(PART 2) Why I Went Back To Kindergarten At 35 and How It's Creating 10 Million Dollars

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MAY 15, 2022: WEEK 12 OF EATING DISORDER TREATMENT COMPLETE!

This update took a turn I really didn't think I'd be brave enough to take!

Officially the three month mark!!! Three months have both flown by and felt like the longest three months of my life and as with most weeks, this one has definitely been a transformative one. This week my therapist and I entered the next phase of my weight exposure (phase 2) which was to let me know how many pounds I’ve been fluctuating over time. We didn’t go into the specific number, the next step was for me to just understand how my weight has changed over time. When I started treatment I would get weighed three times per week and progressively that’s gone down to one time per week. In the last three months, my team has collected ton of data! During that time, I've also drastically changed my eating habits.

If you would have told me that for a period of three months I would change my diet by eating foods I considered to be “bad” for me, six times a day and that would include eating eat ice cream almost daily, even twice a day, I would’ve bet money on the fact that body size would have significantly increase - and when I really mean, is that I would have bet my last dollar that I would have gotten F-A-T. That my worst nightmare would come true. This is what we’re taught as humans and this fear is why the diet industry is alive and well, ruining lives and confidence levels everywhere!

Three months later I have real data and results… Did my worst nightmare come true? Remember, I don't know my weight, I don't know what my weight was to begin with and I don’t know what it is now - my team does. So my therapist started by telling me that in the last two weeks, my weight increased by some amount of pounds… I can’t remember exactly how many but I do remember hearing and having a negative reaction to the word “increased” - having no reference point whatsoever. The next part BLEW MY MIND. Her next statement demolished EVERYTHING my eating disorder has ever told me...

She told me that from the day I entered treatment on February 22, 2022, till now my body weight has ONLY changed by increasing 3 pounds. WHAAAAAAAAAT!!!???

I was shocked!!! Everything I had previously thought was real and true, all of a sudden wasn’t, because if ANY of my fears around food and weight were true, I would have AT LEAST gained 10, 20 even 30 pounds. By society’s standards, I was eating “unhealthy junk” 6 times a day! I both couldn't believe it and it was the BEST news I could have ever received! I was so relieved and excited to know that I could have this amazing new relationship with food WITHOUT any of my worst nightmares coming true. Holy. Shit.

As I’ve mentioned before I haven’t actually weighed myself in more years than I can remember, so I have absolutely no idea how much I weigh or how that’s changed over time. However, I have two reference points as it comes to weight - 2 numbers I resonate with. I know that in college I weighed somewhere around 175 pounds, and throughout the years, whenever I’ve felt relatively decent about my body, I weighed 150 pounds. I also know that at my SMALLEST, when people were saying “WHOA you lost a lot of weight…” I was a size 7 and that was after training for a triathlon.

So here’s the really fucked up part – a powerful example of how irrational and convincing the eating disorder can be: Last summer, when filling out a form to rent a mountain bike, I was required to write down how much I weighted. I’ve never ridden a mountain bike before but apparently they adjust it to your height and weight… and however that works. While I was figuring out what to write down, the guy I was with said something like “You’re like 130 pounds right?“ – I got such a high in that moment, I felt GOOOOOOD! And the fact that he thought that was true – I felt hot as hell!

In reality, I probably haven’t weighed 130 pounds since I was 12, and if I did, I would look ill and be in serious need of medical attention… but in that moment, the number 130 became as real as if I was standing on a scale looking at it with my own eyes. This totally made up number became pure fact in my mind and has been my reference point for months and months (without any actual evidence). So a couple of weeks ago, when I heard that my recommended weight range was 150 to 170 pounds – my mind nearly exploded. I previously wrote about how hearing that led to my most challenging weekend of treatment yet. It was also a major turning point for me, in a good way. I had to confront all the demons head on and choose to continue. I’ve had to question absolutely everything I’ve ever believed to be true throughout this process.

Now that I’m in “Deep Sea”, every Wednesday I bring in a challenge snack and every Thursday a challenge meal. We plan these for ourselves on Monday – This week I fucking killed it! My challenge snack was a hostess apple pie, something I’ve demonized and decided was off-limits for yeeeeeears. I don’t know if anyone actually eats these anymore - somebody must since they still sell them – I remember eating them when I was a kid, went hostess stores still existed. The success of eating this pie was not that I liked it, because I didnt – the success was that I ate it without overwhelming guilt and anxiety afterwards. HUGE accomplishment! And why does this matter practically? Because as I’ve learned in treatment, there are going to be times in life where you just have to eat something because you’re hungry and you won’t necessarily like it – and that’s ok. I’m so proud of myself!

For my challenge meal on Thursday, I FINALLY confronted my fear of fast food! And let me tell you, it was kind of awesome! I can’t remember the last time I ate fast food but Carl’s Jr did not exist back then, at least not in Buffalo, NY. On the way to treatment that afternoon I went through the drive through and picked up a beyond burger and fries, surprisingly excited to give it a try! You know how in life they tell you that things get easier with time… it’s true!! All these months of challenging and eating foods I’m terrified of paid off - I sat down and REALLY ENJOYED my fast food meal! So much so, that the next day as I was passing by the Carl’s Jr Plaza, I actually considered stopping to grab something! Just that thought alone is AMAZING - because it would have NEVER ever happened before. And probably for the rest of my life.

