The paradox of strength and vulnerability

The paradox

The more courage I find to rise to the heights of my vulnerability, the stronger I become, yet the weaker I am accused of being. The more bitchy I become, the easier the road I am actually choosing is, and the less growth I am challenging myself to, yet, often, I’m seen as stronger by the weak. And the stronger I become, the fewer people can recognize my strength.

• Should I show my authority or understanding?
• If I meet this behavior with love and empathy, am I the sucker or the bigger person?
• How much of ‘‘putting myself in their shoes’’ should be done? Shouldn’t they strive for a higher standard?
• Am I weak for giving them another chance, letting go of a grudge, not seeking closure, not caring for revenge, or a solatium? 

I would like to think that if people were to remember one thing about me, it would be embracing change within them, showing that everything is achievable. It’s all a matter of making a choice. I want to be seen as a strong leader, a strong human, and a strong woman because I feel that it is who I am, wholeheartedly.

But, I catch myself doubting at times. Should I push myself, when a reward is a potential misperception and damage to the very thing I’m pushing myself to be more of - an authentic, wholesome, strong human being?

Two choices

On the one hand, we have a choice to show up vulnerable, coming from a place of understanding and compassion…

“The definition of vulnerability is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

If you think about it, all are ever-present in today’s business landscape, worldwide mental health crisis, and accelerating speed of change. From economies, through technology, careers, to love.

But vulnerability is not weakness; it's our most accurate measure of courage.

When the barrier is our belief about vulnerability, the question becomes: 'Are we willing to show up and be seen when we can't control the outcome?'

When the barrier to vulnerability is about safety, the question becomes: 'Are we willing to create courageous spaces so we can be fully seen?”

// Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone

On the other hand, we can choose a course of action in accordance with what is a deeply engrained social construct of strength…

• we measure success by outputs, not how one gets there, inviting quick fixes, overnight success, and toxic behaviors as posters for strength
• we still heavily rely on leadership theories that are 20,30, and even 60 years old, glorifying a leader that is always put together and is all-knowing, talking far too little about the realities of being in such a role
• there is no room for showing emotions
• being a leader is a position that can be executed on demand and is all about you

Go back to 3 key words of vulnerability -uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. The mental construct of a strong leader quells all of the above. Interesting, huh?

How did that happen? Starting from an early age when the tv is running in the background, you hear adult conversations without comprehending context but just the sentiment of what is said, you watch ads and cartoons, and even as you observe a father figure in some cultures’ family construct, a specific image, of what strength is, imprints in your brain. This is just one reason why representation matters so much and is so underestimated, but that’s a topic for another time.

Back to the matter at hand, exposing our emotions, and showing up authentically and wholesomely is often the opposite of what our brain registered as a demonstration of strength.

The paradox occurs: we see an inverse (negative) correlation between strength and vulnerability (when one goes up, the other decreases), when in fact, there is a positive correlation between these two.

Deep dive into the study of self-awareness

The paradox we experience is the clash of opposing emotions. On the one hand, we want to be seen as strong leaders, parents, partners, and humans. On the other hand, we know that vulnerability would be a harder workout, which promises to become a more authentic leader, which in turn, makes us more balanced, fulfilled, and mentally strong.

Often, little to no awareness of how our self-perception is constructed leads to an internal battle, where a stifled need for external validation (a tale-tale sign of one of the most primal human needs to belong) and an unknowingly misplaced locus of control win against becoming a higher self.

By exploring your Self-perception, you can identify what drives your need for external validation and identify what is your source of safety AKA where is your locus of control. Self-perception consists of 3 elements: self-concept, self-esteem, and self-presentation.

Self-concept is all the beliefs we have about ourselves (the true ones and false ones), affected by social context and past behaviors. Mind that this element is usually conditioned for years in a specific way of thinking!

ask yourself: what labels do I think others give me and what labels do I usually give myself?

