An Overlooked Success Secret: Emotional Bonding

Success is never a solitary endeavor, and since other people are involved, you will find yourself relating to them. Work relationships are notoriously tricky things, and we all tend to choose the course of least resistance, settling for a "strictly business" attitude. This may seem like a safe, practical decision, but in reality one of the strongest qualities in any success story is loyalty, which cannot develop at arm's length.

Of all the various qualities that cement loyalty, emotional bonding is the most powerful, and yet it remains elusive for many who want to lead and succeed. Partially this is due to gender stereotypes - it's considered less than masculine to dwell on emotions or even show them. Partially it's a built-in obstacle. Leaders are mostly drawn from the most competitive people in a group, and having empathy for other people isn't possible if you constantly view them as rivals.

To make you feel less self-conscious about emotional bonding, let's set aside the bias against "opening up and showing your feelings." If we break emotional bonding down, its components are more objective than most people realize, especially those people who are turned off by touchy-feely talk.

To emotionally bond inside your own comfort zone, consider the following four practices, all of them useful in your career and non-threatening.

1. Develop your EQ, or emotional intelligence.
2. Reduce needless melodrama.
3. Remove emotional toxicity.
4. Raise morale.

When you consciously set out to do these things, people will feel that you are on their side, which is the first secret of emotional bonding. Everyone wants to be understood. The second secret is non-judgment. Everyone has a personal story that matters deeply to them. When you show that you are connecting with each and every story, your non-judgmental attitude becomes a powerful binding force. The third secret of emotional bonding is sympathy and compassion. The emotions that other people express are mirrored in your reaction. This mirroring is the essence of compassion. You show that you feel what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes.

These qualities are seen in magnetic figures we want to be like; people who inspire us just by being in their presence. They make emotional bonding look easy, because the actual bond is formed by others--it's the receiver of your attention and sympathy who decides to bond with you. All you need to do is set the stage. The steps listed above derive from a simple realization: all groups share emotions, and the more positive the emotional tone, the better. But more is required than pep talks, Christmas bonuses, and team spirit.

What we're talking about in practical terms is a skill set. Let's examine each skill in more detail.

Emotional intelligence--You acquire this through the maturing process as you experience what works and what doesn't work at the emotional level.

Doesn't work: creating fear through intimidation, uncontrolled outbursts, humiliation, back-biting, intolerance for emotions in others, treating emotion as weakness.

Does work: showing others that you feel the way they do, sympathy, praise, absence of confrontation, building up another person's confidence, establishing casual rapport.

These aspects of emotional bonding can be learned. In some corporate cultures, especially in the past, using fear and intimidation was an accepted style, and a boss might pride himself on being called an S.O.B. behind his back. The military still operates under this model, but when it comes down to units of soldiers in battle, what counts the most is protecting your buddies, which is an emotional bond. Protecting your group and instilling in them the desire to protect each other should be emphasized more, and it would be if corporate culture was less directed toward competition inside the culture.

Reducing needless melodrama--This follows from the lessons of emotional intelligence. Melodrama includes warring factions, gossip, undermining a rival, and passive aggression. When you give an order that is followed by foot-dragging, under-production, lateness, and the like, that's passive aggression. Outright disobedience or rebellion doesn't occur, but there is underlying hostility nonetheless.

Leaders bring out the best in others, but successful visionaries go even farther: they form lasting emotional bonds. They are the kinds of leaders we hold in our hearts. Deep motivation then develops. When people are emotionally bonded to you, they want to have contact. They want to be of service and share in your vision. True, lasting loyalties are formed.

To create such a bond, you must be willing to build real relationships. Share yourself. Take a personal interest in others and notice their strengths. At the most basic level, you must display healthy emotional energy yourself. Exclude the three toxic ‘A’s: authoritarian, angry, and aloof. In every situation make it a habit to ask the key questions of emotional intelligence: How do I feel? How do they feel? What are the hidden stumbling blocks? A leader who can answer these questions will be in a position to create lasting emotional bonds.

Deepak Chopra MD, FACP, founder of The Chopra Foundation and co-founder of The Chopra Center for Wellbeing, is a world-renowned pioneer in integrative medicine and personal transformation, and is Board Certified in Internal Medicine, Endocrinology and Metabolism. He is a Fellow of the American College of Physicians and a member of the American Association of Clinical Endocrinologists. The World Post and The Huffington Post global internet survey ranked Chopra #17 influential thinker in the world and #1 in Medicine. Chopra is the author of more than 80 books translated into over 43 languages, including numerous New York Times bestsellers. His latest books are Super Genes co-authored with Rudolph Tanzi, PhD and Quantum Healing (Revised and Updated): Exploring the Frontiers of Mind/Body Medicine. www.deepakchopra.com