[part one] The Perils of Ambivalence

A couple of years ago, I did something I’ve never done before.

As a part of the Life Mastery Program I was teaching I asked students to create their own silent retreat; where they were not to speak to anyone or use technology for 24 hours. 

And I created one for myself.

I admit, I was very curious and intrigued.

Although it was not a long adventure, I cannot begin to describe how amazed I was at the outcome of withdrawing from the world.

 It was only a couple of days but the experience had a profoundly peaceful effect on my body, mind, soul and well-being.

The biggest surprise for me was how relaxed and rested I felt.

My mind slowed down from the dizzying pace it often maintains, I experienced inner peace and calmness like I never felt before.

Even though it was a memorable experience I am always wildly ambivalent about giving myself this simple yet precious gift of silence and stillness.

Why do I deprive myself of the very things I know will feed my soul?

I am able to take action on so many fronts – keeping plates spinning in my home and family life, in my business, on the sports leagues that I enjoy playing, and yet, when it comes to my own sustenance and nurturing, I am too often met with the peril of ambivalence, doubt and hesitation.

Three Pitfalls of Ambivalence that Can Cost You Dearly

The first peril of living in ambivalence rather than action is the false belief that we don’t know “how” to do something and therefore we simply do nothing.

Not knowing how – as if there is some perfect prescribed method to do everything under the sun – is more often a dressed-up way of saying, “I’m not really sure about this.” 

We mask our fear, uncertainty and our need for predictability through the guise of not knowing.

It is only when we are finally compelled to act that we feel the blessed relief and excitement of living a life that counts.

And ironically, it is the energy of our actions that will guide us.

There is magic in the faith to do something – anything – even if it is “the wrong thing.” 

Look to see where you are hiding behind the “how” when it is truly the fear of the “what” that has you stopped.

The second peril is similar to the first, it is the guise of “I can’t.”

This one, when truly expressed is a dressed-up way of saying, “I won’t.”

I won’t because I am afraid. 

I won’t because I need more certainty. 

I won’t because I am afraid to fail.

So, rather than admitting the fear and giving up the need for control we often revert to the “victim’s stance” of “I can’t do that.”

Of course, that is not true.

You are free and have the power of choice. And you can do more than you think, take my word for it.

Look to see where you are saying, “I can’t” and examine when it is an expression of fear of the outcome, fear of making a decision, fear of moving forward or your fear that it will be harder than you anticipate.

The third peril of ambivalence is that it masks the truth that remaining in ambivalence is saying “no” to what you long to pursue.

Ambivalence allows you the comfort of living in “I might” or “someday” while denying the truth that not deciding is a decision!

Not deciding about getting married means you are not going to get married. 

Not deciding to move to a new city means you are not moving.

The difference is that when you live in ambivalence, it can feel like you are moving toward your goal, but the hard truth is that you are not; you are mentalizing.

I don’t know if that is a word, but I like the way it fits here – it means you are engaged in a mental activity about your life rather than truly living your life.

I know these three perils all too well.

 They kept me from giving myself this gift of time in the silence to read, rest, meditate, vision and pray.

Once I got over my concern of leaving my family for a bit, gave up that I couldn’t figure out how to get away, stopped living in “I should get away” and made a decision to go, made a decision to take action, I was able to enjoy these glorious benefits of a deeper and richer inner life.

Look to see where you are being held in bondage – to yourself and by yourself – through the perils of ambivalence.

And get into action.

There is more on the topic and I promise you, you don't want to stop here. 

You can read the second part here where we will be addressing the degree ambivalence is masking deeper questions and concerns about ourselves, our lives, our capabilities and even our faith and relationship with God.

And thank you for reading this.