Our Greatest Fear

“The greatest mistake we make is living in constant fear that we will make one.” —John C. Maxwell

Do you remember the moment that you first felt defeated? 

Most of us can recall a moment in our lives that we felt the crushing blow of defeat.

I remember my fifth birthday very well. My mother baked me a white cake in the shape of a lamb with vanilla frosting sprinkled with coconut to look like lamb’s wool. The eyes and nose were made of sugar covered gummy candies. I loved that cake. But what I remember most from that birthday was a deep disappointment. 

My mother was an elementary school teacher and read to us regularly. My grandmother had given me an old book about frogs living in a pond and leaping from one lily pad to the other. I loved that book and looked at the drawings in it over and over. In my 4 year old mind on the cusp of turning five, I believed that when I awakened on my 5th birthday, I would magically know how to read— just like that. I recall feeling gutted that my magical thinking turned out not to be true when I tried to read that book on my birthday. There were tears.  

My very practical mother listened to why I was so upset and kindly informed me that I first had to learn how to read. It was not too long before I could read that book, but not until learning the basics of reading and painstakingly putting the words together. This was the beginning of a long love of books and academics. 

As the years went by there were many events that brought embarrassment and even teasing from classmates, teachers, adults, or friends. Little by little I was learning to dream smaller and to become very cautious, so I would not make mistakes. The fear of failure and facing ridicule is reinforced in school, in jobs, in our families, and among our friends. 

One learns quickly, the importance of being RIGHT, with the belief that mistakes are a sign of weakness. This underlying fear holds us back, preventing us from becoming who we are meant to be, in exchange for who we are expected to be by those around us, whose opinions we crave more than our own happiness. 

In my case, this fear played itself out by over-achieving. I spent so much time in academics, seeking to be the top achiever! I missed out on so much life, that would have taught me far more than over-studying to get perfect grades, could have ever taught me. In my professional life, absolutely no one has ever asked me what my GPA was or if I was the valedictorian of my medical school class. I was well into my early thirties, before I realized (with the help of my partner at the time) that life is meant to be enjoyed by experiencing it, not just reading about it. Travel and experiencing different cultures, became my greatest teacher. 

I was a professional worrier for many years. I have since come to understand that our experience of life is created from the inside out, not the outside in. What that means is we create our experience of life from our perceptions of circumstances, not by the circumstances themselves. No circumstance or challenge has the power to “make” us feel a certain way.

If we view life as being filled with wonder and excitement, that is the kind of life that we will experience. If we view the world as a cold, unfeeling place, constantly fearing horrors that might not ever happen to us, that is the kind of life that we will experience. If you are a hammer, everything is a nail.

It is our thoughts about challenging circumstances, that creates feelings which dictate the direction our life will take, not circumstances. We can choose to see challenges as a lesson, learn from them and move on, or we can choose to be defeated by them. 

We can be victims or victors. The choice is ours.

Making mistakes is a big part of life. We are not meant to be perfect. We are here to learn and grow, which involves a lot of falling down. The important thing is to get back up, dust ourselves off, and keep moving forward. When challenges come our way, they are a lesson to be learned, not a divine punishment… nothing more. Challenges teach us acceptance, presence, patience, and calm… our true nature. 

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