In Search of Being a Little More

This essay began more as note to self. As I went wandering in Toscana, in the autumn of 2019, life revealed itself in a light I may never experience again. The twenty odd days that we spent in Toscana appears like a mysterious reality. Under the Tuscan sun, surrounded by the magnifying energies of silence I made one of the most important discoveries of my life – the only hope humans have is in daring to sustain the act of self-becoming. While I narrate my experiences, I want to admit that the best of them, were beyond words.  

It’s important to clarify at the beginning that this is not a travelogue hence the focus is not on the places and history but on reflections and realizations, as I undertook one of my life’s most eye-opening and soul-revealing journey through the picturesque Tuscany. While recalling and writing about Tuscany, I ventured into the veiled crevices of my mind and heart in order to bring to consciousness the awareness of deeper discoveries that lie just beyond the limits of my sight. In appreciation of the old Italian saying – ‘In vino Veritas’ – in wine (there is) truth; I intend to reveal the discoveries of my truths as the last bottle of the finest Italian wine slowly dissolves into my veins.  

Observing the Observer  

The interiors of the AirBnB apartment we stayed at in Florence evoked an air of timelessness with its eccentric blend of classical and boho chic furniture and wall-colours. Quintessentially English in design, the apartment generated an air of homely comfort and warm aristocracy. The mix and match of floral prints and hand embroidered fabric, the overstuffed sofas and armchair covered with plush pillows, a neutral color palate using mostly muted colours, created a placid abode for us. 

On our first morning in Florence, we had planned to do nothing. We had planned for a pause. Given our busy corporate schedule back home, long travel from Bangalore to Florence and the hectic plan for the next eighteen days starting on the evening of the first day, we needed this time to do nothing. Planned time for inaction, so that we can get ready for the impending action. Infact waiting for action is a part of the action as much as silence is a crucial component of every conversation and stillness is a part of every motion. If we devote our focused attention to these waits, silences and stillnesses we shall discover that they are pregnant with possibilities which are transformative in nature. Pause, is essential to denounce the status quo and certitude by interfering with the inertia of what’s going on. If you are looking for revolutionary or evolutionary change try looking for the pause, for there in lay the seeds of the unfolding future.  

We have come to Tuscany to see, to observe, to immerse ourselves into its history, architecture, art, culture, nature, cuisine and everything else that Tuscany decides to reveal. But to observe, truly observe and see and not bring our own judgement into that process of seeing is probably the most difficult undertaking of all. We are used to living in fragments, we almost never see anything completely with the whole of our mind and the fullness of our heart. We all see things partially, we are conditioned to look at things in a particular way – we are all burdened with belief, with tradition, with the past, with our way of living and all these prevent us from observing and also listening. We all live in a state of permanent hypnosis created by our culture and society.  

When people are speaking, I often find that what they are saying is of less value or importance compared to what I gather out of what they are saying. I create the meaning, whatever the words are and whoever it comes from. Because meaning is always derived from the context;  my context could be different from the speaker’s. I often find that I use the speaker as mirror to see myself. Like a song written in a particular context, I make the meaning of the song in a completely different context altogether.  

One of the things which we need to constantly remind ourselves about is – we have come to Tuscany to SEE. This admonishing is necessary because the mind can very easily move from seeing to judging. One of the ways to recognize that we have slipped from seeing into judging is when you start experiencing conflict with what you see. When we start experiencing conflict it’s time to understand that we are getting stuck in our isolated view tower, from where we are no longer seeing but evaluating. When we are only observing there cannot be any conflict. Because to observe, really observe one needs to be sensitive to all the bias one is carrying from one’s culture, nurture, nature, life experiences and disallow these biases to obscure what one is seeing. Judgement is this inner dialogue of the mind, that wants to box, analyze, label things as good or bad, right or wrong, like and dislike. When you judge, you do so from your context, but when you see; you try and understand others context. Hence in order to see the mind has to be quiet, which means judgement and seeing can’t go hand in hand. It is only when you see things without judgement, that you discover their beauty. As you discover their beauty, you fall in love with them.  

It was time to set the reminder, we have come to Tuscany to fall in love again. So we need to look at Tuscany and all that it shall reveal with a fresh pair of eyes, the one which is not burdened by our past. As we do so, we also needed to look at each other with a fresh pair of eyes. Infact we need to keep doing that; every day. In life and in this journey, we are each other’s only hope. Because it’s all about “amore” in the end, I also invited my soul to join us in this journey. 

Florence – A Vast Network of Memories  

Florence is like a vast network of memories. Significant amount of effort has been put to keep them preserved. Mesmerized as I was by the art and architecture, after a point of time I started to wonder; what are all these museums, works of art, architecture, galleries, cathedrals, domes, castles for? What do people come here to see? 

