Putting Psychology to Work: 4 Proven Communication Models to Help You Work with Difficult People

Have you heard of DBT? Dialectical Behavior Therapy is the newest, “bestest” standard in cognitive talk therapy, developed by Marsha B. Linehan in the late 1980s to treat individuals with a range of some of the most difficult behavioral conditions like Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and even Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. People who are on the spectrum of these disorders typically demonstrate inappropriate, intense anger, poor communication, a false sense of entitlement, and generally “difficult” behavior. . It’s important to remember that as with many behavioral conditions, these occur on a spectrum, a full diagnosis of these conditions can only be made by a trained psychologist, however, we call encounter people who display different levels of these types of behaviors.

Sound familiar? Is it your boss, a spouse, a colleague?

The beauty of DBT is that while it was originally designed as a treatment for individual sufferers, the techniques can also be used by people at the receiving end of these behaviors to effectively communicate, deescalate, and build fruitful long-term relationships with ‘difficult’ individuals. As with all techniques, the focus is not about changing the way the other person acts, but instead equipping yourself with tools to manage interactions and relationships with these individuals more productively.

Four Key Elements of DBT

There are four key elements to DBT:

1. Mindfulness: How to be fully present, engaged, and non-judgmental in the moment.
2. Distress Tolerance: Dealing with difficult high-stress situations positively.
3. Emotion Regulation: Managing your own emotions in high-stress situations.
4. Interpersonal Effectiveness: Communicating effectively to successfully navigate these situations.

The elements are not new, but the skills and techniques taught and used are revolutionary. The question is: Can we use these techniques to improve interactions with difficult people in the workplace, whether they are clients, coworkers, bosses, or even spouses? Let’s explore.

Mindfulness: Being Fully Present, Engaged, and Non-Judgmental

Mindfulness is about being fully present and engaged in the moment without judgment. In the workplace, this can help in dealing with difficult people by allowing you to focus on the situation without reacting emotionally. Mindfulness techniques can prevent knee-jerk reactions and foster thoughtful, measured responses.

Technique: The STOP Skill

1. Stop: Pause before reacting. For instance, if a colleague is criticizing your work in an aggressive manner, take a moment to halt any immediate defensive reaction.
2. Take a step back: Take a deep breath to gain perspective. This helps in calming the mind and reducing stress. For example, if a boss is unfairly assigning blame, a deep breath can help you refrain from lashing out.
3. Observe: Notice what is happening, both internally and externally. Pay attention to your feelings and thoughts, as well as the other person’s behavior. For instance, observe if the person’s frustration is due to external pressures rather than personal animosity.
4. Proceed mindfully: Choose a response that aligns with your values and goals. Instead of reacting defensively, you might say, “I understand your concerns. Let’s discuss how we can improve this moving forward.”

Example: Imagine your boss criticizes your project in a team meeting. Instead of reacting defensively, you pause, take a deep breath, and observe that the criticism might be driven by external pressures your boss is facing. You proceed mindfully by saying, "I understand this project needs improvement. Can we discuss specific areas to focus on?"

Distress Tolerance: Dealing with Difficult High-Stress Situations Positively

Distress tolerance involves managing your response to high-stress situations. It helps in staying calm and composed when faced with difficult individuals.

Technique: TIPP

1. Temperature: Change your body temperature (e.g., take a sip of cold water or warm tea or coffee). This can provide immediate relief from acute stress.
2. Intense Exercise: Engage in brief, intense physical activity to burn off stress. Get up from your seat and take a brisk walk, or do some desk yoga.
3. Paced Breathing: Slow down your breathing to calm your nervous system. Practice inhaling deeply for four seconds, holding for four seconds, and exhaling for four seconds.
4. Paired Muscle Relaxation: Tense and then relax different muscle groups to release physical tension.

Example: If a client is yelling at you over the phone, take a moment after the call to take a sip of cold water and do a quick set of desk stretches or a brisk walk. Follow it with paced breathing to regain composure before addressing the next task.

Emotion Regulation: Managing Your Own Emotions in High-Stress Situations

Emotion regulation is crucial in maintaining control over your reactions. It helps you to manage your emotions effectively in challenging interactions.

Technique: ABC PLEASE

1. Accumulate Positive Emotions: Engage in activities that bring joy. Regularly participate in hobbies or activities you enjoy to build emotional resilience.
2. Build Mastery: Develop skills to increase confidence. Continually improving your skills at work can help you feel more competent and in control.
3. Cope Ahead: Plan for potential stressful situations. Visualize how you will handle challenging interactions before they occur.
4. PL (treat Physical Illness): Take care of your physical health. Regular check-ups and addressing health issues promptly can help maintain overall well-being.
5. E (balance Eating): Maintain a healthy diet. Balanced nutrition supports emotional stability.
6. A (avoid mood-Altering drugs): Stay away from substances that affect mood. These can exacerbate emotional challenges.
7. S (balance Sleep): Ensure adequate sleep. Restful sleep is vital for emotional regulation.
8. E (get Exercise): Engage in regular physical activity. Exercise is a powerful tool for managing stress and improving mood.

Example: Before an anticipated difficult meeting with a coworker, visualize the interaction, plan your responses, and remind yourself of your capabilities. Ensure you have had a good night's sleep, a healthy meal, and a bit of exercise to face the day with emotional resilience.