Every single challenge, every single day in treatment, it feels like I’m continuously jumping off cliffs. I’m afraid of heights, so imagine the anxiety of standing at the edge of a cliff, getting higher and higher.. And when I’m no longer scared of cliffs, I’m jumping out of a plane. That’s what treatment feels like - confronting your deepest darkest fears every day, multiple times a day.

The UCSD treatment program is centered around DBT therapy. Which stands for dialectical behavior therapy (I think). It was developed by a woman named Marsha Linehan, and this week I started reading her book “Building a Life Worth Living: A Memoir”. It has been fascinating and I highly recommend it! She starts by writing about her early teens, maybe it was her 20s, I forget which, about how she was institutionalized and told by professionals she was beyond help. Doctors told her they tried everything and there was nothing left. Imagine being depressed and suicidal and being told you’re beyond help! DBT, the therapy she developed and now widely used, was actually how she saved her own life!

While she lectures and speaks quite frequently around the world about her methodology, she writes in her memoir about how, as she was preparing to present the same lecture she had given dozens of times before, this was going to be the FIRST time she shared the REAL story about where it all started for her. She writes about how she’s never shared this piece of her story before and I thought OH MY FUCKNG GOD, this was THE MOST POWERFUL PART OF THE ENTIRE STORY! I thought about how connected it makes me feel to her as a human … Not because I’ve ever been institutionalized because I can understand “struggle”. Everyone can. I can’t relate to the depths of her struggle but I can relate to a human who struggled and did everything in her power to get herself back up again. It gave me such a deep appreciation for the therapy and my treatment, in a way I couldn't feel before.

THIS is the power of the messy middle. The part of our individual stories that makes us feel ashamed, embarrassed, and not worthy. Her story, her messy middle she was too ashamed to share professionally, it was the most powerful part! As the reader, it gave me an AHA moment – a feeling of “it’s not only OKAY but NECESSARY to not only share my story, but to pursue my greater mission; To destigmatize the conversations we’re too ashamed to have, that keep us, as a society, isolate and alone, locked in our own mental prisons of struggle.

This is a mission I’ve known was mine for the last five years or so… I first discovered it when I gave myself the “10 day live challenge” on Facebook – Something I do when I’m desperately afraid of something – I give myself a challenge to rip off the Band-aid. Years ago, I was terrified of being on video, so I gave myself a 10 day challenge to go live on Facebook. The number one rule was that I couldn’t prepare or script anything. Scripting and getting it “perfect” was my Achilles’ heel, it kept me stuck and wasting hours and hours of my life trying to be perfect when I speak whether in person or on video. Something I knew would cripple me in business and something I wanted to crack.

One of the 10 days I decided to talk about my Tourette’s. Something I have never talked about or written about in any public setting till then. I followed that with a few posts opening up about my struggle with alcohol. In every instance, I was touched by messages not only of love and support but from people I hadn’t talked to in YEARS (or ever) who too were struggling or felt alone, sharing their stories with me. I felt so honored that they trusted their stories with me. It was then that I realized one of my greater missions in this lifetime would be to facilitate open and loving conversations about really difficult and taboo subjects. My “gifts” to share with the world in order to help others feel unashamed and unalone - My alcoholism, my Tourettes, my depression, my eating disorder, every new gift I discover gives me more opportunity to impact and help others. I knew it then and I believed that everything would unfold organically and that I would have to force nothing.

Sharing my story these last 12 weeks has been nothing short of amazing – In SO many ways! I’ve received so many messages of overwhelming love and support from people far and wide and from all corners of my life. Even strangers sharing their stories with me. It’s been an amazing experience to know that in many cases, I’m one of just a few people on the planet who has heard their stories and struggles. I am so honored – and I want to spread this message – we are NOT alone. Everyone has a story, they’re just too afraid and ashamed to share it. There is great power and even greater relief in knowing we’re not alone – I’ve experienced it first hand.

For weeks now I have been bursting with excitement knowing that I have REALLY important work to do in this world. Connecting so strongly with my purpose - to share my gifts with the world so that that others can stop hiding. This week, I finally reached out to a friend I knew could help me, and I hoped she would connect as strongly with the mission as I have.. Not only has she supported and watched my transformation over years but as a brilliant writer, I knew she could help me bring my story to life as the first step to impacting millions.

We talked for hours and the excitement beaming from both ends of the phone was intense! Knowing I was one real, tangible, and aligned step to bringing my story to life, by WRITING A BOOK (!!!!!!!!) was one of the most incredible feelings I’ve ever felt. It’s the kind of excitement that keeps you awake all hours of the night! I’m prepared and ready to dig into every deep, dark and shameful corner of my life.

