Santa Chaos, Icy Conversations

If you have neurodivergent children or you are neurodivergent yourself, I know you understand what I mean and you might be smiling behind your screen, right now.

Perhaps your family doesn’t understand why you need to plan extra quiet breaks for your child, why you need to leave the party early, or why you get overwhelmed by the same triggering questions. Honestly, they will never understand.

Here is the truth, the festive season isn’t about making others happy at the expense of your -or your child’s - happiness. It’s about sharing special moments together while keeping safe boundaries for your upbringing. Easier said than done.

The people we love the most don’t understand what we need in order to enjoy the time with them. During these festive togetherness, neurodivergent children are often forced to mask and repress which can be stressful, draining and trigger anxiety.

"go hug and talk to that stinky uncle" (no judgment here but we all have that one in the family)

“pretend you like granny's dinner”

“deal with it for just tonight”

“don't be difficult during the dinner gathering”

In other words, be someone else to please everyone else.

Below are common buzzkillers that can turn any fun gathering into a snowstorm.

↳Keep your cool amidst heated conversations.

↳Stir clear from carrying the responsibility for everyone else's comfort on your own.

↳Ask your family to meet you half way instead.

Put your life jacket, let's go!

1.Give your child a heads up

Kids with ADHD can get overwhelmed by changes to routines or new situations. Talking through what to expect can help.

• Explain timelines (“We’ll be there for about an hour”)
• Talk outfits (“You don’t need to dress up, but please no gym clothes”).
• Hygiene expectations (“wash your hands after meal”)

2.Assign your child a party job

Kids with ADHD often do better at events when they have a job. Ask what your child wants to do to contribute. You could “assign” your child to be the photographer, transition manager, mini chief activity officer (Just make sure your child knows it’s OK to peel away and spend time alone if need be.). As every job, set a fair compensation for it! Life is hard, add some bonus and ask everyone to tip to increase incentives.

3.“My house, my rules” explanation

Explain to your child that every house has a set of different rules. Before going anywhere new, learn the specific rules and help your child understand them. The family hosting a gathering might have different house rules about messy play.

And if, auntie Susie makes you feel like a failure after your child accidentally spill the cranberry sauce pan on her persian 100 years-old-dusty carpet. Well, say thank you, take your children and leave with head held high.

4. Evacuation strategy and spy game

• A christmas gathering may turn into a full day event. A well-watered lunch followed up by a well-watered dinner with the same people can take little weird tangents. That doesn’t mean that you and your child have to stay the entire time. Decide how long you should stay. Aim for short and sweet!
• Set an emergency secret code that only you and your child knows (“if you get overwhelmed, crossed pinky finger and look at mummy”). Spy games are the best to prevent any unwanted intrusion.

5. A firm "no" is worth a thousand unwanted "yes"

Setting boundaries as a parent is easier said than done. Between grand-parents that want to teach you how to parent, your sister that raised perfectly polished tantrum free children, your uncle that never had any child but is determined to discipline yours. So, here are a few of my favorites icy comments that can get you into a snowstorm.

• Remember this: Use a polite but firm "no." You aren’t entitled to makes excuses, be lengthy on the explanation.

Some prompts for you to practice.

• Them: “Let's all go to Auntie’s Lisa after dinner”
• You: “Me and my child don’t have the bandwidth afterwards. But I hope everyone else has fun!”
• Them: “Go give Uncle’s Tom a biiiiigggggg hug. He hasn’t seen you in over a year.”
• You: ”Thank you but my son doesn’t like to be hugged by a -stinky- uncle he did not see for over a year. We will go and say hi to Uncle’s Tom.”
• Them: “Your daughter is sooooo hyper and rude. You better discipline her or I’ll show you how to do it”
• You: “Thank you for your comment. I am her mum/dad and it is under my own responsibility to help her. So please back off.”

6.Schedule check- ins with yourself

• Find key moments - like after dinner, before opening presents, or before heading out for the family walk - and ask yourself:
• Do I need to take some deep breaths?
• That comment makes me feel angry, upset, irritated?
• What do I need to do in this moment to feel fine and safe?

End of the diving. Breath again!

We all deserve to have a cheerful holiday just as much as anyone else. As parents of ADHD and neurodivergent children, we should not have to put our needs (or our childrens' needs) on pause to please someone else. So whether you want to leave that conversation, change a topic, or refuse to answer to that disturbing question, I hope you know you have the right to protect yourself in that way.

You’ve got this.

P.S. If you want to join Meru community, DM me. If you want to support me, a like and share will go a long way.