Interpersonal Effectiveness: Communicating Effectively

Interpersonal effectiveness focuses on clear and assertive communication to handle difficult interactions while maintaining relationships.

Technique: DEAR MAN

1. Describe: Clearly describe the situation. e.g. “When you dismiss my ideas in meetings, it feels like my contributions are not valued.”
2. Express: Express your feelings and opinions. e.g. “I feel frustrated when my ideas are not considered, as it impacts my motivation and engagement.”
3. Assert: Assert your needs or say no clearly. e.g.“I would appreciate if we could discuss all ideas openly and consider each one on its merits.”
4. Reinforce: Reinforce the benefits of your request. e.g.“This way, we can foster a more inclusive and productive team environment.”
5. Mindful: Stay focused on your goals. e.g. “I understand your concerns, but let’s focus on how we can collaboratively move forward.”
6. Appear Confident: Maintain eye contact and assertiveness.
7. Negotiate: Be willing to compromise. e.g. “What do you think is a fair way to address this issue?”

Here are some more detailed examples:

Example 1: Addressing a Colleague's Interruptions

1. Describe: “When you interrupt me during meetings, it disrupts my train of thought.”
2. Express: “I feel frustrated and undervalued when my points are cut off.”
3. Assert: “I need to be allowed to finish my statements before we move on to other points.”
4. Reinforce: “This way, our meetings will be more structured, and everyone's ideas will be heard.”
5. Mindful: Stay calm and focused on the goal of improved meeting etiquette.
6. Appear Confident: Maintain eye contact and speak clearly.
7. Negotiate: “Can we agree to give each person two minutes to speak without interruptions?”

Example 2: Requesting Time Off from a Supervisor

1. Describe: “I’ve noticed that I’ve been working extended hours without taking any breaks.”
2. Express: “I’m feeling overwhelmed and think a short break would help me recharge.”
3. Assert: “I would like to take two days off next week.”
4. Reinforce: “This will help me return to work more focused and productive.”
5. Mindful: Focus on the importance of self-care for maintaining productivity.
6. Appear Confident: Stand tall and present your request firmly.
7. Negotiate: “If next week is not feasible, can we find an alternative time for my break?”

Example 3: Handling a Difficult Client

1. Describe: “When you raise your voice during our calls, it makes it hard for me to assist you effectively.”
2. Express: “I feel stressed and unable to provide the best service when I am being yelled at.”
3. Assert: “I need us to have a calm and respectful conversation to resolve your issues.”
4. Reinforce: “This way, I can focus on finding the best solution for you without distraction.”
5. Mindful: Keep the conversation focused on finding a solution.
6. Appear Confident: Speak clearly and maintain a composed demeanor.
7. Negotiate: “Can we agree to discuss your concerns calmly so I can assist you better?"

Important Points to Remember

There are some important points to remember when dealing with these types of individuals

1. Keep it Brief: Avoid lengthy sentences, descriptions or explanations. Stick to your point and use as few words as possible
2. Avoid JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain):

• Do Not Justify: Avoid justifying your actions or feelings to the person with BPD or NPD.
• Do Not Argue: Engaging in arguments can escalate the situation and provide them with more ammunition.
• Do Not Defend: Defending yourself can make you more vulnerable to their manipulative tactics.
• Do Not Explain: Over-explaining can lead to more scrutiny and manipulation.

And when the situation gets out of control as it may sometimes do, GREY ROCK

Grey Rock Technique:

1. Emotional Detachment: Minimal Emotional Response: Show little to no reaction to their behavior to avoid giving them emotional fuel. Calm Demeanor: Maintain a neutral tone of voice and body language.
2. Monotone Communication: Boring and Unengaging: Keep interactions carefully neutral, avoiding any heightened emotions, either enthusiasm, negation or interest. Short and Simple: Use brief, factual statements without elaboration.
3. Neutral Topics: Safe Subjects: Stick to mundane topics that don't provoke emotions. Avoid Personal Information: Do not share sensitive or personal details, controversial opnions or contradictions at this time
4. Avoiding Conflict: Non-Confrontational: Avoid arguments; agree to disagree. De-escalation: Stay calm and non-reactive to reduce conflicts.

Remember, no important decisions or discussions can take place when people are triggered, and it takes very little to trigger people on the spectrum of these conditions. Reschedule important discussions to a calmer time.

Conclusion

By incorporating DBT and CBT techniques into workplace interactions, individuals can equip themselves with the skills needed to handle difficult people more effectively. This not only improves the work environment but also enhances personal well-being and job satisfaction. Implementing these strategies can lead to more productive interactions, reduced stress, and better overall outcomes for both employees and the organization.

References:

• Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press.
• Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual. Guilford Press.
• Kreger, R., & Mason, P. T. (2009). Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder. New Harbinger Publications.
• Durvasula, R. S. (2019). Don't You Know Who I Am?: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.

Looking to transform your workplace dynamics and build better relationships with difficult individuals? Breakfree Consulting (I) Pvt Ltd offers tailored training and coaching programs based on DBT and CBT techniques to help you navigate challenging interactions. Whether you’re dealing with demanding clients, colleagues, or supervisors, our expert team can equip you with the tools and strategies to manage these situations effectively.