So many times as I’m writing I’ve thought, “Evona, this is too much, you really don’t have to share this with the world…“ But it’s my truth. It’s my pain. Sharing it has allowed me, in a very real way, to physically release it. I’ve heard so many people say that writing is cathartic, but until now, I never understood the power of that release.

Yes, I’m ready to dig into EVERY corner of shame. And here’s the part I judge myself about. That little voice in the back of my head – are you sure this is a good idea?? If you’re a business owner, you know how real imposter syndrome is… it can be paralyzing. Sharing EVERYTHING would be outing myself and providing evidence to the world that I AM AN IMPOSTER! My biggest fear. But is it?? I HAVE to believe that the power and connection I feel when others share their stories is true for me to. I have to trust that it’s going to be ok and that it won’t end me.

Here’s the other side of the coin and why I think sharing my story NOW, is different. Every empowering book I’ve read is told from the perspective of looking back… It’s always a comeback story of someone who had nothing or no one, to someone who’s successful, filthy rich, and has created everything they’ve ever desired. Of course these stories are fantastic and inspiring and I’ve read many of them, but it’s hard to relate to a comeback story if your own comeback hasn’t happened yet. The difference for me, is that my comeback hasn’t happened yet – everything is still on its way… My wealth, my success, and all the things I KNOW in my soul I am going to create and bring into this world. The fact that I am still inside the messy middle is a huge part of the shame – I’m nowhere near where I want to be. It’s this part of my story, of our collective stories that as a society are scared to share. And yet this is when we need the most support and understanding. The few times I’m felt close and safe enough with other INCREDIBLE entrepreneurs to share my reality – I’ve been SHOCKED to find that many of them are in the SAME PLACE! And here I thought I was all alone and a failure. I want to break this – in every real and metaphorical way you can think of.

My BIGGEST shame in life… The thing I’m hanging onto the most, and what I’m most ashamed to share with you or ANYONE… is where I am financially. Being a successful business owner is my identity and what I want most in life. Building a successful company, building an incredible team where people feel loved, valued and supported, building a $10 million business … when I tell you I KNOW it will all happen, it’s because it’s the one thing I’m more sure of in this life than anything else. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’m capable, it’s just a matter of getting there. It’s a matter of getting out of my own way and embracing the magic I am capable of creating. But my messy middle and where I am NOW… I don’t want anyone to know. I’m so incredibly ashamed of what my bank account reflects and to tell you the level of government assistance I receive. Everything on paper would tell you I’m poor and unsuccessful… and yet I know the life I live, so many aspects of it, people DREAM of! It’s because I am literally magic – I create impossible outcomes! When I write this book, I’ll share every single piece of this shame, I’ll release it all because when the comeback is coming - and I believe more than ever before that the release is what is required.

MAY 8, 2022: WEEK 11 OF EATING DISORDER TREATMENT COMPLETE!

It’s week 11 and let me just say... I don’t remember what it’s like to live a normal life anymore. I simply cannot imagine a life where I don’t spend my days sitting on leather couches, talking about my thoughts, feelings, and emotions, eating food that scares the living daylights out of me, and thinking of what to eat next, that scares me even more.

This process has been so interesting and exhausting. When I started treatment I was certain that I would become a MASTER of managing my time. I knew that the progression would be attending treatment 10 hours a day, then 6 hours a day, then 4 hours a day, with a 30-60 minute commute each way, 5 days a week… And the optimistic and over-extending me figured that I would use all my “free” time (the little there was) to work on my business, grow the business, work on existing client campaigns, etc. I was excited to figure out a way to DO IT ALL and in the process learn how to manage time MASTERFULLY!

Well - surprise, that’s not even close to what happened. Reality could not be more opposite. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how little energy I would have to do ANYTHING outside of treatment. Nada! And now I’m starting to realize what the hidden lesson, as it relates to “time” can be instead. I’ve hear this from parents a lot – parents say that they learn how to get A LOT done, in a short amount of time. And I’ve definitely found that to be true. I have learned how to make tasks and projects fit into tiny windows of time, 10 minutes here, 10 minutes there, even three minutes sitting in the hallway with my laptop is valuable time!

SO the good news is, I have NOT mastered how to burn myself out (I did that a little over a year ago and couldn't work for 2 months - it’s scary!) Instead, I’m learning how to honor my energy needs, the need to rest, and I’m gaining a DEEP appreciation of time. These days, when I get even an hour of uninterrupted time to work in the morning, I appreciate those 60 minutes so much! More than I ever have before.

Now, I can’t wait for the day that I can begin working ON my business again and have ALL the glorious time to put forth my ideas into the world. I now also know that I don’t need endless hours and hours and hours of work – I don’t need 10-12 hours a day, I just need time that I fully appreciate and devote to something that lights me up! I feel like a completely new person inside and I CANNOT wait for this person to enter her life again!

