Purpose, Wellbeing, and Achievement

I'm delighted to share with you matters close to my heart, ideas that I find stimulating, and some practical tips and leads that you might find useful. At the core, of course, you’ll find emotional intelligence. But my interests also go far beyond; you’ll get a taste of that range here. PLUS news you can put to use in your life or work – or in both. Please join me each month.

Let's dive in...

Being Truly Happy

There’s a difference between the kind of happiness that depends on what happens to us in a day and a sense of wellbeing that comes from within. The first can easily take a dive whenever there’s adversity – and in this time of lockdown and recession, bad things happen.  The second offers a sort of inoculation against these ups and downs. A Tibetan friend calls it being “happy for no reason.”

This difference came up when I talked with Richard Davidson, a neuroscientist at the Univesity of Wisconsin, and one of my oldest friends. Richie, as everyone calls him, has always been one of the most upbeat people I know. So I was delighted to talk with him for my new podcast, First Person Plural.

Wellbeing can be cultivated, he told me. There are four pillars:

• Awareness, knowing what’s happening in your own mind, or “meta-awareness”. Research at Harvard found that people’s minds are wandering almost 50% of the time. Meta-awareness lets us notice when our mind is wandering and bring it back to what’s important right now.
• Connection, having nourishing relationships. Loneliness is pandemic these days, and it’s not helped by living in lockdown. Our own kindness and empathy helps build relationships that nourish us.
• Insight, or knowing the stories about ourselves in the voice in our heads – that stream of thought that’s going on from the moment we wake up to the minute we fall asleep. The ones that get us down are negative self-talk, like the belief “I’m no good at anything,” or “no one loves me.” Those lead to depression. More positive beliefs lead to health, both mental and physical.
• Purpose, being motivated by a sense of meaning that’s larger than mere self-interest. If we find purpose in helping people or some goal toward a greater good, it gives us a sense of wellbeing no matter what else may happen. The question: can we make actions from such purpose a greater part of our day?

The good news: all of these qualities can be boosted. Richie’s group, Healthy Minds Innovations, has a free app for this.

Next up...

Love and Leadership

I’ve often said empathy comes in three varieties – cognitive, emotional, and empathic concern. Of these three concern for others may be the least well-known, but perhaps the most important for leaders (not to mention spouses, parents, teachers, and friends, to name a few). Empathic concern spawns warmheartedness, spontaneous feelings of positivity and kindness toward other people,

Empathy, in general, makes people who receive it feel seen, giving them the sense that they matter; that how they feel makes a difference to the empathizer.

For a leader this quality of warmth in a relationship stems in part from a positive outlook – seeing the other person as capable of being their best, and learning to be even better.  And when it comes to the leadership competence of acting as a coach or mentor, this outlook is essential.

Empathic concern, you may remember, rests in brain circuits for a parent’s love for a child – the mammalian caretaking circuitry.  Love and leadership are not usually put together. But there are aspects of parental love that make leaders all the more effective.

Gary Burnison, CEO of Korn Ferry, recalls this sense of being deeply affirmed: "As a member of our board, who mentored me in my early days as a CEO, once told me: “I don’t just want you to be successful—I am going to ensure that you are successful.” In those words, he told me he was invested in me."

Burnison notes that this kind of deep affirmation makes the other person feel valued, far more than a ritualistic, but empty, “good job”. And this deeper, warm link creates a strong bond between people, one that strengthens the credibility of the leader. This, Burnison adds, builds “the most powerful way to change minds and win hearts.” And, he adds, while intellect leads to smart strategy and courage lets you live your values, “the heart matters most. Our words and actions must signal to others that we really do care enough to notice—to see them for who they really are.”

If you have to make a choice between love and money, there may be a floor for money – you need a certain level to cover your monthly nut. But there’s no ceiling for love – you can never get too much. 

When it comes to leadership, as Burnison puts it, “Money can rent loyalty, but it can’t buy it.” Messages from a leader that tell someone, “I value you, you matter,” mean that person feels loved.  Leading from the heart demands this.

The one question to ask yourself after every interaction: Did I leave that person feeling better than before?

Next up...

Competence of the Month: Achieve

Each month, I cover one of the twelve emotional intelligence competencies. This month: Achievement Orientation. I’ve asked Elizabeth Solomon to share how coaches like her use emotional intelligence tools with their clients.

Here is a clip from her most recent article, Achieve: The Emotional Intelligence to Make Things Happen

Achieve: The Emotional Intelligence to Make Things Happen

My grandfather was an accomplished lawyer. A criminal defender and civil litigator, he fought for his clients up until the day he died—people he believed innocent or unfairly punished for their mistakes. 

I never knew him, but I grew up hearing stories and through them, I developed a deep sense of connection to him and his life. My family talked about how hard he worked, how loving he was, and how much he gave to his profession. They talked about his heart and determination—how deeply he cared about his purpose and how tirelessly he worked to serve it.  

Like my grandfather, my father also went to law school. Only he didn’t go because he wanted to be a lawyer, he went because he felt pressured to be as accomplished as his own dad.

Many of the leaders I coach are high achievers— they have worked their way up the ladder and find themselves at a crossroads.

Some of them have lost sight of their purpose. Others have prioritized achievement over their own well-being. Some can’t seem to align their own goals with the goals of their team. And others find that the drive to achieve compromises their emotional balance. 

The first step in coaching is to understand the drive to achieve and how it shows up in our lives. This includes understanding how the western world rewards hustling and being “first” or at “the top of your game.”

Where does our drive to achieve come from?

In Daniel Goleman’s framework of Emotional Intelligence, Achievement Orientation is the drive to succeed at our goals. One of four self-management competencies, it refers to the ability to set meaningful and important milestones for ourselves— to take risks, embrace challenges and stay consistent in our efforts to do what is important to us. 

When we are competent in Achievement Orientation, we:

• Set measurable but challenging goals for ourselves and those we lead;
• Draw from our values and our sense of purpose in order to do the things that matter to us;
• Persevere in the face of discomfort;
• Have faith, hope, and confidence in our ability to make things happen;
• Commit to meeting and overcoming challenges;
• Continually seek feedback in order to improve.

Achievement Orientation isn’t just about getting things done for the sake of getting things done— it’s about cultivating clarity, determination, and resilience in order to meet our larger objectives. 

{For the full post, which includes tips for building this competency on your own and through coaching, go here. }

by Elizabeth Solomon

You may also want to check out these primers on the twelve competencies of Emotional Intelligence.

Next Up...

I Recommend

Purpose: A Light in the Dark, our most recent episode of First Person Plural: Emotional Intelligence and Beyond where we explore the topic of purpose and wellbeing.

• This App, from The Center for Healthy Minds. Pod-cast style lessons & seated and active meditations to strengthen the four pillars of wellbeing: Awareness, Insight, Connection, and Purpose.

• The Hidden Fountain of Youth: How purpose may lead to a longer life. Read an article I wrote on purpose and wellbeing for Korn Ferry last year.

To close...

A conversation with Greg Massey, CEO of First United Bank, where we discuss the importance of senior leaders modeling effective and inspiring behaviors. Mr. Massey shares details about the creation of awareness and norms linked to increased employee trust, engagement, and performance. First United operates in Texas and Oklahoma and grew 30% during 2020 to become a $10.4 Billion Bank.