Santa’s List and your Career – Does Kindness Win?

With the holiday season in full swing, I thought I’d talk a bit about kindness.

Spoiler alert: If you still believe in Santa Claus, stop reading now!

We all know that it doesn’t really matter whether you’ve been nice or not throughout the year. How many Christmas gifts you receive depends more on religion, traditions, relationships, and finances than whether you’ve been naughty or nice.

But how does this play out in the job market?

First of all: What does it mean to be kind?

Here’s one way to define someone kind:

• Good-hearted
• Friendly and caring
• Helpful and empathetic

 By this definition, kindness is an advantage. in Sweden, we have a consensus culture built on jointly made decisions and where everyone (at least in theory) is valued equally. Swedish leadership is often coaching, supportive, and inclusive. We want kind leaders and colleagues!

Kindness can also mean that you are:

• Passive and conflict-averse
• Naive and easily deceived
• Harmless and uncomplicated

By this definition, being kind is not good at all. You risk being overlooked, taken advantage of, or perceived as too passive. Nothing would happen if everyone were “kind” in this sense.

So, is it good or bad for your career to be kind?

It’s good for your career to be kind!

But only under the condition that you are also kind to yourself. Being kind doesn’t mean being a doormat. Empathy must include yourself, too. I don’t mean this in a dull, self-centered way where you avoid “energy thieves” or “bad vibes” — ideas that, unfortunately, have become all too common today.

Examples of kind behaviors that may not seem kind at first glance:

• Want someone to like you? Ask for their help. Isn’t it nice to feel needed and appreciated? Others think so, too.
• Giving someone “negative feedback” can be an incredibly kind act. In fact, I don’t believe in “negative feedback” if the criticism is accompanied by empathy, helpfulness, and genuine interest. However, criticism without thoughtfulness is just brutal.
• Making tough decisions that negatively impact others can also be kind. Without the decision, things might have been even worse.

Behaviors that seem kind but aren’t, when overused:

• Doing everything yourself or taking on too much because you don’t want to burden others. Unfortunately, this means you think you’re better than everyone else (and maybe you are — but probably not).
• Being overly forgiving of others’ bad behavior, or accepting unfairness. It’s “no big deal,” you don’t take it personally, and maybe they’re just having a bad day? If you’re too tolerant, you prevent others from having the opportunity to grow. Also, it is a weird human error to look down on people we hurt, so being too tolerant might make people dislike you.
• Being agreeable, or yielding to the majority even though you don’t actually agree. Again, you hinder both the development of the organization and your colleagues by withholding important input.

How to be kind, and successful:

Combine warm kindness with clarity, responsibility (for yourself and others), and the courage to make decisions and set boundaries.

Being kind also means being willing to expose yourself to criticism, to make mistakes, stand by the consequences, and create good routines for yourself.

What goes around comes around.

Do you agree?

PS: Just today, I tried to be kind to someone, but realized that I was just avoiding conflict. When admitting that to myself (and to the person I talked to), we ended up having a much better discussion.