This week I started the LAST phase of treatment - it’s called “Deep Sea!” – Fun fact, everything is ocean themed, for example, our homerooms are named “Shell” and “Seagrass” and there’s a group room called “Tide Pool” Deep Sea is in a different part of the building and the structure of this level of treatment is meant to prepare you for “the real world.” For example, when we eat dinner in Deep Sea, everything is served buffet style so that we can practice portioning our own meals. Prior to Deep Sea, everything was portioned and plated for us. It sounds like such a minuscule detail but it’s actually a real challenge for people with eating disorders - there’s a fear of portioning. Buffets specifically have always been really challenging for me. I remember Mike talking about how the buffets in Vegas were SO good but we both knew we’d never be able to go to one together. When I’m at a buffet my brain goes into panic mode “I have all this food available. I must enjoy it and eat as much as possible and not overeat at the same time” It’s as if in that moment I go into fight or flight response, as if this is the LAST MEAL I’ll ever eat so I want to eat it all – and at the same time my eating disorder is screaming at me TOO MUCH TOO MUCH!

This week was also my birthday! I dressed up like a disco ball and celebrated with friends – It was absolutely amazing and perfect and wonderful! It was exactly what my soul needed – Relaxing with friends around a table talking and eating.

Before my birthday, I told my therapist that I’d like to drink on my birthday. A little background – ever since attending treatment on February 2, 2022 I stopped drinking alcohol except for one weekend, right before starting trauma treatment. I told my team and talked about it in a group about substances - so everyone knew. I did it before starting trauma therapy because one of the rules is that you can’t use substances while in trauma therapy - which I fully understood and have complied with. I may have mentioned at one point in these “captain’s logs” I'm writing that alcohol has always been a problem of mine… I fell in love with alcohol in college where I drank 5 to 6 days a week, always getting drunk, and what I loved is that I finally felt like I could be ME the REAL ME inside without fear of judgment (thinking back, the only person who was judging me at that time was myself). I loved the freedom of not caring what my body looked like, and not being nervous and critical of myself. Over time, it meant I couldn’t drink without wanting to get wasted and the frequency with which I wanted to drink was… all the time. I always wanted to feel that comfortable.

I was sober for 3 1/2 years before last fall of 2021, when I started to drink again. I’ll do a deep dive into this part of my life in the future, consider this the “spark notes” version for now. I had started drinking again and I noticed certain compulsions coming back - it was annoying and frustrating. I was eager to start treatment because I knew that AS SOON as I entered treatment, every damaging behavior was OFF the table whether it was disordered eating, disordered drinking, overcompensating with exercise – I was entering as a recovered patient and just needed my mind and body to catch up to that!

However when it comes to alcohol, and if I’m honest, when it comes to absolutely everything in my life, I never take the traditional or conventional route. I knew going into treatment and was open and honest with my entire treatment team that my goal with alcohol was not sobriety. That doesn’t mean it won’t be in the future, but right now I am interested in exploring my relationships with food and alcohol, and how everything looks in recovery. Here’s what I told everyone on my team, the theory I want to explore for myself – Food itself has little to do with an eating disorder, that is, food is the VEHICLE for expressing the shit we’re not dealing with inside. So if disordered eating can be treated from the inside out, and eating is something we do every single day, why can’t the same apply to alcohol? The sick Evona who has an eating disorder abuses alcohol. Does the healthy Evona abuse alcohol? I don’t know. And maybe she does, maybe she still abuses alcohol because this is a lifelong struggle that I’ll never make peace with. It’s something I’d like to explore to understand what is right for me.

When expressing that I wanted to drink for my birthday to my therapist, I let her know that at first, I thought about not telling her and just doing it in secret and lying about it. I was afraid of what she would say or that she would tell me I can’t (which I never life to hear) but ultimately, I can’t lie, it goes against my values and what I care about more than anything, my recovery, So I told her. I’ve actually done this several times in treatment, I start by letting the person know that I thought about lying to them first.

And so I told my therapist that I really wanted to drink for my birthday. Her response was brilliant and so relieving, “OK, that’s OK, let’s talk about it.” She gave me a few assignments including a pro/con list of acting on and resisting the urge. I also wrote out a “Cope Ahead” which is a tool we use in treatment to “cope ahead” for any future events and triggers that may be uncomfortable. I also talked about my goals for drinking and my birthday and thought about how they would align with my values. (I am SO clear on my values now!) Finally, I made sure to express my goals and guidelines to my support person Mike, who would be there on my birthday and could step in if he thought I needed support.

I knew my goal was not to get wasted, but to enjoy drinking, be present for my birthday, and enjoy the relationship I had with alcohol that night. And most of all, my number one goal was to NOT wake up with a hangover. I’m happy to report, I succeeded in accomplishing all of my goals! This by no means means much of anything, because it’s just one day… but I consider it an experiment and collection of information that will ultimately help me live the life I want.

When I think about the difference between exploring my relationship with alcohol now, vs ever before, I think about how at no point during the last 20 years of drinking, have I EVER eaten consistently. I delayed eating, severely restricted and vomited every time I was uncomfortable with how I felt about what I ate. Food was just about the most inconsistent thing in my life. I would purposefully drink on an empty stomach - EVERY TIME. In fact, I would not eat for hours prior to drinking, just to have the most “optimal” level of alcohol absorption. I would eat LATE into the night and delay dinner because I knew that when I did start eating, I would stop drinking.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to look at that pattern and notice a problem between my food and alcohol intake. If nothing else, I want to explore a relationship with food and alcohol where I eat consistently, never delay, and never use any of my prior eating disorder behaviors when drinking. And then we’ll see… Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t, who knows - it feels like the aligned path for me.

