Rudy Discharged His Weapon in Iraq & What I Wished I'd Done

Rudy was our chemical officer during Desert Storm. He was like the rest of us young officers feeling like this was our generational war. Our fathers had Vietnam and we have our Desert Storm.

I invite my fellow soldiers in my unit to contribute to the story so I may accurately tell the story and facts surrounding this event.

Chemical weapons were a real concern and threat to us. Most of us on the front lines believed that Saddam would use chemical weapons. Soldiers being soldiers (insert moaning and groaning), we mostly complained about how we hated wearing the heavy chemical protective suits on top of our already heavy battle dress uniforms (bdu) in the sweltering Iraq heat. We beat up and tore these protective suits while training. If we experienced a chemical weapon before D-Day we would have been in real trouble.

Rudy was the chemical officer and it was his responsibility to prepare our unit to be ready. Under the conditions, it was a nearly impossible leadership challenge. Infantry officer, cool. Medical Service officer, cool. Chemical officer, not cool during peace time, but the "bomb" (pun intended) during a chemical attack.

I didn't pay much attention to Rudy. He was a good dude, but not someone I hung out with during our time in the desert.

A gun shot pierced the dark Iraqi desert sky one night. I learned soon thereafter that Rudy had accidentally discharged his 9mm pistol in a somewhat crowded field tent. No one was hurt. It was an accident. Frankly, I'm surprised it didn't happen more often. It was the first time that most of our soldiers were locked and loaded with real ammunition. Rudy didn't mean to discharge a round and potentially hurt or kill one of his brothers. It didn't matter, his fate was sealed.

Rudy was ordered to relinquish his weapon. An Army officer on foreign soil during a time of eventual war without a weapon might as well be naked. It's noticeable and humiliating. The story spread amongst the men and I would hear jokes being told as only relentless soldiers can do so well.

I didn't see much of Rudy the month leading to the offensive into Iraq. When I did see him he appeared insecure and lacking confidence. He wasn't one of the guys before the incident and he darn sure wasn't more popular after the accidental weapon discharge.

48 hours before the offensive, Rudy issued my unit new chemical gear and pills that we would take to act as nerve agent blockers. He made his rounds and checked in with each of us to make sure we had the right answers in the event of a chemical attack and mass casualty evacuation. He appeared to be too busy to care about what others thought of him during the days leading up to our offensive. He did his job with excellence and I felt confident he would help protect us in the event of a chemical attack.

Thank God, we didn't experience a chemical attack. Our offensive attack was a precise, violent, and memorable 24 hours. I don't recall seeing or thinking about Rudy after we returned to Ft. Benning, Georgia.

I've thought about Rudy recently. More accurately, I thought about my actions, or lack thereof, after his accident in the desert. Rudy was not a threat to us. The worst thing that could have happened to him was having his weapon taken away. We don't trust you with this weapon so we will take it away from you. What it did was take away his confidence. What were we thinking? Do you want a chemical officer in a time of war to doubt his self-worth?

I didn't make fun of Rudy, but I and others did nothing to pour courage into him, to validate it was an accident, and convince him how important he is to our soldiers. Have you experienced a "Rudy" moment? Have you witnessed a "Rudy" moment and seen someone ridiculed for their actions?

If I were speaking now to my 26 year old self I would get to know Rudy. I would help him not define himself by this one action. I would have stopped any joking about the situation by intervening and explaining how it could have happened to any of us and that when the sh*! hits the fan we must look out for one another and how we treat each other now, even our peace time failures, will prepare us to make the best decisions when it counts the most.

Rudy, wherever you are, I would go to war with you again. On behalf of our unit, forgive us for not being a better friend. This is a burden you were never meant to carry.