The second element is self-esteem which adds an emotional dimension. It consists of two elements: private and public self-consciousness. Because people differ in the degree of self-awareness when reflecting we need to force our minds to observe whether our lack of safety, stress, or anxiety are founded in private self-consciousness or public self-consciousness. What does it mean? Well, we need to observe whether the challenge or a problem is based on beliefs over behavior according to our inner self or beliefs according to social standards and expectations. With many of my coaching clients at some point we arrive at the point of ‘’I need to make the right decision.’’ Now, think about it, what does right refer to? Right according to your values or right according to expectations I think others have of me.

ask yourself: do I want others to, if in my position, do the same, or do I need myself to accept that this is the way I think even if it’s not aligned with what most would do?

If you feel the first question describes your doubts better, you may want to explore what is the source of the need for shared responsibility (the desire to know that others would decide alike) in your decision-making.

This connects well with our third, and last, component of forming perception: self-presentation which basically considers our goals of self-presentation. We normally talk about 3 main ones here (no matter how above these you think you are, most likely one of them plays a significant role in how you shape your reality):

1. we want to affect other people’s impression to win their approval (see ‘’the right decision’’)
2. we want to increase our own influence in the situation 
3. we feel the need to reassure ourselves that others got an accurate impression of us

ask yourself: which goal (1-3 above) resonates with me most?

All 3 elements build our self-perception by perceptual grouping, which is bringing observations into patterns. It’s our inborn ability as humans. Our brains especially like it when these patterns can be categorized/associated with things we know. And here we come the full circle.

These are the things that make you doubt yourself when deciding if you should show LOVE (coming from the point of understanding and vulnerability) or TOUGHNESS (a show of socially approved strength). Never explored, often results in clouded judgment and abandoning strategic thinking in the moment, leading to decision-making grounded in fear, potentially too stagnant for today’s fast-paced landscape.

Emotions are connected with what we believe will ensure our survival, not what actually will.

// David R. Hawkins, Letting go: the pathway of surrender

A plot twist: redefining the concept of strength

By understanding more about how your self-perception is constructed, you can identify the emotions guiding the process of shaping reality in the moment more accurately. Thus, you take ownership of your response more effectively.

One of my biggest milestones in overcoming early trauma was to accept, in my own mind, that I chose to live by the statement If you want to live 100%, you need to be prepared to crash 100%. In other words, to ALLOW yourself to fully experience the beauty of something, you need to accept that it comes with uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Sounds familiar?

Embedding vulnerability as part of authentic living unlocks the deep intrinsic power that I believe we all carry.

That power is finding our own unique process of accessing an unlimited supply of courage!

Hawkins in his book Power vs Force: the hidden determinants of human behavior, presents a map of consciousness that consists of different energies divided into positive and negative ones (see the picture below)

It is Courage that seems to be the pivotal energy that marks the shift between destructive and life-supporting mindsets. Words listed on the map of consciousness associated with it are permitting, feasible, affirmation, and empowerment.

It is just my humble opinion but what if courage is how we should define strength?

There are no other goals than to overcome fear or achieve happiness.

// Letting go: the pathway of surrender

Isn’t it that if you are aware of what emotion you fear, you can demystify the risk and shed light on what is uncertain (feasibility assessment), then make a conscious choice (affirm) to allow yourself (giving permission) to proceed? Courage seems to build an intrinsic alignment, which in many schools of thought is referred to as body-mind-soul alignment.

In summary

Doing research on this article, I realized, I have moved 21 times over the past 10 years, most of which was across borders. I changed continents 3 times. And as for a 28-year-old, I have been on my own for a long time. A lot has happened. I worked in countries where my nationality or gender was enough to assume I don’t have much potential. I worked in positions where my age was enough to question my skills. I started building relations from scratch over and over with every new place. And I wouldn’t have changed a thing. It forced me to master adaptability and train incredibly strong mental muscles which, till today, I thought, were my biggest strengths. But now I am convinced that it is the cycle of coming back to the point of courage that is a pivoting moment for keeping the mindset in check and allowing me to control the responses to drive maximum results.

The moment we accept that notion, we start the process of aligning strength with vulnerability. We, then, anchor our locus of control internally and, thanks to heightened self-awareness, enable ourselves to reflect in the moment, calibrating the way we process our construct of reality and shifting the need for external validation to stepping into the deep internal power of authenticity.

ask yourself: how does my route back to courage look like now? Knowing that you have to be as vulnerable, as strong you want to become.

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This is the very first of what I hope to become a regular sharing. Please let me know if you enjoyed it.

Mary