MAY 1, 2022: WEEK 10 OF EATING DISORDER TREATMENT COMPLETE!

Week 10 is almost over! It’s currently Thursday morning and I’m walking with my little pup Dasher on our daily morning marina walk. These walks with Dasher are adding SO much love, joy, peace and tranquility to my day. Except for when he tries to eat every weird thing on the ground :P I anticipate he’s going to wake up barfing in the morning but that’s OK – he’s cute enough to withstand any struggles – which are minimal beyond minimal.

I’m trying to think back to if anything significant or interesting happened this week, but to be honest the time has really really flown by. The most interesting thing I’ve observed… Is how emotions impact my appetite. I bet without ever knowing it, emotions have been impacting my appetite for decades, but this is the first time I’m in tune and aware of how I feel, what I’m eating and when, my appetite (or lack thereof) and it’s allowed me to notice things I’ve never noticed before. 

The most obvious was this past weekend when I decided to make a phone call I’ve been thinking about and wanting to make for several weeks. My appetite disappeared almost immediately and I was sure I just wasn't hungry, or maybe m body was just not that hungry that day... but it carried over to Sunday and Monday and when I finally talked to my therapist she explained that yes, its absolutely possible there was a correlation and that yes emotions DO impact appetite – BUT – she explained that the meal plan is a prescription. It's not optional - that right now, whether I want to eat or not, I have to follow it. Just like a prescription. THAT – I loved, and it made so much sense to me!

… Fast forward I am writing not from Thursday but from the following Monday and reflecting back on the weekend. Remember when I was struggling to write about anything significant .. WELL - treatment never seizes to surprise me because THIS has been the MOST challenging weekend yet!! In fact, it was the closest I’ve come to throwing in the towel and calling it quits - and it was all because of my weight exposure with my team on Friday.

Truthfully, I hesitate to share this because a part of me knows that while some people will understand the agony that I experienced, I wonder if anyone will judge me for something seemingly “stupid and minimal.” Of course now that I think about it, I shouldn't be surprised, I minimize myself constantly. This weight exposure is something I’ve been both excited for and dreading. Excited because I know how powerful it would be for my recovery and dreading because - holy shit, I’m terrified of the consequences inside my brain and what my eating disorder will do. This was anything BUT minimal.

OK let’s get on with it… As I mentioned before, I have been scared of and avoiding my actual weight, in number form, for many many many many years. In fact, years ago, when Mike and I were living together and given a free scale for our home, I made him throw it out and told him that scales were never ever allowed in our house. The problem is that stepping on a scale and/or simply knowing the number of pounds I weigh, only leads to severe self criticism and judgment. It’s never a positive experience - the eating disorder always wants more! So to protect myself from that, I’ve been avoiding my weight for as long as I can remember – and what that’s done has made me TERRIFIED of knowing my weight! I worry about accidentally finding out and what that’ll do to be - what my eating disorder will tell me I can and can’t eat or how miserable I’ll be to myself as a result.

I told my therapist a while ago that having this fear around numbers is something I want to address in treatment. My motivation is not to start knowing my weight regularly, it’s to not be afraid of it. I don’t want the fear that it will trigger any disordered behaviors in the future. My therapist and I came up with a series of phases to work my way up to knowing the actual number – I mean, it was all her, she’s brilliant! Friday was phase 1 – which included having my dietitian tell me what my recommended weight range was, based on all of the information she has and her expertise.

Prior to meeting with my dietician, my therapist asked me what my distress levels were, on a scale of 0 to 100, for various weight ranges that I might hear. For example, I told her that for 130-140 pounds I would be far less distressed, and for 140 to 150 and then 150 or higher I would be in extreme distress. This is the opinion of my eating disorder - my mentally ill interpretation not based on anything but self criticism and hate. The more we talked, I realized that ANY number would cause me distress because it’s not actually the number, it's the fact that I would know it in the first place. After our conversation, she knew my vulnerability and risk for distress was going to be HIGH going into phase 1.

So when I met with my dietitian, my therapist joined, all three of us sat down to talk about my recommended weight range. I had a lot of anxiety going into the conversation but if I’m being honest, I thought I could handle it because I’d been doing so well in treatment so far. Most of the exposures I entered, even though I thought they were really scary, they turned out to be MUCH easier than anticipated. I was hoping the same would hold true here.

Unfortunately the complete opposite happened! My dietitian told me what my recommended weight range is and I burst into tears. It felt like I had received the worst case scenario news. I sort of blacked out and can’t remember much of any of the conversion – there was such a huge flood of emotions! I started saying everything I was thinking out loud and my therapist kept having to remind me over and over again that this was my eating disorder talking - it was trying to negotiate and make sense of the information and how to fix this “problem”. At one point I said I was angry and then immediately said out loud “No I’m not angry at all actually, I am extremely disappointed.”

