The Paradox of Expectations

Expectations are tricky. Our brains are prediction machines, trying to solve for uncertainty. Our expectations hold an immense amount of power over our happiness, satisfaction, and even our physiology. If we fail to meet expectations that are too high, we feel frustrated, disappointed, unhappy, or maybe even anxious. High expectations can also lead to crushing pressure and a decrease in motivation and performance. If expectations are too low, we may be apathetic and unmotivated to take risks and try new things. Low expectations may leave our potential unrealized because we are too afraid to try. Additionally, actually meeting our expectations can also lead to dissatisfaction. Have you ever achieved a goal and felt empty? Therein lies the paradox. We need to have expectations, but how do you set realistic and appropriate expectations that provide enough stimulus for motivation and performance, but also enough space for happiness and life satisfaction?

To further complicate matters, there are also the expectations of others and from others that join the party. And even more complicated still, as we achieve more things, our expectations shift.

First, let’s define expectations and how they can quickly snowball out of control.

Expectations are a hope or appraisal for how an outcome of a task is supposed to go. The dictionary defines expectations as a “strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.” Expectations are further complicated by cultural norms, past experiences, other people, our mindset, and even fear of others’ opinions.

A Negative relationship with Expectations –> Judgment –> Pressure –> Unhappiness/reduced motivation

Life satisfaction = realistic expectations and psychological flexibility around them.

happiness = reality/expectations

THE TRAJECTORY OF EXPECTATIONS

Imagine starting a new sport or activity. The pressure is low, the bar is low for most of us, and it’s easy to have a curious beginner’s mind. With low expectations and a beginner’s mind comes freedom and joy. The problem is that when we get validation and see improvement, our brain moves the bar, and now we expect more.

When it comes to expectations and other people, the more we get to know someone and the deeper our relationship gets, the more we expect of that person.

The more we achieve or the closer we get to someone, the more our goalposts move. As I mentioned before, we may even feel dissatisfied, even when we meet expectations. We may feel like we need to have our expectations exceeded to feel happy. What’s left is empty achievement and struggling relationships.

When it comes to our goals, put our happiness on meeting our expectations saying, “I’ll be happy when I get x…” but then we don’t feel happy. This is called the arrival fallacy and I’ve written about it at length if you want to learn more.

Then, there is even the case where someone is proficient at a lot of things, but doesn’t want to try something new because they already have expectations that are too high. We’ve all heard, “be brave enough to suck at something new.” This quote alludes to the fact that people even have high expectations for something they’ve never even done before. Bottom line, we don’t like to feel incompetent and people have different comfort levels with feeling that way. Feeling like you suck, feeling incompetent, and feeling frustrated is all on the path to mastery.

When expectations aren’t met repeatedly, our task or activity may no longer be fun, and our brain shifts into protection mode to preserve our self-worth. How many times have you gone out for a workout with an expectation in mind, and then spent the rest of the workout beating yourself up because you couldn’t meet those expectations? Expectations are also tricky when you show up for a group activity and people in the group or team expect you to perform a certain way. What if you don’t? Doubt, insecurity, intimidation, and fear abound.

What can we do about the paradox of expectations?

How do you set expectations of yourself and others without causing undue pressure, stress, and threat? How do you strive for more while holding expectations and outcomes lightly? Should you set the bar low so you don’t disappoint yourself and others? Or should you set the bar high so you stretch yourself? Therein lies the paradox.

The thing is, having high expectations isn’t the problem. Ask any high-performer and you can bet they set the bar high. Having a thriving relationship with your expectations lies in the complex relationship you have with yourself, your mindset, and how you manage expectations and strive for achievements. There’ll never be a solution for “now I feel better about it” but understanding yourself and having some tools in your pocket can help with this paradox.

“The question is not what you look at, but how you look and whether you see.”

Henry David Thoreau

In doing the research for this article, my brain started hurting. Each rock I lifted gave rise to more complexity and many directions I could go with this. I’m going to start with expectations of ourselves, then go into expectations of others and from others, and I’ll end with some tools and takeaways.

To continue reading or listening, click here. You'll find more about:

• Expectations of ourselves
• Expectations FROM others
• Expectations OF others
• The pressure created from expectations
• The difference between goals and expectations
• What to do about it