Putting myself out there

I haven’t worked at Bird for 3 years and 2 months like my Linkedin profile says.

It’s not that I’m lying on my profile; I definitely was employed by Bird for 3 years and 2 months but I spent the last 13 months on sick leave as I was experiencing a burnout. 

My burnout was caused by a mix of things: Yes I had worked in fast-growing start-ups for multiple years; Bird and the rocketship called Uber before that. Doing 60 hour weeks working across multiple time zones wasn’t something I had shied away from, I almost did it for 6 years straight. This meant other parts of my life suffered from lack of attention such as hobbies, my household, my health, friends and relationships. 

But most of all my relationship with myself. 

After really shutting down for some time, which actually was really hard because I didn’t know how to even intentionally relax, I worked really hard on myself during my burnout. I decided this was going to be my first and last one so I needed to change things about myself or the way I handled them. Because if I just kept on doing things the way I did, how would I prevent it from happening a next time? 

I understood for me there was conditioning, patterns, limiting beliefs and a lack of self love or self belief at the root of this. Somewhere along the line I had lost myself and my boundaries. Or maybe I had never actually figured that out at all so there actually had been nothing to lose.  

In a way, being passionate about my work was something that gave me incredible amounts of energy and it was something I loved doing most of the time as it gave me purpose and accomplishment. At the same time it was hard for me to say no to tasks, asks or expectations of me. With a fear of failure I was scared to let people down and make mistakes, feeling the need to constantly prove myself and asking for help came difficult to me. 

I was living in my head and didn’t have a connection to me. I didn’t know who I was, what I was feeling, what was important to me (nor lived by what was important to me), was busy suppressing things I didn't want to face and was always attuned to serving others and their opinion of me. Instead of looking for internal worth I had been taught to always look externally.

Having been diagnosed with ADD about 18 months before my burnout, I now also realize it was naturally harder for me to keep overview and divide my tasks in terms of urgency. The start-up way of working somehow was something that worked well for me as well as there never was a day without ‘end of day to do’s’ and always a big diversity of tasks and responsibilities. Lots of changes and a lot of urgency, I do thrive in that kind of environment. For a mind that back then was already running over (because of those unknown conditioning, patterns, trauma and limiting beliefs and the amount of stress accumulated over the years) it did however mean it was also a big mental ask because of the many impulses to manage.

About a year before my burnout I had become a mom and this event was life changing for me on a lot of levels. My son’s dad, and my now ex, is a pilot so he would be gone from home for a couple of days every now and then, working an irregular schedule. Managing things around the house, giving my baby the attention he deserved, giving my team the attention they deserved and working across multiple time zones became more and more challenging. Giving myself the attention I deserved wasn’t even something that existed in my mind and my relationship wasn’t going smoothly either. 

With an HQ on the US West Coast it meant a lot of my meetings were between 5.30 and 8pm my time which actually means peak hours in any household with children; Daycare pick-ups, quality time to eat, play and cuddle together and bed time are right in between that timeframe. I always felt I was letting one party down and questioned if I could still belong in an US scale-up. When during the start of Covid most of my US colleagues had been laid off, I and what was left of my team had to take over their tasks covering more of an US time zone structurally. It became too much to juggle next to everything else and all that I was suppressing. I just had to hit the brakes.

Even though accumulated stress was definitely a factor in my life I understood my burnout wasn’t ‘just’ about workload or stress. Without being centered, conscious, grounded in my body and within myself, I crumbled under the weight of the load of impulses, tasks to juggle and expectations to manage. If it’s not clear what your own expectations of yourself are, your values, emotions and things that deflate you of energy or that energize you, you simply become a ball in a pinball machine jumping at the mercy of everyone needing something from you. Sacrificing yourself over anything really. That ultimately is what burned me out.

I lost my lust for life.

After my burnout it’s been wonderful to have had the opportunity to start at Settly and work part-time for the first couple of months. Yes it was another scale up and yes after the first two months we started to grow fast but to have a NL based HQ and to work directly with the two founders ( Marieke van Iperen and Kimo Paula who are also parents) whilst being able to have real impact in a culture that welcomed vulnerability and authenticity, was just what I needed. I built Recruiting, HR, Onboarding and Culture frameworks and processes, hired 35 Settlians (as we grew from 14 to 48) and was able to show the real me. A person who doesn’t know it all, makes mistakes, reflects, speaks up, gives feedback, sets boundaries and who is passionate about life, vulnerability and self development; authentically me. 

This I was able to do as during and after my burnout I worked really hard on creating more consciousness within myself. I’ve tried a lot of different things to get to know the real authentic me underneath layers of conditioning, patterns, limiting beliefs and trauma. EMDR, schema therapy, career coaching, ADD coaching and life coaching, spiritual counseling, microdosing, ayahuasca, Lifeforce Energy Awakening sessions, cacao ceremonies, reading tons of self development books and more are things I did. 

Quite the list I know and I think it’s a process that never stops once started. I actually found I do feel a lot and am a sensitive and spiritual person; something that was hidden or muted by the power of my always busy mind. Also because actually feeling was something to be scared of somehow. Not anymore, I now know it’s a power of mine. 

I’m no longer with Settly today as even though it’s a great place to work and grow, I believe all that I’ve done and experienced in life is asking me now to go on a different path.

During and since my burnout I also developed myself professionally by completing an education into the field of ‘Intuitive coaching’. Next to this I became a ‘Lifeforce Energy Awakening Process’ facilitator and am studying to become a consultant into the field of employee wellbeing and vitality. 

Somehow I feel a call to do something with all I’ve learned. Along the way I felt I needed to bring together my experience in the corporate world and the experience of getting reconnected to myself.

Therefore I will soon be starting my own business. 

I will help employers to strategically and structurally think about employee wellbeing. I will facilitate trainings and workshops in the field of restoring the connection to ourselves and our lust for life. To help employees get out of their minds and into their hearts. To help prevent burnouts like mine.

With my extensive experience in, and continued passion for Recruiting, HR, Onboarding and Culture, especially when it comes to building frameworks and scalable processes around this, I will be dedicating some of my time to part-time interim roles or consultancy as well.

Thanks for reading this far. I'd love for you to get in touch with me if some of this resonated with you or if you or your company would want to work with me.

With love,

Chantal