It was a flood of emotions, a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness that led to a really challenging weekend. When I went home that day (Friday), I begrudgingly ate dinner – it was the absolute last thing I wanted to do. And without realizing it, I fell asleep before 7 PM because my body was so extremely drained of its energy having just experienced an emotional storm inside.

When I woke up on Saturday, I was angry. I was REALLY angry and fighting against reality, I found myself trying to find ANY loopholes I could so that I didn’t need to stay in the weight range I was told. For the first time, I was fighting FOR the eating disorder and AGAINST recovery. It was the first time in this entire process that I wanted to throw in the towel and I wanted the eating disorder to win because it was THE ONLY WAY! I didn’t want what was true to be true. It’s hard to explain but it felt like I was being forced to “give up”. To give up on everything that I had held to be true, important and real to me - real to my eating disorder. It felt like I was being told to disregard who I am… The woman who fights for what she wants and never quits, the woman who ALWAYS finds a way to get what I want. I WANTED to not weigh ANY number in my “weight range”...

I texted my therapist:

“Without even knowing it I fell asleep right after dinner and didn’t wake up till 130am, just ate breakfast and just feeling like I have to accept and “give up” in a way - just feeling defeated I think :/ and just want to lay on bed all day”

And she replied:

"I know this is a lot of emotion, and that’s expected. The best way to overcome this is to keep focused on your values and recovery. Think about how positive you’ve felt on so many days recently, thinking about your future and what you want to achieve. That is all possible in recovery! And recovery happens by doing the next right thing…. Don’t focus on the whole day. For now, let’s think of what can get you out of bed and feeling better. What about doing your magic morning?"

I texted again:

"Yea I do want to take a walk with Dasher - our marina walk and maybe around shelter island like we did last weekend which was really nice. Magic morning will happen too … it feels like I’m grieving something because who “i am” fights and doesn’t give up - and this requires me to do the opposite - it’s a really strange place to be"

And she replied:

"I’m glad you’re still up for doing all those things that make you feel good! I can imagine it’s a hard place to be. I wonder if we can get you to a place where you see this as fighting for your health and happiness. All things we can discuss in session. For now, I’m glad you’ll be focusing on their things this morning you enjoy!"

She was right - I couldn't receive it at the time - but the ME, and WHO I AM, fights for the BEST and most POSITIVE outcome, and if I could think more clearly that day, it would be obvious that I wasn’t giving up, I was fighting tooth and nail for a healthy future. But my eating disorder RAGED - it was SO threatened, it tried everything in its power to convince me to resist recovery.

I was so convinced that what I “wanted”, was a body size that was less than what I was being prescribed. I “wanted” to fight against it. It felt so counterintuitive NOT to fight against it. This was the first time since starting treatment that I had a lot of trouble distinguishing between my own thoughts and the eating disorder voice. I felt completely helpless to my own situation and how to “fix” it.

I didn’t want to eat ANY meal or ANY snack and as the day progressed I got more and more angry. I texted my therapist, I texted Mike, I texted a friend from the program, I was SO angry that I had to eat – I didn’t want to eat anything! BUT, there was one little piece of me that was willing to fight for recovery - small but loud too. I ate every meal and every snack out of sheer ANGER. I would be 90% sure that I was NOT going to eat and then get really mad and say to myself “FINE! I’ll eat the fucking dinner!” Saying over and over again just how stupid this all was.

The eating disorder is completely illogical and makes NO sense - knowing my weight range SHOULD NOT HAVE CAUSED THIS LEVEL OF DISTRESS (yelling at myself). My dietician had told me a few weeks prior to all of this that my weight from the time I entered treatment till now hadn’t changed much at all!!! It just fluctuated here and there by a pound or two - even though what I was eating and how often, was DRASTICALLY different. AND – I had started to love my life and love my body more than I ever have before.

Later that Saturday I remembered that there was a pair of shorts, actually two pairs of shorts, that I really liked wearing and thought I looked really good in last year. I told myself that if I could just fit into those shorts, I would be OK. In my illogical reasoning, I put EVERYTHING, my entire worth, on whether or not these shorts fit.

So I tried on the shorts. They still fit, but they’re just a little too snug to feel comfortable… and so I spiraled and lost it again. My mind was running 100 miles per minute, twisting all the information. I did some mental gymnastics and tried to figure out a way out of this torture that would make me and the eating disorder happy. (Spoiler - NOT possible - and knowing THAT, was the most frustrating). I was angry at the information and I was angry at how angry I was at the information. Finally, in a fleeting moment of clarity, I asked myself “Evona, are you really going to hinge EVERYTHING on a pair of fucking shorts?? Really?? You think it’s worth it??

