The One Thing My Daughter Needed to Know to Make Her College Decision

The One Thing My Daughter Needed to Know to Make Her College Decision

In the summer of 2019, my wife and I took our eldest child, Martha, on her first college visits, which included a couple of places on the East Coast while we were visiting family. She was mildly interested in two of the three places we visited, but it was pretty clear that she was not as ready for the college search as we were as excited parents. But, those visits to Susquehanna, Bucknell, and the University of Delaware put into motion a process that concluded this past Thursday when she made her decision. 

I am sure our daughter’s search process was a little different from those of many of her Class of 2022 peers. First, she has a father who currently works in higher education and a mother who once worked in college admissions, alumni relations, and external relations. Despite the 40 years’ worth of professional higher ed experience under our belts, we never anticipated the one thing that ultimately gave her the assurance that she could make a decision. While many topics related to fit, finances, and future certainly came up in the discussion, those topics didn’t seem to be as vital to her decision-making process as we thought they would be. In fact, after being witness to this process, I think that we in the admissions world might overemphasize “fit.”

Why? There are a lot of fantastic schools out there. Martha truly would have been a great fit at a half dozen of the places to which she was admitted. So, while fit was important, it didn’t carry the day and our parental emphasis on “finding the place that just feels right” likely fell a bit short for Martha, who could see herself thriving at any number of places. For her, the thunderbolt never came.

In retrospect, what we may have interpreted as a lack of engagement or excitement about the process (which we blamed at least partly on the pandemic messing up the last two years of her life), wasn’t. We’d certainly helped to guide her and posed questions for Martha to ask herself as she considered her many strong options, but we’d overlooked the big thing that Martha had on her mind and it wasn’t until last week that we realized what we missed. 

So, what was one thing she needed to make her ultimate selection?

Last Thursday, Jennie–the recovering admission counselor in our household–had a text exchange with Martha about senior-related events. She segued to the ridiculously large elephant in the room and gently asked if there were any final pieces of information she needed or any issue she wanted to discuss with us in order for her to make a decision. Martha’s immediate text reply was like a punch to the face when Jennie later showed it to me. Martha texted, “I’m not a big fan of making long-term decisions that can alter the course of my entire life.” Whoa. That’s a pretty weighty response from our typically self-assured 17-year-old. Some might interpret Martha’s response as overly dramatic with perhaps a dash of snark; however, Jennie really heard what Martha was saying in that moment, which of course was, “I’m afraid I will make a mistake.”

Jennie had the perfect response and told Martha that “...no matter where you go or which major you choose, you ALWAYS have the option to change your mind and change course.” Jennie later shared that she sensed immediate relief in Martha’s voice and the conversation continued. She reassured Martha that choosing a college is not a written-in-stone decision. She explained that if it doesn’t work out or if she discovers that the place she selected wasn’t a great match for her, we would support her in finding a place that does through the transfer process (after all, it really hurt to break up with some of those schools). Martha needed to hear us say out loud that choosing a college isn’t a forever decision, and that we were going to support her no matter what. This is exactly what she needed to hear and be reassured of in order to make her decision. About 45 seconds after receiving reassurance, Martha confidently made her choice.

Martha will be a member of the entering class at Saint Louis University in the fall and we are very proud of her and excited for her future. Now please excuse me while I go put a SLU sticker on my car.

This was a humbling and important lesson for me as a parent and professional and I am committed to helping prospective students understand from the very beginning of the college search that the decision is not a decision of the magnitude Martha thought it had. I hope my colleagues and thousands of parents across the country will join me in helping lower the stakes surrounding this decision for young people.

We are excited for Martha and relieved the search is over. 

Now, in the event you have some questions about Martha’s search, please feel free to continue...

*Martha applied to 14 colleges and was admitted to 12 (she was denied admission to one and waitlisted at the other). 

*Martha had terrific options, ranging from small national liberal arts colleges to mid-sized comprehensive universities to one R1.

*Martha looked at colleges that offered Tuition Exchange as well as those that did not participate in the program or did not end up offering TE. She was offered TE by six of the twelve TE schools to which she was admitted. This was a good reminder that a student has to be admitted to a college AND offered Tuition Exchange and it’s not a guarantee 

*Martha complained about having to login to multiple portals. This was a helpful insight for me, given that the portals are convenient for an Office of Admission, but a pain for students. 

*Martha is interested in art and art history. She paid attention to facilities in the same way student-athletes and pre-med students do. And, she had plenty of feedback about places where the art facilities felt like an afterthought. She was very impressed by a few places that had made recent investments in the fine and performing arts facilities. 

*Martha’s interest in art led her to consider colleges in cities because of the access to art museums, galleries, and internships. She’s still very much drawn to the value of a liberal arts education, but location mattered more to her than I had initially imagined.

*Martha was very interested in the diversity of each college community. The exposure she’s had to diversity as a student at a larger, public, urban school has been important and I am proud of her desire to surround herself with a diverse community. 

*Martha found social media accounts to be very, VERY important in helping her see if there were other people like her at the colleges and universities she was considering. Emails–even from those in her final four–rarely were opened. Same for most direct mail pieces.

*17- and 18-year-olds can be fickle. We encouraged Martha to jot down her thoughts after each one visit. One “pro” from her list: great Balsamic salad dressing at the cafeteria’s salad bar. One “con”: Really big hill to walk to and from the art building