Reject Rejection: Don't give someone else's evaluation of you the power to diminish how you value yourself

My daughter Maddy, a senior in college, walked into my office last week. The expression on her face said it all.

“I didn't get it," she said, her voice flat with disappointment. She'd had her heart set on a role with a television & film production company in New York (where she studies). Alas, an unrequited love.

It's only human to feel a sting, if not a punch in the gut when someone closes a door you’d hoped they’d fling open. Or just leaves you feeling less valued than you'd like.

Yet, if you study history, you'll discover that most great 'success stories' are also stories of people who have refused to let the evaluations of others depreciate the value they've placed on themselves.

Never let the subjective evaluation someone makes of you diminish the value you place on yourself.

For instance, did you know that when interviewing for a journalist role in her 20s, Oprah Winfrey was told she "didn't have a face for television"?

Or that as a boy, Albert Einstein's teachers thought he was “quite slow” (he didn't read until he was seven) or that his dream university - Zurich Polytechnic - rejected his application, deeming him insufficiently intelligent for their esteemed institution?

And then there's Walt Disney. As a young cartoonist, he racked up dozens of rejections trying land a job drawing for newspapers. Several times he was told he was told “you lack natural talent kid." Eventually, a sympathetic minister hired him to draw cartoons in a small, dirty shed behind his church. After spotting a small mouse run across the floor, Walt sketched it out, penciling Mickey Mouse into life. Those rejections fostered resilience for what was to come when years later, his idea to build a theme park was turned down by over 300 bankers until one finally saw value in the idea of a park that would be 'the happiest place on earth.'

I've felt the sting myself. I recall arriving back in Australia as a 22 year old after a year backpacking around the world and being unable to land a professional job. I ended up washing dishes in corporate cafeterias for a few months until I did. Years later, my first book Find Your Courage was turned down by over 30 publishers before it was finally picked up. Was the manuscript better the day after an editor decided it was worthy of publishing than the day before? Of course not. Which is precisely my point: the evaluations of others are simply that. Evaluations. Made at a specific point in time, often with incomplete information and in the context of everything else they have going on in their world.

Do they hold temporary power to open or close doors? Sure. But it's up to you whether you give their evaluations the power to hold you back.

Of course, it's easy to assume the likes of Oprah or Einstein or Disney just "got lucky" - "right place, right time" sort of thing. Or that they were simply far more talented, intelligent or connected than you. Yet while each had their own gifts, we wouldn't know their names today had they over-personalized their rejections and internalized the assessments others made of them.

And nor must you.

The Covid-19 pandemic may have given rise to ‘The Great Resignation’ but many younger (and not-so-young) people have had to face closed doors they'd assumed would have opened more easily.  In the wake of such disappointments, we can lose sight of the horizon, over-inflating the significance of an event that, in the long arch of life, will be rendered to a small blip on our timeline. The good news is that you are every bit as capable of bouncing forward from rejection as anyone else. It all comes down to how you choose to process it.

Needless to say, it warmed my heart when Maddy told me later that day, “Don’t worry mum. I know this is just a ‘no for now, not a no forever.’” (Seems my kids do sometimes listen to me!)

Maddy spoke truth. Rejection (or frankly, any setback or miss-step) is a temporary state. It can provide useful feedback - to sharpen our game or refine our value proposition in a crowded market - but ultimately, it means no more than what we make it mean. As such, the rejection itself is not the real problem. It is the story we create about it that triggers negative emotions – like unworthiness, resignation, hopelessness and shame - which pull us down and create a mental road block from venturing back 'out there.'

So, if an evaluation someone made of you (recently or a long time ago) left a psychological wound, ponder these two questions:

#1: Where have you given undue power to the subjective, incomplete or incorrect assessment someone has made of you?

Keep in mind that those charged with assessing the potential of people often get it really wrong. The fact that Tom Brady was the 199th pick in the 2000 NFL draft is a case in point.

# 2: What new doors of opportunity could you open if you decided to reclaim that power and risk rejection? (More so, what doors will remain closed if you don't?)

The irony is that by avoiding the possibility of rejection - or failure of any kind - we reject ourselves long before anyone else has the chance, paying an invisible opportunity cost we can't measure but shouldn't discount.

Just imagine the possibilities that could open up for you if you embraced the mindset that rejection is simply the ticket price for creating a career-business-life that lights you up. As I wrote in You've Got This!:

Over time, we put more at risk protecting ourselves from the temporary sting of rejection than from outright exposure. 

As I said to Maddy... treat rejection as a sign that you're in the arena of your life, not in the stands. Because it's in the arena that the magic happens.

Rejection stings, but it doesn't hurt for as long as regret. So if you've felt deflated by a rejection, brush yourself off (this may take a day or two) then reclaim your power, stand tall in your worth, and put yourself back ‘out there’ – not to injure your pride but to expand your future.

And then... be patient as you courage and persistence pays off, trusting that those doors which fail to open were never meant for you anyway.

Will this be uncomfortable at times? You bet. But as I shared in my recent TEDx talk, what worthy endeavor isn't?

Beyonce once said, “I’m not much one to gamble but if I’m going to make a bet, I’ll make a bet on myself.”

Make a bet on yourself. Your future is waiting.

Dr Margie Warrell is a bestselling author, leadership speaker, and Senior Partner at Korn Ferry's supporting their CEO, Board & Leadership Advisory services.

A passionate advocate for the advancement of women, learn more about her Brave Women's Weekend this April 22-24 here.