Response to Cara MacKay's 5 Stages of Lockdown

Cara's article on lockdown and the impact it has had on her, her family and business has obviously hit home with many folk.

Personally, I thought it was a brilliant, open and honest article as is everything Cara does, but also backed up by some of her personal research. I've been furloughed since the 27th of March so in a totally different situation to Cara but have still gone through many recognisable phases during lockdown

In The Beginning:

Cuttin' aboot like a fart in a trance wondering what the hell is happening. Things like this dinnae happen in Fife!

Denial:

This will finish tomorrow...I'll be back at work on Monday...why have they got those bams working in "my" warehouse? (skeleton staff my arse)...why is no one phoning me every 2 minutes? Checking my work email (which technically I'm not supposed to be doing) no one is emailing me, have those bastards shut down my email account?

Uninterrupted Hours:

Mine were distinctly different from yours. Uninterrupted hours of "what next", walking round the garden like a deranged Polar Bear in a communist era zoo, following the same path until I had worn the grass flat. Primary thought...they're gonnae bin me. Cutting the grass twice a day, occasional run to the shops for the essentials, bit of work around the house and in the evenings Evelyn and I went for "The Walk". Every other night we would get a video call from our Grandson Louis, he's terribly 2 and looks like a caged animal. I keep joking with Evelyn that we need to take him into care to protect him from his parents but in reality I just want to pick him up, spin him around my head and give him a cuddle. Generally speaking, I'm shit at sleeping, lying awake planning moves of stock, changes in teams and how we will manage incoming product. Now, it's all about Louis, plans of taking him up the den to guddle in the burn and get claurty together. Continuing to get up at 0530/0600 in the morning is crazy because it's prolonging the agony but I can't stop. Some crazy innate fear that having a long lie will turn me into...something? Maybe being normal is my fear? Psychologists amateur and professional can discuss among themselves.

The Swap Over:

Mine was primarily in roles. My wife works in early years education and has been trying to drag her team of early years officers kicking and screaming into working online every day when they all seem to think this is an extended paid holiday (my opinion not hers). She's working longer hours and trying to complete the last assignment in her degree course for this year. I've swapped over to effectively become a house husband. It doesn't make me a bad man, in fact gives me a genuine realisation on what I HAVEN'T been doing.

Anger:

Anger *appears* to be my primary fuel (apart from bread and tatties like any guid Fife lad). All of those hours pacing around blaming everyone for MY situation, as if it was only me who was being forced into this lockdown. Blaming the neighbours cat for everything then blaming the neighbour for having a bloody cat. Getting more and more furious about everything from #WorkNotWork through to that bloody crow eating the food I put out for the sparries. After I got over that shite I discovered that watching the FM's daily press briefing gave me plenty of fuel for my anger when listening to a collection of clown shoe "journalists" asking the same question day after fucking day and thinking no one has noticed they just jumbled the words around from yesterday.

Don't Let Fear Control You:

The first week or so definitely had an element of fear included. The industry which my employer services were one of the first to be closed down, ergo, one would imagine, one of the last to be allowed to re-open. Industry organisations are putting together proposals/strategies/plans to put to central government so far with no apparent response. Priorities perhaps or maybe they just can't find the prime minister? After a couple of weeks I managed to find a realistic mindset to get through this (I hope) and went back to that good old default of "control what you can" with my own addendum of "keep what you can't control in your peripheral vision so that you can at least see the boot in the baws coming". The reality is that I'm still employed. Much like both relevant governments our M.D. is sending out a weekly update on what has been happening, how they are managing to process web orders etc etc. It maintains a wee bit of connection, which along with messages from my management colleagues and line manager have eased the obvious fear. I'm grateful for that.

Resentment:

Focus's for my resentment went through a wee bit of a timeline...

Employer, why are they working and I'm not.

Evelyn, why is she working and I'm not.

Next door neighbour, why is he working and I'm not.

Scottish Government, 1 hour isn't enough to go any distance on my bike.

Chocolate biscuit manufacturers, not keeping supply up to meet my personal demands.

The bathroom scales...see above.

The crow, that bird food isn't for you.

Neighbours cat, FUCK OFF!

Anger is A Bad Fuel:

Good point Cara. After the first few weeks of turmoil, the Covid 19 rollercoaster spat me out at the other end a much more relaxed person, for the time being at least. Falling back on emotional intelligence made me realise that I was wasting energy, time and focus on just being angry for the sake of it. When I ditched it and got my head into more domestic stuff, kept planning my days (easier for me than for Cara), I was in a much better place. I've had a few days now where I haven't got up until 0730 because I can and I haven't been angry at myself for doing so.

