The Practice of Conscious Uncoupling

You may have heard the phrase “conscious uncoupling”, popularized by Gwenyth Paltrow in her 2014 divorce from Chris Martin. While the expression may seem “goopy”, conscious uncoupling offers real benefits to divorcing partners who need to continue to operate as a partnership to some degree, often for the benefit of children. 

What is conscious uncoupling? In short, conscious uncoupling is an approach to divorce, revolving around mutual accountability and acceptance of the separation. Katherine Woodward Thomas, a licensed marriage and family therapist and creator of this approach, presents conscious uncoupling in five steps that we’ve adapted slightly below:

Emotional Awareness

The period following a breakup is always a difficult time. During this phase it is important to begin to mindfully observe and identify your feelings. Being able to harness these emotions will create the opportunity to turn the negative emotions into positive actions.

Keeping your emotions in check will also prepare you to make reasoned decisions in the divorce process. This is particularly important when children are involved. Parents often conflate their anger toward their partner with what’s best for their child. Identifying your trigger points in real time can be the difference between an amicable divorce and a “barn burner.”

Let It Go

It is common to struggle with rumination following a breakup. During this phase it is important to identify, and let go of the blame and obsession. Thoughtfully taking responsibility for your part while also redefining yourself as an individual will allow you to reclaim your power and your life.

Also, be aware that a divorce court is not a venue for revenge. Most states have enacted no-fault divorce statutes because the courts don’t even want to get involved in the issue of fault, unless it impacts the wellness of children or finances. 

Break the Pattern

Now is the time to identify previous experiences which may be influencing your core narratives. These experiences may reach as far back as childhood, or could be recent, self-established mythologies. By identifying these experiences you allow yourself to break these patterns and create healthier future relationships.

When children are involved, we don’t want to pass down our own trauma responses and patterns to our kids. They observe and absorb more than we know and when parents divorce, children get scared. This is the time to break the patterns for yourself, and for future generations. 

Embrace the Transition

This phase is the time to begin to move on from the past. Try to view your former partnership in terms of the things you gained and learned from it, rather than what you have lost. This will set you on the path toward your new, healthy life. 

When our clients reach the point of looking forward and never turning back - that’s when we know that they’re going to be ok. This can happen at any point on the spectrum of divorce, but the sooner we get to this point, the better.

Paint a New Portrait

Once you are focused on your future, you are ready to reinvent your life. You will find that details of your life, large and small, now need to be redefined in the absence of your partner. How will you take advantage of this unique opportunity to choose new details?

The answers to those questions are different for everyone. It’s important you surround yourself with the people and professionals who understand that your situation is not solved with a “one size fits all” solution. 

At Artese Zandri, we have extensive expertise in family law, including the process of separation and divorce. If you or someone you know is considering a divorce, reach out to us for a complimentary consultation at consultation@artesezandri.com.