#PositiveVibes - Focus in Hardship

By John R. Nocero & Sandy Abell

The VIBE: Find something that grounds you when things get hard.

John: Since September 2017, my wife and I moved to Durham, NC; I started a new job and got promoted three times (moving twice within the health system in the process); had multiple work partners, moved houses twice, lost one of our animals, dealt with multiple health crises from Kelly’s parents, my son graduated high school and moved on to college, had a couple health scares myself, let’s see did I forget anything? I am sure I left out a couple myriad of other day to day changes that can keep one from losing their grip on the day to day norm. Usually that much change for anyone can be difficult to endure, much less thrive under.

Since that time I have maintained my health and fitness routine to the best of my ability possible. I did calisthenics, went to weights, moved back to calisthenics and now I have added yoga into the practice, which I absolutely love. I have found that for me, my fitness routine creates the basic structure of my life. It is there every day and grounds me. Since it creates my structure, I have learned to put that same effort into work and relationships – while being as peaceful and centered as possible. I have done both gain and maintain, which to me is a gain. It is about keeping as much momentum as I can. I am not in the gym 2 hours a day 7 days a week, but as I get older, I am there every day without fail. Changing the focus to maintenance as gaining is healthy, because maintaining what you already have is the most important during low times (when you have a major health problem, your wife leaves you and you lose your job) because once you get back on two feet you can pick up right where you left off and continue making progress.

Sandy, How do you advise keeping focused during times of great change, and do you believe in the mindset that maintaining is gaining?

 Sandy: Wow John, you’ve had a lot of change in the past couple years! Your intention to stay focused is great, and seems to be working well for you.

 It’s important for people to understand that sometimes when we go through a major change, our ability to stay focused gets more difficult. Part of the grief process (which we experience when there is a change) is that our brain gets fuzzy, we feel depressed, and focusing is tough. That’s where doing physical things such as you did can be powerful.

 One thing that a lot of people don’t know is that when we experience a major life change or transition, we go through the grief process.

 A transition can be defined as anything that temporarily or permanently disrupts your normal routine and creates change in your life. It can be either positive or negative, something you have worked to achieve or something over which you have no control.

 An important aspect of this process involves letting go and grieving for what was, and acknowledging the losses. Also staying busy and focused if you can, as you have done.

 There are several steps to the change/grief process, and many ways to deal with it.  Here are a few:

 1)            RECOGNIZE ALL OF THE LOSSES

Even in the obvious loss situation a person loses more than just one thing. When there is a death of a loved one, an individual not only loses the presence of the deceased, but also the future they were planning, the security of having that person there, the everyday interaction, and the dream of “happily ever after”.

 In the not-so-obvious- loss situation many things can also be lost. For example, the selling of the family car can spur feelings of grief. In this situation you are not only losing a known quantity, but are also letting go of something that has been an integral part of your family. This vehicle probably played a part in many memories, both positive and negative, that form the history of your family. It provided transportation when you brought your first child home from the hospital, when you got your puppy, that wonderful trip the coast, etc. No matter how small, it has become part of who you are, and it’s loss will make some kind of impact.

 2)            BE WITH THE FEELINGS

It’s OK to feel anger, frustration, guilt, anxiety, pain, depression and anything else that may come up. IT IS NORMAL, and is a sign that you are able to respond to life’s experiences. Although shock/denial is part of the process, try not to deny or cover over your feelings for a long period of time --- this hinders the healing process. Be with the feelings, whatever they are, so the growth process can begin.

 3)            THE SUPPORT OF OTHERS

Since loss is part of living, everyone experiences it at some time. The task is to help yourself make the journey from immediate loss to eventual gain as rapidly, smoothly, and comfortably as possible. This is done by finding whatever support you need, and being willing to look at and talk about the change and your feelings about it. If you are helping someone who is grieving, you can be supportive by listening, and not being afraid to mention their loss for fear of reminding them about it. You can rest assured that it is probably very much in their mind, and they will welcome the opportunity to verbalize their thoughts. It is not necessary, or even desirable, to offer solutions or platitudes. Simply “being there” and accepting the feelings gives the needed support. If you are grieving, find someone, or a support group, who can provide this vital role for you.

 4)            LOSING IS NOT FAILING

Regardless of the loss, your self-confidence suffers a jolt. The person’s thoughts are filled with feelings of guilt, worry, inadequacy, anger and self-depreciation. These thoughts are all symptoms of the grief process. Some people tend to punish themselves with “if only” statements (if only I had/hadn’t done this or that this thing wouldn’t have happened and I wouldn’t have to deal with it or be in this emotional state now).

 5)            THE END

Yes, there is an end to each loss situation. If it is a major transition or huge loss, you may never forget. However, you will eventually come to a place of acceptance and be able to get on with your life. If it is a smaller loss, the entire process may take a very short time. Each person will do it in his/her own time and own way. It’s important to remember there is no right way to grieve. Whatever the feelings are, and however long it takes, is right for each person. Just remember time does heal and there will be an end to the pain and suffering.

 6)            IT TAKES TIME

Even though we know intellectually that there will be an end to the intense feelings, the individual and people around him/her may get so tired of the pain, anxiety, inconsistencies and mental confusion that they try to rush the process. HEALING TAKES TIME! It’s important to allow each person his/her own time.

 7)            THE ROLLER COASTER EFFECT

The process of moving through the stages of loss is not a smooth one. It is like riding a roller coaster --- up and down, fast and slow, around and around. The individual and the people around the individual need to know there will be inconsistencies in the emotions and behavior. The person often has no control over whatever s/he is feeling at any time. These changes take place in a matter of minutes, hours or days. Just know that the grieving person will eventually get off the roller coaster and return to a smoother, straighter, calmer ride.

I have a free one-page chart that outlines the steps in the grief process, and will be happy to send it to anyone who would like one. This chart will help people understand what to expect when they are grieving. If you would like it, just send me an email at Sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put Grief Process in the subject line, and I’ll send it right out.

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