Resilience.

In the graphic at the top of this article, there are three versions of how resilience can show up in us as humans.

On the left - a post I saw in my Instagram feed over the weekend, depicting resilience as exhaustion, emotional, overwhelming.

Then I read the quote. Sometimes resilience might be difficult--and it might be that we can't do more than sit down and cry. I'll be the first to tell you if you attempt to bottle up all of the tough stuff and never deal with it--that is not resilience. You have to be able to express yourself in whatever way feels right, and don't let anyone tell you to "toughen up" when life is throwing some hard things your way. (This is not helpful or productive)

The picture on the right is me and my three nephews who I spent some time with last week. These kids (and their parents) have had a rough time these last few months. In July, George, 8-years-old, was in a traumatic accident, falling 24 feet from the top of a climbing wall in Chicago, landing on concrete. His 6-year-old brothers Graham and Frederick, along with their parents, were cheering him on as he raced to the top at record speed. The cheering quickly turned to horror as George pushed off the wall to come down (like he had the day before) and rather than slowly repelling down, his rope was not attached and he plummeted 24' to the concrete. In a manner of about 2 seconds, their family vacation took a complete 180-degree turn and they were thrust into a challenge no family ever wants to have to tackle.

That all happened just over 4 months ago. I’ve watched, often feeling completely helpless, as this 8-year-old-boy, who had *just* made a travel soccer team, has gone through surgeries, pain, disappointment at losing the right to run free with his friends as they finished their summer break, and of course the mental and emotional trauma of an accident like this one. During our time together the other night, as I gave their parents a much-needed break, it occurred to me that the exhaustion of resiliency has set in.

The word resilience comes up often. It's subjective; what resilience means to one person might vary from another's. These last few years have been a global test of resiliency of the human spirit. From the global pandemic, incredible levels of violence, and one of the most volatile election cycles in history that ended with an insurrection. Then on top of all of that, we each have our own struggles. But, as Glennon Doyle says, "We can do hard things."

Resilience is like a muscle we have to train and develop throughout life. If you have known me for a while, you probably know I've been on a very strange/difficult/crazy journey the last several years as I recover from some medical trauma in 2015 that led to a PTSD diagnosis. As a highly sensitive introvert (INFJ for the Myers-Briggs folks), I tend to carry a lot of stuff around with me for a while before I decide to deal with it. For years I have been VERY good at the anti-problem solving method of just pushing it way down and trying to move on and/or forget it. It was inevitable that one day I would have to confront it. Thankfully, I have met a few people in my life who have helped by giving me the tools I need to handle adversity in a productive manner. The first is my therapist. I'm not exaggerating when I say I think we should all have one. Mine is exceptional. The best way to identify the right one? Well, when I walk into my therapist's office, I can literally feel all of my armor falling off and I can be 100% transparent with all the things.

The next is my coach, Kristen Hadeed. I've been working with her for about a year and a half after hearing her speak at the Economic Club of Grand Rapids in a virtual lunch in March 2021. Kristen wrote a great book called Permission to Screw Up, which I read in about a day. I will talk all day about how much I've learned in her Human Leadership Program, our monthly Masterminds coaching group, and her R+R Retreat. As part of Human Leadership, she takes you through an activity called the Resilience Resume. The Resilience Resume is pretty much what it sounds like - you sit down with a sheet of paper or at your computer and think back through life and all of the challenges you faced and overcame. The end result is a tangible reminder of just how resilient you are--and just like you tackled all of those challenges, you'll tackle whatever you are facing now.

The third teacher, well--teachers, are my nephews. I have four and they are between the ages of 6-10 years old. It is often said that kids are resilient--and it's true. But it doesn't happen overnight. First I'll share a bit about Isaac. Isaac was born with something called craniosynostosis, which means that his skull was fused together at birth, rather than him having that soft spot most babies have. He had his first CT scan at 2 days old, and then after several appointments, my sister and brother-in-law chose to have his surgery at Helen DeVos Children's Hospital. At just a little more than 5 months old, doctors opened his noggin and broke his skull into pieces before putting it back together, which was necessary so his brain could develop normally and he would hit his milestones. Today, Isaac is a hockey goalie who lives for time on the ice (and I think we are all grateful he has chosen a sport where he has a whole lot of protection for his head!).

On August 5, 2016 Graham and Fred arrived in the world about 7 weeks early. They were the tiniest tiny humans I had ever seen. Graham was about 3lbs and Fred was all of 2lbs. They spent their first weeks at The Gerber Foundation Neonatal Center at Helen DeVos Children's Hospital. Thanks to the incredible team in the NICU, the power of prayer, and patience, they grew, learned how to eat, and were able to breath on their own. They've had a lot of doctor appointments as they grew, but are two incredibly healthy, strong, and smart six-year-olds.

George (big brother of Graham and Fred) is eight. He has taught myself and hundreds of others what being resilient is. In July of this year, my sister's family went to Chicago for a few days of fun before they had to start preparing for school. One of the favorite spots for the boys was Navy Pier--specifically the climbing wall. The night before they were to head back to Michigan, they took the boys to see Navy Pier at night and take one last climb on the 24' climbing wall. George took his turn and got to the top in record time. He got to the top, hit the button, and pushed off the wall to repel down as he had done the day before. Only this time...the people who were working the ride did not tie his rope to his harness...and he fell to the concrete below. In the few seconds it took him to hit the ground, their family was forever changed. George spent a week at Lurie Children's Hospital in Chicago where he had 4 surgeries and thankfully, was able to return home in a week. He fell on his left side (rather than his back, which would have almost certainly left him paralyzed) and broke his leg in 3 places, a couple bones in his chin, and had a concussion. Almost instantly after we shared this on social media, there were prayers and well wishes coming from throughout the country. His resiliency was incredible. While he still has healing to do, and probably another surgery, when I got to their house last week he was outside playing soccer with his buddies.

But there's an another layer to our resiliency. It's the thing nobody can see, which often makes it hard to understand. It's our mental health. This takes a little more work. I think we have all had to overcome some form of trauma these last few years. It was inevitable. The world is a different place these days and as we all adjust to a "new normal" in post-COVID times, one big lesson we can (all) take away is that it's okay to not be okay. It's perfectly fine to take a mental health day. It's healthy to make time to self-care because self-care is not selfish. Vulnerability is not a bad thing (it's tough sometimes, but not a negative!). If you're having a hard day--be kind to yourself. If the bad days seem to outnumber the good ones, ask for help. There is now the 988 number to easily connect to the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

Resilience is tough. It looks different for all of us at different times in our lives. Be patient with those in your life who are struggling, because even if you have a fairly easy time of "bouncing back" after a setback, it's not necessarily easy for everyone. I'd love to hear your stories of resilience and what it means to you - share in the comments!