Most of us have a very limited understanding of art or architecture and seem to admire the beauty of these purely on the outside, then what draws us to such places? There ought to be something more fundamental, basic or intriguing enough to have a story to tell about our past, that places like Florence have to offer. As humans we crave for continuity, we want to know our family history, we take pride in the long history of our country and race, we are always searching for our roots. Continuity probably is at the very root of our being. Continuity creates a sense of immortality, it makes our finite lives connect with infinity. This whole preservation, arrangement, documentation helps us connect with our ancestors who lived centuries before us. The memories which give us the sense of continuity after a period of time become tradition, so the realities of the yesteryears through the channel of tradition become sacred, an identity which requires protection.  

There is a brutality and vulgarity in this whole process of building memorials – cities, temples, cathedrals, empires – the assertion of ‘I am’, and ‘I shall continue to be’. The frugality of our inner impermanence gets reflected in our external search of permanence. Humans are eternally fighting a battle to win over the infinite dignity of impermanence driven by the lust of continuity of our name and the desire to outlast our own death. 

Florence shall remain in my memories as a place where history is probably more alive than the present. Florence stands as a beautiful yet stark reminder of the perpetual recurrence of the human fate – the same joys, the same pain written all over history in different languages. As we examine the flow of time all you can see is more of the same again and again, our future seems to have been written in our past.  

 In Search of a Modern Renaissance  

The world around us is progressively becoming moralistic in its inclination, which essentially means – ‘I don’t like it hence you must not do it’. Some people across the world are systematically imposing their perspectives, anxieties and limitations on other people in the name of religion, economic growth, safety, indigenous culture, tradition, nationalism or racial pride etc. We all are rapidly imbibing those perspectives, anxieties and limitations as our own and making them the lens through which we experience the world. Life in general has been invaded by a terrible sense of ultimate meaninglessness. The steady and enduring stability of our earlier generation has disappeared into the ceaseless flux of desire and ambition. Our incessant desires and lofty ambitions biting us like wolves all the time.  

In these desperate times, we humans need a philosophy that unites us and makes us see the best of what life has to offer. A philosophy that is inherently inclusive and finds way to connect human to human and all of us with nature. Florence, as the citadel of renaissance has a lot to remind us, in terms of a philosophy to live by. The intellectual basis of the renaissance was its version of humanism, which meant ‘man is the measure of everything’ - the assertion of the genius of man and the extraordinary ability of the human race. Freethinking was the hallmark of the age. Renaissance was all about rationality, order and harmony.  

Renaissance with the discovery of the classical outlook, emphasized on the celebration of life in the here and now; things to celebrate in the world around us reflected in that period’s poetry, literature, art, which depicted luscious landscapes, portraits of ordinary people, picnics by the countryside, nudes and more. Compared to the High Medieval period when most art was devotional art, anything to do with the story of religion; art was very corrosive – souls suffering in hell and all about how you get through without sinning too much. Afterlife seems to be more important than life itself. Today the world is at the risk of moving back to today’s equivalent of the Medieval times. What we truly need today is an expanded outlook for life; a modern Renaissance. 

The idea of a good and ideal life does not have a right answer; everyone has an opinion on what a good life is; you get to make your choice of the life you want to lead– your chosen life. Humanism is not a perspective document of dos & don’ts, the only condition is : think for yourself, make a choice, live a life you have chosen, take responsibility – choose your own life. It prioritizes our human identity above all the others and emphasizes on the fellowship of man with his/her emotions. We need a similar philosophy today – one which ties humans together as a collective yet at the same time provide breathing space to nurture and shape their individualities and idiosyncrasies.  

 Scrapes of Humanity  

As you walk through history, killing each other seems to be a fundamental human disposition; but we humans have for ages justified killing as a method to advance our belief, and many a times in the name of religion. Nature is one, Creation is one, but human mind is always divided into – Us and Them; for “us” to prevail we shall have to obliterate “them”, that’s our credo. This division of “Us and Them” in our mind is the lurking reason behind of all forms of violence. 

