Part 5. How to Help Others (If They Want It) Once You Helped Yourself?

After years of self-improvement, goal-setting, and generally getting your act together, it’s natural to start looking beyond yourself. You’ve faced your crises, sorted your priorities, and learned to anticipate burnout before it knocks you flat. Life’s going well, but there’s a new urge creeping in—the need to extend a hand to those around you. It feels like a rite of passage; you’re stable, but now friends, family, and colleagues seem a little stuck. They ask for advice, for help, and here’s where you realize: helping others is nothing like helping yourself.

Abraham Maslow’s famous hierarchy suggests that people first need to meet their own basic needs—food, safety, belonging—before they can even think about helping others. It’s survival 101. Once we feel secure in our own lives, only then do we become capable of reaching out. But as tempting as it might be to leap into someone else’s problems, you need to understand when—and how—to help without stepping on toes.

The Art of “Being Present” (It’s More Than Just Showing Up)

If you want to help someone, there’s one thing more important than giving advice or solving their problems: being present. Now, what does that mean, exactly? It’s not just about being physically in the room. It’s about paying attention. Studies on mindfulness show that being fully attentive when someone speaks—not distracted by your phone or your own thoughts—builds stronger relationships and makes others feel genuinely supported. When you’re present, you aren’t rushing to offer solutions or judgments. You’re just there, actively listening, creating a space where the other person feels heard. This type of presence activates what psychologists call “empathic attunement”—that deep connection where someone feels truly understood.

Helping isn’t about having the best answers; it’s about making people feel like they have the room to express themselves without judgment. When you’re present, you create that space. This idea has roots in the work of Carl Rogers, a pioneer in humanistic psychology, who emphasized the importance of unconditional positive regard—simply being there for someone, without an agenda, can be a game-changer.

Respecting Personal Space: When Help Feels Like a Hug—Or a Stranglehold

Helping someone is about empathy, sure, but also about knowing when not to help. There’s a fine line between support and overstepping. Picture trying to give someone a hug while they’re drowning. Spoiler: you both go under.

Here’s something I’ve learned the hard way: just because you want to help doesn’t mean the other person is ready to accept it. Personal space isn’t just physical—it’s emotional. Some people need time to process their problems alone before they’re ready for advice. When you bulldoze into their lives with well-meaning solutions, you might actually be causing harm: “emotional trespassing.” You’re crossing a boundary without realizing it. Neuroscientific research supports the idea that our brains are wired to protect our emotional boundaries. We respond negatively when we feel our autonomy is threatened, even if someone’s intentions are good. If you notice people pulling back, it might be time to ask: “Do they want my help, or do they just need space?”

The Philosophy of Promises: Why Keeping Your Word Matters

Here’s where things get a bit more philosophical. If you promise to help someone, follow through. It’s not just a matter of etiquette—keeping promises builds trust, and trust is the glue of all relationships.

Immanuel Kant, the philosopher famous for his moral theory of the categorical imperative, believed that keeping promises was an ethical duty. According to Kant, we should only act in ways we would want everyone to act—meaning, if you make a promise, breaking it is not only rude, it’s morally wrong. This applies even in the small stuff. Breaking your word erodes trust and creates cracks in the relationship that can be hard to repair.

Psychological studies agree: keeping promises strengthens social bonds. Research from Harvard Business School shows that consistency, even with small commitments, signals reliability and trust and builds deeper connections. So, before you offer help, make sure you’re ready to follow through. If you say you'll be there, be there. It’s not about grand gestures; it’s about being someone others can depend on.

At the same time, helping others can be tricky. You both want to be generous and you don’t want to get taken advantage of. Helping others is noble, but without setting boundaries, you can quickly slide from being supportive to feeling used. This delicate balance between offering help and maintaining self-respect starts with one essential rule: don’t confuse kindness with self-neglect. To navigate this, look for signs of dependency. Are they asking for help with the same issue repeatedly, with no effort to change their situation? It’s worth having an honest conversation about it. Make it clear that you’re there to support, but you’re not there to solve everything for them.

Connection, Compassion, and the Bigger Picture

So, why does helping others matter in the grand scheme of things? In a way, helping others ties back to everything you’ve worked through so far in your own journey. When you’ve clarified your vision, prioritized what matters, and learned to avoid burnout, you’ve essentially tuned yourself to the bigger picture. Helping others is part of that picture, but it’s also a reflection of the life you’ve built for yourself.

Helping others aligns with that broader idea of purpose. It’s not about gaining validation or feeling important—it’s about using your own growth to lift others, while still maintaining your own balance. You’re not a martyr, but you’re also not isolated in your own little bubble. This ties into the idea of reciprocity I touched on earlier: the energy you put out into the world comes back to you.

The Dance of Purpose and Connection

If we pull the threads from each part of this journey, life isn’t about mastering one thing or another. It’s a dance—a give and take between finding your own path and helping others along theirs. Aristotle once said that humans are “social animals,” and he was right. No matter how independent we become, we’re still wired for connection. Helping others, if done with intention and balance, isn’t a burden—it’s the way we build a more connected, meaningful life.

So, here’s the big takeaway: once you’ve helped yourself, you’ll find that helping others becomes less about obligation and more about purpose. It’s about realizing that the work you’ve done on yourself has prepared you to show up for others. Not to save them, but to support them as they grow. And in that process, you’ll find that life isn’t about the end goals or the individual triumphs—it’s about the connections we build along the way.