Bargaining:

My bargaining has been low value stuff, mostly around my daily/weekly intake of chocolate biscuits versus my exercise output. The biscuits have won on too many occasions

What Allowances:

I'm now in a mindset where I'm allowing myself loads of slack. This is not a holiday, most definitely not. However, I'm allowing myself time to get deeply involved in whatever I'm doing and trying to enjoy it. Painting the shed was more satisfying than it has ever been. Watching the progress of the tatties I planted in the first week of lockdown has been amazing...seeing them the morning after that wee frost not so much. Thanks to my wee sister I appear to have become the local cycle mechanic, and I've really enjoyed it. I got an audiobook copy of The Broken CEO by Chris Pearse, good listen and I recognised so much of old me and a good few lessons to take into the future. I would recommend it. Is it sad that it took something as serious as Corona Virus to make me understand that actually, work isn't EVERYTHING.

Measure Outputs Not Hours:

I always believe in being effective, or at least that's what I believe we should be striving for. The past few weeks have really proved to me that this is the case. My background is in construction. Along with my younger brother, we worked with our Dad from a very young age. The life lessons were invaluable, being immersed in nature was amazing (apart from when it was pishing rain) he always had time to lift his head and watch the deer running across a field or a buzzard wheeling around looking for it's next meal. We always ended up in the pub at the end of the day, drinking coke through soggy paper straws and singing bothy ballads. Looking back, we learned so much. The most important lessons were all about foundations. Everything you build (and I mean everything in life, not just drystane dykes) relies on the foundation. Build a good foundation and it will stand strong and long. Those outputs in planning and foundation are so much more important than spending time banging your head off of a brick wall for the rest of your life. These weeks past have given me cause to reflect on that.

Depression:

Hands up, I can be a bit depressive and bottle things up a lot when I should really just punch someone (that's a joke by the way). I've had many a depressive thought recently, mostly around "will I have a job". I'm over it. I still have the odd depressive sleepless night about a hundred and one things, some of which I can fix, some of which I can't. The leaky roof, maybe. Peace on Earth, unlikely.

Meltdowns:

I'm prone to an occasional meltdown which usually take the form of an out of control, incoherent, extremely loud rant. I've only had one recently...nuff said.

Loneliness:

I'm a strange creature in that I do suffer from loneliness but also enjoy time on my own. A simple description of that would be I could happily jump on my pushbike and disappear for a day on my own. Best therapy ever by the way. If I knew at the back of my mind that Evelyn wasn't going to be at home when I get home, if she wasn't going to be home that evening, I do suffer from loneliness. A funny thing for a somewhat developed adult to admit to but it's the truth. I usually get in to work long before everyone else. I enjoy that quiet period, I'll have a walk around to see what changes/improvements we can make or plan that days work. I love the tranquility, but know that I'll be joined by everyone else later. I haven't suffered from loneliness during lockdown but I do miss that feeling of the warehouse coming to life as the team make their way in each morning.

Acceptance:

Your Mum's point that "the cure becomes more of a risk than the virus" is solid. I'm very consciously working on the basis that THIS IS NOT A HOLIDAY but think that many folk are falling into that trap. At the point of going back to work, that's where the country is likely to be hit by a mental health breakdown (only my opinion as a broken doon ploo'man). Those enjoying the break are right to, it could be a boost to their mental health and an entry into mindfulness, consciously or otherwise. If they relax too much and "accept" this as the norm then the transition back in to work will be very difficult. When speaking to Louis on a video call I often think about those much talked of parents stuck in tower blocks with screaming toddlers that have no where to go. I have difficulty accepting that. Having worked with people from families like that in the past, I know only too well that these people are real, these people are honest and hardworking and these people deserve better. None of us should view their daily predicament as acceptable in 2020. Don't accept it.

Resilience:

I sincerely hope I can maintain the equilibrium I have gained over the past few weeks and pass it on to others. Those people who will inevitably be hung out to dry after this, where does their resilience come from? Some might say there is a personal responsibility to win your own resilience. I somewhat disagree. Following this episode in world history, if we can't as a developed nation, understand that we need to share our resilience and strength locally as well as further afield we'd be as well packing it in. Let's not.

Going Forward:

Hands up, I'm not planning too much. Daft you might think but that's exactly where I am and not too bothered about anyone else's opinion. The next big thing on our family calendar is September the 18th, the date set for oor wee lassie's wedding. That could play out in a number of ways but I'm not getting steered up about it...yet. Cara's final point on Compassion should not be ignored as the final word in a long article. We have seen compassion developing all over the country with wee villages and big touns setting up help groups for those in need. Please don't switch that off when we go back to work, it's good for all of us not just those receiving.

Good wishes. Rodger