Of course when I said it that way, it sounds absolutely ridiculous. It was infuriating because, yes, that's exactly what I was doing, I was giving this pair of shorts THAT MUCH POWER and simultaneously didn’t want to give them that power. I was trapped in my own head. Hours and hours passed and I got so tired of thinking about it that I felt myself slowly settling into “I give up” mode. I wasn’t quite sure it was what I wanted, I couldn’t make sense of anything. I was so exhausted. It’s actually kind of stressful and exhausting just talking about it now. Yikes!

Sunday was better, I still didn’t want to eat but I pushed through because I do want to recover. The intensity of the eating disorder thoughts had settled down a little bit and I was able to recognize and acknowledge that recovery IS the most important thing and that I KNOW that the treatment center knows better than I do.

On Sunday I also started questioning the eating disorder and wanted to poke holes in it, “Didn’t I actually love some of my body?” I thought. What's true and what's a lie?? At one point I decided to stand in front of a full length mirror wearing more or less nothing, because I needed to prove to myself that I didn’t hate my body. As I’m writing this I’m thinking back to the conversation I had in my head – I told myself I would not put this part in writing, but I know it’s something that so many others can relate to, and at the end of the day, that’s important to me. I want to be honest about my experience because it’s the fact that we hide these things in the first place as a society that perpetuates the problem… and we’re stuck living within the chaos of our own minds.

SO… I stood in front of the mirror wearing nothing but a thong and confronted my fear head-on. I wanted to remember that I didn’t hate what I saw and when I DID look – I realized there were so many things that I loved about my body. I looked myself up and down, forward, then backward, and did a little dance… I actually think I’m kind of hot. That’s fun! I wish I could always remember that! The problem is there’s piles and piles and piles of hate clouding my mind on a daily basis!

To make a long story long, I cycled through a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions this weekend going back-and-forth between the eating disorder and recovery, eating disorder and recovery, eating disorder and recovery... what a fucking trip!

APRIL 24, 2022: WEEK 9 OF EATING DISORDER TREATMENT COMPLETE!

Is this week eight? nine? I’m losing track… My therapist recently told me I have ~ eight more weeks left, which means I’ll complete treatment towards the beginning of June! Just hearing “eight weeks” sounds like A LOT of time now. Going into treatment, I knew that it would be months and months long but it’s only now starting to sink in just how long this recovery process is. And the truth is, it's only the beginning, I think. After treatment there’s still years and years of intentional effort and mindful decision making that needs to continue - as well as consistent therapy and support… Although I honestly have no idea what that looks like - I really can’t think any further than a few days ahead, at any given moment right now.

When my psychiatrist prescribed antidepressants and said that she wants to see me to be able to live the FULLEST life possible, that I want to be living, I had absolutely NO idea and couldn’t even imagine how a pill once a day could do that... It seemed IMPOSSIBLE! I’m finally starting to understand how that really can be true. It blows my mind to experience the change in desire to do “simple” things I want to do. Something as "easy" as taking walks in the morning. For SO many years I’ve imagined myself taking morning walks by the water - and yet it's never ever happened consistently or even a distant cousin to consistently.

My apartment is just a couple of MINUTES walking distance from the most gorgeous marina - It's beautiful and even though I’ve lived here for over a year now, I barely see it! It's insane considering how much I love it and how much joy it brings me.

But, there’s always been some block between my wanting to get out of the house to take a walk, for example, and actually doing it. And now, it seems as if by magic, that block is becoming non-existent! I’ve spent 2 weeks taking daily walks with Dasher on the marina - starting my day off with such joy, peace, and happiness and now look forward to it each and every morning - just like I’ve always imagined! How crazy and wonderful!

I told my therapist the other day, “I had an epiphany this week!” Her response was “I love it when you have epiphanies!” … which is often I find myself connecting previously disconnected dots often these days.

I was thinking about what eating REALLY means to me. And what each and EVERY single bite of food represents. I realized that every decision to eat a piece of food that either makes me uncomfortable, scares me or induces anxiety is me ACTIVELY practicing making decisions from strength and courage instead of fear. How cool is that?!

I started thinking about the bigger picture and how this relates to my life at large and realized that every bite of food, every fear exposure, every time I eat something that I'm scared to eat, is the same as having a sales call and asking the questions I'm scared to ask, or asking for the sale. It's having boundaries and self respect and it's doing the things in life that scares me - it's an active practice of that – that I am convinced will translate directly.

Every bite is me being able to be bold, believe in myself, and choose not to stay small and quiet. Every uncomfortable meal is a new client, is more revenue, is business growth, is living the life and vision that I desire in ALL aspects.

Why?? Because for my whole life, and especially the last 2 decades with an eating disorder, I think of food EVERY day, multiple times a day, which means I've been making thousands and thousands and thousands of decisions and taking action from a place of FEAR - daily. Of course that bleeds into every other aspect of my life whether it’s business, relationships, etc... it can’t NOT impact everything I do. I've trained myself and made a habit of practicing taking action based on FEAR. It's incredible to think about how significant each and every small bite of food actually is and what it means for my future.

Recovery is a constant practice in not doing things out of fear.

