Overcoming My Inner Scarecrow to Do the Right Thing

Brené Brown says in Dare to Lead, "Daring leaders who live into their values are never silent about hard things."

That's courageous leadership. To align your actions with your values even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard.

For me, that meant standing up to the company bully, even when my self-preservation instinct was telling me to back down.

The situation: I'd learned about some poor behavior another leader had engaged in. Nothing illegal, but unethical--action taken out of self-interest and self-preservation, action that impacted the livelihood of someone else. 

I knew I needed to confront this individual--not only was it the right thing to do, it was my job. Even though I knew it wouldn't change anything, I believed in my soul that he needed to be held accountable, even if it was just energetically by me, for his actions.

As someone who is conflict-avoidant, I dreaded the conversation. I especially dreaded this one as it would be with the company bully. Having been bullied in adolescence, bullying behavior is a trigger for me.

This individual was disliked by nearly everyone. Sometimes he was an obvious bully, stomping around the office, losing his temper in meetings, and demeaning others. Other times, like this situation, he was Machiavellian in his bullying, trying to manipulate people and situations for his own benefit.

His behavior had been brought to the attention of leadership, but it was allowed to continue because he was a rainmaker. (That's a whole different topic, and one I've posted on before. Any positives of your culture are negated by the bad behavior you allow.)

So I put on my big girl pants early one Friday morning and went to his office for the conversation.

I truly tried to approach it with a sense of curiosity first, wanting to understand his perspective. I started with "Help me understand what happened in this situation and how it went down."

The conversation started fine. Then I started to probe for intention and address impact to others. It got ... intense. Voices were raised, tone was tight, and postures stiff. 

He refused to take accountability for his actions. I finally said "What you did, how you handled this, was unethical, and impacted someone else in a life-changing way."

THAT went over like a load of bricks. 

Him: "Are you calling me unethical?"

Me: "I'm saying that what you did in this situation was unethical."

Him: "You don't have the right to call me unethical. Get out of my office!"

My brain carries the story that it's my responsibility to make everyone happy and comfortable. When he yelled "Get out of my office," Every brain cell, was screaming at me "Dial this back! You have to apologize and dial this back!" 

I remember so clearly having that thought rush through my brain. Just as clearly, I remember thinking "No, you do not. You're doing the right thing."

For perhaps the first time in my adult life, I ignored the "keep everyone happy" story. I stood in my courage and values. 

Instead of trying to calm the waters, I stood and said "I am going to leave your office--not because you are telling me to, but because there is nothing more to say. This conversation is over."

I left and walked back to my office, where I sat and shook for a very long time.

That day and evening I replayed it over and over in my mind (because that's what I do), wondering if I should apologize. That evening I had a conversation with my personal Yoda. She asked if I felt I did anything wrong. "I did the right thing by confronting him. My only regret is that I lost my composure--that is not how I am and how I show up." Her response: "Then apologize for that."

I did. I sent an email apologizing for losing my composure. I did not apologize for the message I delivered. 

The response I received further deflected and took no accountability, telling me that it would take time to "rebuild trust." I could only shake my head at that, because there was no trust. There hadn't been since I'd realized months before that he was a bully. Truly, his response was irrelevant.

Nothing changed as a result of the confrontation. I knew nothing would. I didn't have the authority to force any ramifications. But I did the right thing, the only thing I could--I confronted the bully on behalf of others who couldn't. I stepped into courage, stayed true to my values, and took accountability for my behaviors that did not reflect who I am as a leader. My house was clean.

Honestly, it takes courage to even share this story here. While this individual and I aren't connected on this platform--I disconnected from him years ago--we have many connections in common. It's entirely possible he could read this, and proceed to gaslight me. 

But if one person who reads this is inspired to step into their leadership courage and stay true to their values when it's hard, it's worth the risk to share this story. That's the point in writing this--to encourage others to be courageous when it's hard.

"Daring leaders who live into their values are never silent about hard things."

I wasn't silent when my voice needed to be heard. I hope you won't be either.

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My purpose is to allow others the space to be authentic, be heard, and step into their true leadership potential, and my passion is to do this through executive coaching. If you're a Director or VP-level leader looking to step into YOUR full leadership potential--and find your leadership courage--let's connect.

#leadership #leadershipjourney #leadershipcourage