Countries, Gods, philosophies and beliefs are invented by our thoughts. Our thoughts create illusions and these illusions evolve and expand and become larger and larger and our imaginations keeps feeding them. Art, literature, poetry, music all come together to make these illusions formidable forces which become a form of human identity; identity is always an instrument of exclusion. Just like religion, democracy, communism business, money and nation have become new identities and thus become one with what they originally intended to oppose.  

the dead smiles back  

from their asylum of blood-stained canvases  

their words appear more like a farewell song   

standing there looking at them  

I am more breathless than the deceased  

almost chocking in my obsessive isolation   

there are memories everywhere 

memories bursting through  

the bandages of time  

an ancient pain has been inflicted upon us  

from the time I said “me & you” ; “mine and yours’ 

since then we have been slitting throats  

of our own shadows  

rejoicing in blood  

of a child being murdered  

by its mother  

nothing will remain of anything  

and the roadside of Florence  

is littered with  

scrapes of humanity  

just scrapes of humanity  

Why is David Naked  

As we went around the galleries in Florence, marveling at the creativity of the Renaissance times, I often wonder how so many geniuses of art, architecture came to life in such a short succession of time. I believe that every age has similar amount of latent potential, what makes some of these ages extraordinary is how they channelize these talents and align them to a vision; a clear sense of what art is for. Lorenzo de’ Medici and others from the Medici family used their finances and influence to promote their vision of beauty, truth and wisdom through art and architecture. Renaissance is all about this vision.  

While we all stood in admiration of the tedious magnificence with which David has been sculpted, my four-year-old son in his innocent sense of wonderment asked ‘Why is David naked?’. Our guide (a sculptor himself) amused by the question, began explaining about the evolution of art and the revival of classical antiquity during renaissance which celebrated openness and natural expressions. 

 WE are all the same  

Sitting at the feet of ‘The Rape of the Sabine Women’, I was confused about boundaries.  

Deep Inside, I am an amalgamation of so many things, which can’t be reined in by narrow boundaries of nation and culture. I belong to the world; the whole of humanity; I am connected to every mind that ever thought, to every heart where creativity blossoms; I belong to the now and to the antiquity. I belong to hope and despair at the same time, to life and death, to all enthusiastic yeses and the assertive nos, I exist in dualities, and even in my finite existence I am connected to the infinite. We humans are all the same, because our consciousness, emotions, feelings, beliefs, fears, joy ,love are similar to the rest of the mankind; we speak different languages, follow different customs, believe in different Gods, but these are superficial differences, all external to the man, but inside we are one and inseparable. That’s why we are able to connect with human thoughts and creations from a different epoch in time and space and interpret it in our context. Being connected to humans from the past, present and future we transcend our finite existence and become a part of the infinite flow. And when you are connected to the infinite, everything turns into possibilities.  

 Nothing is our Own  

While going around Galleria dell ‘Accademia; PINOCCHIO & DANTE MUSEUM; Uffizi Gallery; Duomo, Palazzo Vecchio, I came to acknowledge that we are a part of the vast stream of consciousness, the vast stream of human actions and thoughts; no knowledge is our own, we take from the flowing stream of human consciousness and then remold it and contribute it back into the stream with our own flavor. All we do is finding the new in the old and old in the new, celebrate the convergence of time past and present; nothing really goes away or nothing really is born afresh; we learn to interpret things in different light at different ages. Nothing that we carry is really our very own.  

 Affirmations of Life  

The sound of a very powerful, melodious and silky voice attracted me inside the Santa Margherita di Antiochia Church, at Vernazza. The strength of the tenor’s voice resounded through the empty spaces in the church and coupled with the sound of Mediterranean waves lashing against the rocks created a strange mystic milieu. Her voice filled my heart like a large wave wrapping itself on the rocks, in a way that I could feel the voice running in my veins and the violin sound adding a pathos to the composition that awakened every carefully hidden emotion in the deep fissures of my heart. Before I knew it, a stream of tears started gushing down my eyes; I didn’t quite know what I was feeling, but then unexpectedly I felt lighter, all the madness inside me made perfect sense, I ended up loving myself a little more, forgiving myself a little more. The power of music and faith is nothing short of magic, they have no language, yet they are the shelters of humanity. The music which the tenor and the violinist created inside the church was for me a revelation of my emotions and an affirmation of life.  

Life is in the Slow Lane  

We discovered a strange quality of the Italian meadows as we became more intimate with Toscana and moved into its villages. They magically create a sense of latency in a way that time seems to be moving in slow motion; I could actually count the moments in time. From inside that sized frame of time, I confer that back home we live life in the fast lane, where we are not aware of what is going on around us, infact we are barely aware of what’s happening in our own life. Suddenly we were transported to a place where I could notice all the life around me, life as it was happening, life as it is NOW. 

In the fast lane life was passing us by; but here in the lap of nature we consciously share life with so many other forms of life around us, we can touch and feel it moment by moment. In the slow lane you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions. That makes you feel connected to the infinite life that exists around us, each moment of my time is composed of so many different thoughts and actions, so much that’s beyond the comprehension of this mind; as I looked deeply, life at each moment of time appeared to be an endless process of becoming and ending.  

