Ok. Now We are Equal.

“And who stays with your son during the day?” the nurse asked, furiously pecking away at the keyboard. Capturing all the answers to her questions at the recent physical check-up. What does he eat, how much is he sleeping, when is he starting school?

“With our nanny.”

“Not with you?”

“Umm, no, I work and so….” I stammered defensively. 

“Hmm.” A long pause. Her eyebrows perched high. And then a smile.

“The doctor will see you now. You can head into the Dora the Explorer room.”

I didn’t have any smart come back. Only to wonder, how was this question even relevant to the check-up?

Today marks the anniversary of the 1920 adoption of the 19th Amendment.  Today is about celebrating the right to vote (and worth noting that as women of color we were not able to vote until much later.) It’s also a reminder of the continued struggle for so many women, to be treated equal, seeking to achieve gender equality both in our communities and in our workplaces.

Achieving gender equality is about women and men enjoying the same rights and opportunities in society. It is about the right to vote. Education. Economic participation. And gender equality is women and men being equally valued for their aspirations. 

Over and over again, every day, we are faced with verbal and nonverbal snubs, comments, slights, known as micro aggressions. They happen during a work presentation. Out at dinner with your family. Or at the doctor’s office. Like the one I shared from our nurse, they can be innocent. Unintentional. No one meant to make me feel that way. And yet they convey that same unsettling feeling.

And then you start to think. It’s me. Am I just being too sensitive?

When I first moved to HR from Marketing:                                                                         You must have moved to get more work life balance and work less, right?

On a recent conference call, a male interrupting:                                                                What Mita is trying to say…

A friend advising me on compensation:                                                                               You don’t have to worry about money, your partner does just fine.

Meeting an external partner for the first time:                                                                        So, you lead the team here? (shaking the hand of the male associate who worked for me)

When experiencing an off day:                                                                                             You should smile more often! You have a beautiful smile!

During a career conversation:                                                                                              Your kids are young and you still want to accelerate your career?

A mentee leaning into ask me:                                                                                                So, how do you do it all?                                                                                                            (I whispered the secret password, and handed over my magic wand.)

So the onslaught of these over the course of days, months, years. Like a slew of paper cuts over time can hurt like hell.

And this is only my journey.   

Ask my girlfriends who have decided they don’t want to have children. Or two girlfriends who are raising a beautiful family together. Ask my girlfriends who are single and don’t care to be in a relationship. Or the ones who do and want to prioritize dating outside of work. 

The next time someone asks me or comments like that again. I have the smart comeback.

“If I were a man, would you be asking this question or making this comment?” 

And as a leader, I will ask all us to reconsider the things we think, the things we ask.

Why are we asking the woman in the room to take notes?  Why are we asking our colleague why she’s not smiling? Why are we assuming she can’t take this international assignment because she has a newborn? Why are we saying that she’s overreacting?  Why are we explaining for her and not allowing her to use her voice?

“If I were a man, would you be asking this question or making this comment?” 

When the answer to the above becomes yes? Ok. Now we are equal. And maybe, like the right to vote, we will all wonder in the not too distant future why all of this was ever an issue.