Pampers, PowerPoints and Presumptions – getting unfiltered on motherhood and inclusive workplace cultures.

What’s it all about?

Simple questions like “are you enjoying motherhood?”, “how is motherhood going?” are questions I would have previously overlooked as being ‘obvious’ ones to ask a new mother. However, I now get the ‘real’ importance of those questions, particularly, for new mothers.

Despite absolutely loving motherhood and my fourth trimester, I now better appreciate the challenges that come with the “[most rewarding, selfless, thankless yet demanding job]” that exists (as stated by several female friends, family and colleagues).

Armed with this knowledge I was enlightened about the real experience’s mothers may go through and wondered if it is possible, for those who want it, to still be the most devoting mother yet still have your own personal and career goals. I’ve had discussions with several female colleagues who feel they still want to be able to add value in the workplace and grow in their careers, alongside motherhood. Though if we do not acknowledge some of the challenges that parents may go through, or some of the transferable skills a parent could bring, then how can we really create inclusive workplaces and allow mothers, particularly, to feel that they will have fair opportunities?

I was bewildered as to why we simply do not speak about this topic enough or acknowledge parents enough in the workplace, particularly when you think of the transferable skills!

So, I wanted to speak up about it…. get unfiltered (just a little bit for starters!), create awareness of the motherhood journey (so you can better appreciate what some of your colleagues or friends may be going through) and demystify some of the presumptions. I also wanted to showcase just some of the underrated skills mothers could bring to the workplace. I hope it shines a light, encourages more inclusion, opportunities, and hopefulness.

Obedient ignorance.

We prepare ourselves for this monumental occasion of the baby arriving. How to be a good parent research - tick; baby list - tick; baby shower - tick; advice advice advice - tick. Birth plan - tick. Paediatrician - tick. 

We live in oblivion and get comfort from our lists and plans; we believe that lists will prepare us.  However, can anything really prepare you for something you have never gone through before?

Fleece blanket or hand towel?

At the hospital, the feeling of readiness may be exacerbated by the type of experience you have had. Hand held and supported in a private maternity ward - which can be great but potentially only delays the inevitable ‘going home’ where you could be somewhat sheltered from the reality to come!; or in a hospital for a mere night where you could have minimal support, also not setting you up well for going home.

Then come the congratulatory messages, which do not stop, and keep you on an ongoing adrenaline rush! Overwhelmed with new feelings and an understanding of the mammoth task you’ve just gone through (which is quite frankly a miracle). Behind the here’s my newborn baby picture is an array of memories that come flooding into your frontal load; the pregnancy test, telling your partner, first doctors visit, first scan, finding out the gender, witnessing your body change, first kicks, general and new-found anxiety over the little peanut/apple/watermelon, formally announcing, baby shower, waiting for labour, birth plan going out of the window, waiting for the first cry.

Home sweet?

With this adrenaline, the excitement of going home (car seat - check) may be short lived. Once you arrive you immerse yourself into the ‘look after the newborn yourself’ crash course. Is the baby still breathing? Don’t drop the baby. So, I need to take my baby to the paediatrician appointment? OK.. taxi? Or can I walk? Is the route pram friendly? Has the baby been fed? Contingency? OK, this is the new normal!

Mums the word - and the on demand cycle

Whilst you’re adjusting, your amazing friends continue to check in on you. I particularly felt that some of my friends had deep meaning behind their ‘how are you doing?’ - almost like we’ve been there before and we get it! 

It’s like you’ve just been exposed to their secrets. It feels like a secret mother’s club you’ve just joined as there is not much spoken about a woman’s birth experience or her fourth trimester (aka the first three months of baby’s life which are crucial for baby and mother to adjust).  It’s a personal journey for sure, but there is benefit in sharing experiences and creating a community feel of ‘OK I’m not the only one!’. So why is this fourth trimester so crucial? Because less is known and even spoken about regarding this period. Harvard Medical School state: “We hear a lot about the three trimesters of pregnancy. But many women (and even some medical professionals) know little about the fourth trimester.”

Let’s elaborate. Whilst you have guidance and several medical checks during pregnancy, the medical attention on the mother is typically reduced during the fourth trimester, comparatively. Furthermore, this new little beautiful creature is entirely dependent on you after being (potentially rudely!) awoken from their incredibly comfortable nesting spot for the last 40 odd weeks. Imagine being in a dark room for that long having all your food and waste automatically processed… then suddenly everything you know changes. 

There’s also incredible change for the mother, parents or primary carers during this time. For example, sleep. At the beginning you could be up frequently during the night, or at least every 3 hours feeding, (and potentially ‘pumping’ to produce the milk if needed). On constant repeat, on demand. We got lucky with a baby who slept well most of the time, but what if that’s not the case? Having endless sleepless nights can just be draining and demotivating. 

