Overcoming the Unexpected: Lessons from the Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle in Thailand

Here is a detailed analysis of my challenging, yet insightful experience during a recent trip to Thailand, where theory and reality collided in unexpected ways. What was meant to be a break from routine and a great opportunity for professional and personal growth quickly turned into a real-life lesson. After an 18-hour flight from Prague, my wife and I arrived in Thailand filled with enthusiasm. For the first time in a long while, it was just the two of us, no kids, ready to enjoy The World Game conference and Erickson Coaching International training "The Art and Science of Coaching" I supposed to lead. This was supposed to be a phenomenal experience we both looked forward to.

However, everything changed when I learned at the border that my visa was not in order. The moment I was informed that I had to be sent back, I reluctantly began to experience the phases of the Kübler-Ross grief cycle, a model widely accepted for understanding reactions to loss and change.

Phase 1: Denial

My first reaction to the news of the visa error was shock. "This can't be happening," I thought, as I stood speechless. "How could this be happening right now, when we had planned everything?"

Reaction to Shock and Disbelief: Understanding and Managing Emotions

When I was informed that can't enter the country, I faced an intense feeling of shock and disbelief. The first thing I noticed was my emotional reaction, directly linked to my inner dialog.

In such cases, awareness is the key. You need to recognize the pattern and than you can do something about it.

I used a NLP technique called "dissociation". Instead of being fully immersed in the conversation with the officer, I observed myself as if watching a scene where someone else was talking to immigration officer. Dissociation allowed me to emotionally distance myself from the situation, and helped me reduce tension, which is crucial in moments of intense shock.

As a result of this technique, I started to think more clearly and although at that moment I had no special options for action, the ability to constructively accept the reality of the situation was crucial.

Phase 2: Anger

After the initial shock, anger followed. Anger at myself for not checking the documents better, anger at the situation that took control away from my plans, anger one the person who gave me wrong info. At that moment, all I wanted was to somehow turn around the situation that seemed hopeless.

Reaction to Anger: Acceptance, Understanding, and Management of Emotions

When I recognized my anger, the first step was to accept that emotion. It was important to acknowledge the anger, but also to ensure that it did not dominate my reactions. After that, I focused on understanding the source of that anger.

Key steps in this phase:

1. Accepting the emotion: Acknowledging that anger is a natural reaction to a frustrating situation. This is the first step toward effective emotion management.
2. Identifying the 'offended bride': In Serbia, there is a phrase "offended bride" which illustrates a state where someone overreacts or feels personally attacked. In my case, it was crucial to understand that "who is angry" is not my entire personality, but just one aspect of me affected by the situation. Understanding that I was the one observing this 'offended bride,' and not that character myself, helped me distance myself and reduce the intensity of the anger.
3. Shifting focus to a more constructive part of myself (for a given situation): When the emotions calmed down a bit, it was important to redirect control from the offended part to the part of myself that could effectively and constructively resolve the situation. This allows the anger to not only last shorter but also to let it express itself in a healthy way and then use it as a catalyst for positive action.

Using this approach, I was able to manage my anger without suppressing or denying its existence. Instead, I used it as a signal that something was wrong, which enabled me to actively and purposefully deal with the cause of the frustration, rather than remaining trapped in a cycle of negative emotions.

Phase 3: Bargaining

After going through the phases of shock and anger, the bargaining phase followed. In this phase, I tried to use all available options to find a solution to the situation. This phase included active thinking and seeking alternative paths, often characteristic of this part of the Kübler-Ross grief cycle.

Key steps in this phase:

1. Active problem-solving: I approached the immigration officer with a series of questions and suggestions. I asked if there was anything I could do, if I could call someone, if it was possible to apply for a visa from Dubai and then return. My goal was to explore all possible options that might lead to a solution.
2. Negotiating: As someone who deals with coaching and negotiating, I used my skills to try to negotiate the best possible outcome for myself. This was a cognitively demanding process, in which I had to remain calm and focused, despite the previous phases of shock and anger.
3. Accepting reality: Although I put significant effort into negotiating and seeking solutions, I quickly realized that my options were limited and that "there was no bread," as is often said in Serbia. This realization was a key moment, as it marked the end of my attempts to change the situation through bargaining and the transition to the next phase. The bargaining phase is an important part of the process of facing challenging situations, as it offers an opportunity to explore all options before accepting the inevitable. Although bargaining is not always successful, the process of consideration and attempts can be useful for mentally preparing to accept reality and planning the next steps.

Phase 4: Depression

Being held in immigration detention was supposed to last only two hours, until my return flight. However, the flight was canceled, and my detention was extended to ten hours. In those moments, the solitude of the space and the helplessness of the situation caused a feeling of complete overwhelm and helplessness. As the hours passed, the initial determination to "forget and look forward" blurred, and the reality that I was "locked up" became increasingly difficult. In those moments, it was most useful to talk to people who shared my fate. I found comfort in talking to a young man, a professional boxer from Australia. Both of us felt relief as we shared our stories and experiences. This human contact helped us better understand and overcome the moment.

Reaction to the Phase of Depression: Writing as a Therapeutic Tool

The phase of depression is often one of the toughest phases in the Kübler-Ross grief cycle, but in my case, the way I faced this phase allowed me to quickly move through it. The key activity that helped me was writing.

Key steps I took in this phase:

1. Documenting the facts: The first step was to put all the relevant facts describing the current situation on paper. This included detailed descriptions of events, what was said, what was done, and what the immediate consequences were. This helped me objectify the situation and reduce the emotional charge I was carrying.
2. Expressing emotions: After I recorded the facts, I focused on my emotions. I wrote about how I felt, which emotions were dominant, and how they affected my current state. This expression of emotions was healing and helped me better understand my inner state.
3. Reflection and learning: Also, I thought about what I could learn from this situation. I considered what lessons I could draw and how I could apply these learnings in future similar situations. This included thinking about what I could do differently if I found myself in a similar context.
4. Planning for the future: Finally, I set goals for myself and thought about the steps to be taken in the future. This included strategies on how to avoid similar situations, as well as considering positive actions I could take to improve my overall state and how to better prepare for unforeseen circumstances.

This writing process was extremely useful as it allowed me to distance myself from the immediate emotional reaction and think constructively about the situation. Writing also helped me move from the phase of depression to the phase of acceptance much faster than usual, as I was able to rationalize my thoughts and focus on practical steps forward.

Phase 5: Acceptance

Finally, when it became clear that I could not return to the conference and had to face returning home, I started thinking about the next steps. I stayed an additional hour and a half, and during that time, I created an action plan for the future. I left the immigration detention physically tired but mentally energized, ready to face new challenges and opportunities that lay ahead of me.

The contrast between myself, who had reconciled with the situation and found the strength to adapt and move forward, and my wife who was waiting outside, still trapped in phases of frustration and anger, was striking.

Her struggle showed that, although the same event can trigger similar reactions, each of us goes through those phases in our own way and at our own pace. The need to return as a couple and go through the grief cycle together again was necessary to reestablish balance in our relationship.