On Paying Attention and Caring – Reflections on Silence

“Considering that in conversation knowledge was obtained rather by the use of the ears than of the tongue, I gave Silence second place among the virtues I determined to cultivate.” – Benjamin Franklin

As the old song goes, ‘Silence is Golden’, or at least it is for some. For others, even 10 seconds of silence can feel threatening. I’ve learned to be very at ease with it, whether in business or social situations. It allows me to nurture my observational and listening skills as I seek to draw out the best in others.

A recent conversation reminded me of the many ways in which silence can be so revealing. When we use it in negotiations and sales, and remain calm and relaxed, it can either lower or raise tension. It can persuade clients or counterparts to speak, and often reveal what they’re really thinking or feeling.

"There is a voice that doesn't use words. Listen." - Rumi

It also gives us time to reflect on whatever is being proposed, and even a few seconds of silent reflection can be priceless. But I’ve also been thinking about those situations, either in our business or personal lives, where silence is an indication that something is amiss.

It’s no exaggeration to say we now have a global pandemic of loneliness. There are a great many who ‘communicate’ primarily through texting, emojis, or social media posts. Each of those options can offer a very false and one-dimensional impression of how someone is feeling. I’m not the only one who has had private conversations with people who are really struggling, while presenting a public image of glowing success.

In that recent conversation we touched on the situation of carers. Picture the scenario. You’ve been caring for someone who has been debilitated for some time, with no likelihood of significant improvement. Being a carer requires huge commitment, and sometimes you feel physically, mentally and emotionally drained. In that state it’s understandable how easy it is to miss key signs of deterioration. As a rule, unless we’re really alert, we see and hear what we expect to see and hear. We become accustomed to our charge’s habits and patterns, and may not notice subtly changes. Whether we’re dealing with older people or young children, there’s a temptation to use the TV, video, or video games to occupy them. We may not notice them becoming withdrawn.

"Listening is not a skill, it's a discipline." - Peter Drucker

In China today, the term ‘lying flat’ has become familiar. It refers particularly to college graduates unable to find fulfilling jobs, and returning to the parental home. They spend their days lying flat in bed playing video games. However, it’s not just in China that young people can withdraw to their rooms. Obviously for some it’s about downtime to relax and switch off. Others, though simply withdraw, and their silence – as in not speaking – can be indicative of deep inner pain and suffering.

"Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person...You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her empty their heart." - Thich Nhat Hanh

In a business context, where we have, or are part of, a team, how aware are we when a colleague is struggling? If we are aware, are there resources in place to provide help and support? In an ideal world, every business would ensure those resources are available when starting, whether on- or offsite. However, we don’t live in an ideal world, and too often we’re so absorbed in our own minds and tasks that we’re oblivious to those around us.

Here are some practical tips to help us recognize signs of suffering - being clear we also need to have supports in place to help with our own:-

1)    Subdued posture, when they would normally be more upright. If they start adopting a

foetal position do check what’s going on.

2)    Eyes losing their brightness. Whether or not they’re windows to the soul, the eyes

reveal so much about how someone is really feeling.

3)    Tone of voice becoming flat, and rhythm of speech less animated – especially around

favourite topics. If you're not sure - and assuming it's practical - meet or bring them for

tea/coffee etc and chat about their favourite music/movies/sport.

4)    Sustained silence and unwillingness to engage. Yes, that’s not unusual with teenagers,

but it’s still advisable to check – but don’t prod. Timing is important here, and here

again, it’s often best to check in when out of the regular environment.

5) Lack of appetite - or increased appetite - for favourite foods, especially treats.

There are many more signs to look out for, but some of the above are frequently missed in our busyness.

One final image to remind us to cherish the people around us, whether or not we like them. They may be putting on a grumpy, or brave face to hide their pain.

Thank you for reading. If you need support please reach out to someone around you.