Understanding the science of food and actively challenging eating disorder thoughts and behaviors are the two things that have helped me the most in recovery. One of the struggles I still have, however, is refueling. In treatment, we learn about refueling, which means after you exercise (what we call movement) we need to refuel with additional food, beyond what we'd normally eat that day. And I've definitely not been doing it.

In the movement process group, which is a group where we process our thoughts, feelings, emotions and concerns about movement/exercise, I brought up that I don’t really understand refueling - and because it doesn’t make sense to me in a way I can buy into, I haven’t done it. I wanted support and that would help me reframe – so I wouldn't resist it so much. The problem is that the science behind refueling doesn’t really do it for me - as one of the patients said: "I already know that my body will function without it, so I don’t feel like it’s that important." And I agree.

However, throughout our conversation in group, what DID finally do it for me was admitting that my underlying reason for avoiding the refuel, is my eating disorder thoughts. My eating disorder doesn't want me to eat more. It wants to capitalize on the exercise and the potential of changing the size and shape of my body. So now I can think of refueling as actively challenging my eating disorder thoughts and practice living from a place of recovery rather than fear. And THAT is compelling enough to try. I haven’t actually done any movement since that process group, so I haven't yet tried it, but it's definitely something I need to keep as a priority when I do.

This week I finally tackled my fear of nutrition labels - and was shocked and relieved to realize that very quickly, it wasn’t THAT BAD! I sat down with my dietitian and some snacks we pulled from the dining room – I chose some things that I’m afraid of and some that I don’t plan on eating so that I had a range. One by one we flipped them over and talked about what we saw. Turns out, I learned something I never knew about nutrition labels which kind of destroyed any and all fear - it was CRAZY!

Understanding the science of food has been so impactful to my recovery – learning that a carbohydrate and a sugar are the exact same thing blew my mind. Understanding that eating a donut for breakfast (which I now LOVE!) is the exact same as eating something society deems "healthy" like a sandwich with an apple. It's changed my world just knowing how the body works and responds to food. In the past, looking at a nutrition label, the part that scared me the most, was looking at how many grams of sugar there were. My dietitian asked me what number of grams scared me and as I thought about – I told her it was literally ANY number. But now, I understand that sugar and cards are the same thing (did anyone else know sugar is a subcategory of carbs?? WHAT!?) ...it took less than five minutes for me to completely dismantle my fear of nutrition labels… I can’t fucking believe it!

This week after forgetting my offshore lunch the past two weeks I finally brought in my own lunch to eat on Wed at treatment. Offshore lunch means we bring something in, of our choosing, to eat for lunch. When I realized it was an opportunity to practice a fear food, I went straight in for the kill. Something I had associated with "Fuck NO! You’re never eating this that!" For as long as I can remember... My living nightmare – frozen mac & cheese. And you know what, not only was it not as bad as I imagined (anxiety wise), I fucking crushed it! The thing is, it’s not about the mac & cheese per say. I mean it is, but it also isn’t. It’s the freedom of eating something and not experiencing an overwhelming, all consuming anxiety. An anxiety that in the past would have anchored itself in my brain and ruined the rest of my day.

Last but certainly not least is an update on trauma therapy. Each week I meet with my therapist two times - once for the "normal" therapy to address whatever is going on, challenges with eating disorder thoughts etc, and the second specifically for trauma therapy. This trauma therapy protocol was initially developed for sexual assault victims and PTSD treatment – and is now used for all sorts of trauma triggers. My trauma is what my therapist calls "chronic invalidation", and to be honest, just putting a name to something I previously thought was just something that's wrong with me, is SO relieving! Just like saying that I have an eating disorder, it puts distance between who I am and the disease. It separates me and my worth from the disease. Same thing for the trauma – knowing that there’s a rhyme and reason to what I have always just associated as a problem with who I am - is powerful in and of itself. Starting to believe that there’s not something inherently wrong with me.

Every week I have homework. The very first step was for me to choose one event that has significantly impacted my life and hand write a first hand account of the event in as much detail as possible. This event, it's actually something that happened a few years ago, something that really changed a lot of things for me. It was so awful that as I was writing and reading it to my therapist, I realized I had completely disassociated any emotion from it. I built up a massive wall between me and the event that prevented me from feeling any of the feelings. I can’t imagine my body being able to withstand the emotions it would have had to if I didn't - both during and after. After reading the account to my therapist, she said, in a surprising way, "This is the most unemotional I’ve ever seen you." – Which is extremely rare because I am a very emotional person and I never shy away from showing my feelings. But in this case, she was right – Not an ounce of emotion as I was recounting what I consider to be a horrible and traumatic event. To put it into perspective, and how the event impacted me – I vowed after that day to never come back and stay at home in Buffalo. Never again. I haven’t been back since, and it terrifies me to go back. However, I do believe this can change and I believe it will change – at least I am very hopeful. In parallel, a small piece of me wonders, what if it doesn’t work for me?

I have approximately eight weeks of treatment left, which sounds crazy. It feels like it’s already been 10,000 years. 8 weeks seems like a lifetime! It's exhausting and unsurprisingly, I'm experiencing a bit of treatment fatigue – Which is apparently very normal!