myself at a psychological level, which also brings forgiveness and grace. I’ve stored a lot of shame about my past because of decisions I made when I was intoxicated.

Even though I am a completely different person now, the trauma from those experiences still comes up. Instead of denying this part of me and pushing it to the shadows, I’m more capable of fully acknowledging this aspect of myself, while learning how alcoholism impacts those who experience it.

Making Health Easy

If you can’t tell, health is one of the main priorities in my life.

It’s easy to see that based on where I spend my money and my time, and that’s intentional. My goal is to focus on longevity, mobility, strength, and also making great decisions about my health EASY. 

When something is a no-brainer, like the spa being a 4 minute walk away, living near a gym that has workout classes, or eating what our chef cooks me, I don’t have to spend my time making decisions for myself. 

Yes, it costs more to have these things, but what I ask is: 

What’s the cost I’m willing to pay for my life?

Without health and living well in my body, nothing else matters - not money, not my career transition, NOTHING!

Leaning Into Support

Besides health, my relationship and friendships kept me grounded in 2023 as I went through massive change. I couldn't have done this myself. Some highlights:

We moved in together and celebrated our 1 year anniversary.

Eliza (my girlfriend) and her dog, Chandra (her loving albino Pitbull rescued from the streets), and I moved-in together. This was a huge step.

This is my FIRST time living with a significant other, and I feel like I've already gone through a million initiations in the process.

As someone who's grown up with avoidant tendencies, it always felt like sharing space with a significant other would come at a sacrifice. That I would feel resentful of not having my own space. That it would be too much.

It's been far from perfect... 

It has opened up new challenges in our relationship, caused numerous triggers, and unearthed dozens of unconscious patterns. But through it all we continue to recommit to being 100% in on the process of growth with each other.

The entire experience has been opposite of what I felt it would be.

It hasn't been a sacrifice. It's been a deep and needed mirror. It's been a calling to my true being. Our relationship has gotten stronger, and I feel like I'm on a team.

Cohabitation in a conscious relationship can be a healing modality. It can be a growth opportunity. It can be a container to safely rupture and then repair stronger.

We passed the 1 year mark in September, and so far it's been perfect in the way a relationship needs to be perfect: it's been REAL!

The components of our relationship that are most important:

We maintain relationship practices.

📕 Before bed I read a page of meditations to Eliza & we say gratitude for each other for things that occurred that day.

🗓 We schedule our weeks on a shared calendar, including a formal relationship "check-in," all our work calls, workouts, & intimate time.

We maintain individual practices.

💪 Exercise, meditation, alone time, or taking trips with our own friends.

🍵 We show up with a FULL CUP in the relationship so we're pouring into each other. When we slip, we lovingly call each other out.

We admit when we're wrong & take ownership for BS.

🪞 Our relationship is a mirror to help us learn and heal.

⛑ We both have traumas that come up, we take responsibility & have empathy towards each other. Practicing safety and space to make mistakes is crucial.

While we don't bat 100% with all of this, we are pretty damn good.

Having this level of intentionality in our relationship ensures we both get our needs met, we constantly have feedback loops to clear energy, & the strength of our bond increases over time, not decreases (this is a first for me).

During such an intense part of my life, having Eliza by my side was invaluable.

I organized monthly dinners, networking events, and prioritized connecting others.

I have a talent that I love to share. It's a skill I've been aware of for a long time now, it's something I practice often, and it creates literal magic in my life and others.

And to me, it seems so simple, yet, it can be so impactful:

I love to introduce people to each other!

I meet people everywhere. The coworking space, basketball court, spa, gym, men’s groups, and more. I also join communities in which I know the pre-qualifications of the community will lead to similarities. 

Some of these groups:

• Dynamite Circle
• Nomad Cruise
• NomadBase
• Remote Year
• Nomads Giving Back

Because I’ve created so many friend circles, I love being the connective glue that brings people together from all different walks of life.

My zone of genius is understanding social dynamics and knowing who will connect well with who. For that reason, I'm very intentional with introductions.

Whether introducing people 1:1 or in group settings, I am always envisioning how the vibe will be based on what I know about each of them. For me, the greatest compliment is the lasting friendship of others whom I've introduced.

This happens the most when I create and facilitate environments where it’s easy to connect on a deeper and more meaningful level. I love to create experiences through unique dinners, networking events, and get-togethers. As an extrovert, these types of get togethers are incredibly nourishing for me.

My affinity for relationship building is the largest source of opportunities supporting my career change and the highest leverage route to optionality.

Eliza and I co-hosted and facilitated events together.

The coolest thing?

I was able to combine my relationship and my ambition to build community.

After I received my breathwork certification in June Eliza and I made it a goal of ours to host events together, both online and in person to help others heal. Her work as a feminine embodiment coach, yoga teacher, and a somatic practitioner brings a beautiful presence.

She’s incredibly empathetic, nurturing, and intuitive, which pairs well with my skills for social dynamics and space holding ability.

In our events together we integrate breathwork, meditation, conscious relating exercises, games, and more. It was fun to do events how we wanted to do them with no restrictions. Our focus was to create unique gatherings that no one else was doing, and ones that we would want to go to if we were guests.

A few examples:

🍕 Homemade Pizza Oven Housewarming

We hosted a legendary night of homemade pizzas (our apartment has a brick oven pizza oven on the roof), breathwork, and board games.

📈 Breath, Brunch, and Biz Mini Retreat

We hosted a half-day retreat that combined spirit and strategy to reflect on 2023 and plan goals for 2024. Oh, and lots of food, of course.

🎄 Conscious Christmas

We hosted our first Christmas together and invited some of our good friends in the area. We had breathwork (of course), a white elephant exchange, amazing food, and deep conversational prompts over dinner.

Throughout the year, having the support of my relationship and friendships was an incredible blessing.

Without them, what I accomplished wouldn't have been possible. As I was considering my career change, it was these people I leaned on.

They provided me with feedback loops, coaching, and advice that ultimately helped me make the final decision of what my next step was.

What was that decision?

We're getting there. In the next and final installment of this series I'll talk about the official transition, how I distinguished between making decisions with my heart and mind, and what's in store for 2024. Thanks for coming along with me.

Read Part 4 here.

PS: This series is my 2023 story: the wins, challenges, lessons, and the exact steps of a drastic career transition. By documenting it, I aim to give you an inside look at my process with hope that it helps you. Know that if you're making change, you're not alone. If anything resonates, drop a comment below.

I'd love to hear from you.