Saying Goodbye, Professionally

Every Wednesday morning across the past few years I have had my 1:1 meeting with an amazing individual contributor on my team which was a highlight of my week. It's not to say that my other 1:1s aren't awesome (they are), but this one meeting with this one individual was always warm, balanced in our discussion between life and work, the individual was open to coaching and came with an abundance of questions and we were always able to sprinkle some laughs and compliments for one another as human beings in between work talking points. It, at times, felt more like a coffee chat than a true one on one meeting - not to say there weren't difficult conversations too occasionally, but we just were able to collaborate in a way that felt truly authentic.

Last Wednesday, from the jump, that meeting felt a tad less warm and there were some awkward silences as this team member suddenly chimed in, "so... I have an update". Instantly, I knew and was able to catch my breath in time to ask the appropriate follow up questions and present a somewhat sincere level of excitement for him. He was not moving to a competitor, he delivered the news with utmost transparency and good intention, he thanked me for what I had provided as a manager, he named specific examples and outcomes of how our collaboration, work together and coaching have made him a better and stronger professional ready to take his next professional leap. All that said, as the meeting ended, I was still left with a bag full of emotion that truthfully took me the rest of the week to sort through. After several days here is what I have come up with.

• As has been very well stated and repeated on this site and in similar posts, it is an unrealistic expectation in today's economy and job market to assume that folks will stick around forever - while it is important to do what is within our control to try and keep them, it's important to know when to allow someone to move on and continue to grow
• Having been the recipient of shame and, candidly, some emotional abuse in leaving past positions, the last thing you want is to create a notion of shame or bashing around the decision to move on to the next thing. Not only do we want those we care about and manage to leave with a fantastic taste in their mouth should an opportunity arise to work together again, but more importantly, it is in these times that the rest of your team is watching your every move and paying attention to how you treat folks on their way out.
• What is the real role of a manager? This is something I talk about a LOT with my team. The role of a manager, in so far as I see it, is to yes, at times throughout the sales lifecycle provide support and step in from a servant leader perspective - but more so, it is simply to ensure that while working under your guidance that individuals on your team are growing as professionals. This can be sharpening talk tracks, creating agendas and delivering strong customer demos and meetings or redefining the why regarding why certain things are being prioritized by the organization. Nonetheless, I know that I have done my job when an individual in a 1:1 meeting, mid or end of year review or exit interview can say definitively that there was growth and there was success that was experienced while a member of your team.
• it is not our position to attempt to or force to be friends with our direct reports. In some scenarios, there will be the rare occasion where there is an honest and organic connection that creates a deeper level of emotional buy-in to that individual's life outside of work. That is not to say that there needs to be an attempt to penetrate the walls of what is a professional working relationship, but to simply make sure that your people know you are not only invested in the soft and hard skills of the job, but in the understanding that your reality as a human being dictates the persona that comes to work with you. In creating avenues where there is opportunity for true person to person interaction where despite whatever hard conversation may be required, we are able to fully see and celebrate one another as people who are collaborating to get a job done in exchange for a paycheck. Along the way, whenever you can add greater value, revel in it, but don't take it personally when that individual knows it is time to move on. What a joy those memories are! No need to ruin them with a sense of guilt, shame or embarrassment.
• While we, perhaps, do not wish for this to be the case, the reality is that our best employees are the most likely to leave us. Of course, it is on us as leaders to place extra emphasis on ensuring that our people - especially the most valuable to the org - are taken care of and know there continues to be a future for them. That said, it is also the case that it doesn't always mean that the next growth opportunity can always come from within. Sometimes the nature of a good culture business is that folks don't leave all that frequently - especially the higher up we go. As such, while there are many frameworks and exercises that can be done to identify and coach upward those with the most potential, it is also true (yes AND) that those with the best results and skill sets are going to be most hungry for the next thing, and most attractive to other employers out there on the market.

I'll be honest - the immediate reaction for many managers when losing a great employee is that of shame. I can't believe I couldn't retain this person, I can't believe this person is leaving my team, what could I have done better? One or two deep breaths later will clearly demonstrate that these I statements are the counterfactual for what leadership and management is at its core. As such, we must move to a place of joy, gratitude and celebration. Suddenly those internal thoughts transition to "How exciting that this person, with the knowledge and skills we built together, is now ready to take on their next professional challenge and larger paycheck", "that person will move into a new role being able to say how much growth and experience came from our time together" and "I hope that person and I get to cross paths again in the future." I have found throughout the numerous leadership and management training courses out there that so much of the discussion is focused on trying to eliminate the risk of losing our best people, which should certainly be done. That said, when that time does come for those employees to move on and grow, being able to reset our expectations and say professionally goodbye with a full heart and excitement for what they will bring to their next landing spot is the road to a healthy, wholesome and authentic relationship with our careers.