On top of adjusting to new sleep routines, it’s an overall adjustment to everything. Imagine being responsible for another human being's every single motor action and survival. Think about it… them breathing, eating, bathing, sleeping, changing, learning, developing etc; everything is dependent on you. Then consider when you can do anything for you? Then repeat! 

Whilst you still feel you’re going through the crash course, your risk aversion is likely higher. It’s likely heightened when you, no doubt, receive several bits of advice or recommendations on how to do everything! Grateful you are, though every experience is different, and you feel there comes a time when you need to trust your own judgment. That alone can also be mentally challenging on top of everything you’re going through. 

I was blessed to have great support from my husband working from home, family and a babysitter which really helped. Also, in Nigerian Igbo culture the grandmother stays with you, for however long you need, to just take care of you so you can better take care of your baby. However, take all of that away and it can be an even more challenging journey to adjust to. This may be the case for single parent families or those without an extended family or those unable to be close with a family given COVID-19. I recognise that the support I had was instrumental for me, though there were still challenges that I had to deal with myself as a mother. Some challenges I had to persevere and try to find solutions, get creative, ask for help, automate where possible. Again, it can be draining. Ultimately, “each of our motherhood experiences are upheld by the foundations of culture, individual (family) traditions, and new habits” a friend rightly said.

There is hope

Despite it all, I personally found that adjusting to motherhood was one of the best feelings I’ve had in life. A smile, a giggle took all the challenges away. The most challenging ‘role’ I’ve embraced is also the most rewarding one ever. 

My eyes were far more open into the experience I could have easily had myself were it not for the support I had around me. I also realised how obediently ignorant I had been to the experiences of mothers or primary carers before motherhood myself. I even wondered how my husband’s experience raising our daughter would have been so different if he were not working from home and could see how much of a challenging role it can be. I wondered whether parents were simply accepting the need to not share their experiences, not because they did not want to but potentially because they felt it was the norm. I then started thinking about some of my colleagues who had gone through the parenthood journey who may have their own stories to share but choose not to as they may feel it’s not work related? It got me thinking on demystifying motherhood (and parenthood), whilst still being able to progress in your career. 

Your ability to vulnerably practice your inner and honest motherhood voice, set aside the growing presumptions that exist across communities, groups or individuals (which can be perpetuated of course by media coverage of dramaticized perceptions of motherhood) and follow the motherhood path of your choice, can be daunting. However, could it be more attainable to have the motherhood path of your choice if there is better support and understanding? Yes.

Inclusive workplaces - re-grading the equity of motherhood

Of course, if you’re overworked, under supported, going through so many changes, feel unheard and feel you have to put on a brave face to everyone, it’s easy to see how it can be a physically, mentally and emotionally charged period. Being able to check in with colleagues and friends in such an important phase of their lives is critical. Also being able to appreciate the different experiences that colleagues may go through. Now when I hear something like: “Hi, I’m Claudia, I’m a Mother of 3”, I hear the statement in a whole new light. Now what I think about is ‘you did that 3 times?!’ My mother had 5 of us! 

In addition, colleagues in different regions may face entirely different experiences, based on support access across different communities, governmental regulations that may be in place or workplace parental leave policies. Motherhood/parenthood invites us to rethink how we adapt, connect and problem solve. The selflessness, the care, the thought, the creativity, the organisational ability; ultimately several life and work related skills are called upon.

Here are a just a few ways we can recognise the skills parents may be able to apply to their roles/careers, based on their experiences, and encourage them. By no means is this an exhaustive list so please feel free to add more in the comments! 

1.    Vulnerability to communicate and empathise, enhancing your leadership style

2.    Patience to learn something entirely new, whilst unlearning pre-coded habits

3.    Creativity to help solve problems and innovate, in order to add value

4.    Operating with carefully thought through plans and efficiency whilst managing risks and uncertainty

5.    Managing instincts and making decisions when there is limited information

So, remember, that despite needing to embrace a new role that can be overwhelming, it is also a role that can be highly empowering. The skills you gain and the changes you go through can be great enablers in your career. It’s also important that we see that we can have our families and still be seen, heard and successful in our careers. Lastly, we need to appreciate that we never can known or appreciate the true situation for any mother or parent (or any individual seeking to start a family). The topic is sensitive, yes, but with better communication and understand we can help create more inclusive workplaces for all. So, whether you have a colleague or friend who has just announced a pregnancy, is on parental leave or has returned to the office consider what you can do to encourage and support them!

Credits:

Huge thank you to Vanessa Schatz, my fellow Stanford Voyager, for making the time to review and comment on this blog. Immensely helpful!

Thank you also to Jenny Preston whose great wit and openness helped with the first part of the name for this blog: ‘Pampers & PowerPoints’!

Lastly to all the friends, families and colleagues who shared some of their stories with me to create this.