 Geletto – the walk of life  

Every hand-made gelato is a work of art and their creators are true artists. For a perfectly smooth and creamy gelato, its solid and liquid ingredients need to be mixed together in proportion, just like for perfect art, technique and vision needs to create an impeccable amalgam. As you enter any gelato joint, the different color schemes of the various kind of gelatos creates an optical oomph. After his first gelato, my son never looked back. The maxim of the 4-year-old became a balanced diet is a cono di gelato in each hand. While deciding on the flavor, he tried everything – a dark chocolate for pure unadulterated pleasure , the silky-smooth hazelnut with a crunchy bite , the bright  yellow slushy dollop of mango on a sunny afternoon, and much more; the aroma and zest of each flavor was unique. They were all delicious. As you lose yourself in this gastronomical frenzy you are reminded of the triumph of man and his imagination which could out of everyday nutriment create such a culinary enigma.  

One afternoon, after a sumptuous lunch, as we retired in a gelato bar, my son took our orders and went to fetch the gelatos. As he walked back, I noticed, his face was bright with satisfaction, the kind which comes when you discover where you heart lies. My son had made his choice, he has discovered himself in the ways of gelato. That walk was in many ways the walk of his life, the one he will take again and again; alone; to discover his own grace, to make his own choices, to determine the victory of his soul over the chaos of his mind. His discovery as he walked back was the flavor of his soul – strawberry. He undoubtedly has a tangy palate. 

These moments, when we discover the reality about us, come back again and again in our life. Be it our purpose in life, our profession, the kind of music we like, the food we adore, the way we like to dress up, our political ideology or the lack of it, social preferences, whisky, sex, the kind of movies we like etc. etc. These realities enter us simply without any special announcement, one day we just know what we love. As if they were always there, as if it could not have been anything else. But before we attune to the music of our sprit we stay in the state of being “FROZEN”( Gelato in Italian means Frozen) while walking a few miles being someone else, trying options, before comprehending that life comes alive only in union with your soul.  

 All is part of the Grand Plan  

Living among nature, so serene, so beautiful, without a beginning or end; it dawns upon you that every moment carries within itself the making of a new day, a new life at every moment; the symphony of this gigantic existence is nothing less than a miracle. The most fortunate part of this great magic is that amongst all these exist I, as a part of this creation. If we can keep our soul dignified and open, we can see that all the universe, all the light and darkness emerges from inside of us. You become one with the existence when you don’t try to change anything, obstruct anything, possess anything, you just let everything be and let yourself be without expectation without doing …just by being who you are destined to be, you become a very integral part of the grand design …you become one with nature. Every finite being is connected with the infinite universe, all we need is the eyes to see and the heart to experience it; we all are part of the grand plan by default. If you care to look closely enough, you will find that nature is the source from which all philosophies of men emerge.  

We lost ourselves in the green, among the ever-changing shades of Italian green; we laughed, we loved, we wept, we fought, we dreamed, we imagined; we came back to life and to each other in a way that only lovers can. Beneath the wild sky; the stars and the clouds told us tales of fairies and magic; of how every David is born to fight their own Goliath. We realized that all the mysteries of the world and all the mysteries of existence are hidden somewhere deep within us….  

make love in the open fields 

where the flowers grow wild  

where the grey light of the dawn 

cuts across long columns of rain 

you will like it there  

in that open library of love  

the melody of the winds  

and the silence of the skies 

all come together as a Quite reminder that  

love is less about making and more about being … 

The Transient and the Permanent  

The lonely sunlight spread across Montepulciano as we sat in the valley’s cradle looking at the autumn sky. The white clouds hanging low over the valley; the trees learning to let go and waiting for new leaves and then new flowers. On that magical morning, October exhibited that nature was in its ‘letting go’ phase and in that lay the great beauty of life. Nature even in fall looks so complete and resplendent. Seasons are nature’s way of saying that there are no conclusions; there are no absolutes, no finality; everything changes. October is a reminder that death is a part of life; living & dying, dying & living are inseparable part of our existence; nature is fearless because it enmeshes living and dying in a manner that one emphasizes the need of the other.  

The valley had the peaceful quality of an untouched virgin land and we sat there absorbed in our thoughts, fragments of thoughts born out of borrowed desires curl up in the sky as broken pieces of cloud, a reminder of how ephemeral our thoughts and wants are. Across the valley you can see the sun kissed tops of the mountains. The dignity of the mountain and its quiet sense of permanency; the mountains just stand there; they belong to no time or thought or philosophy; they stand there in quiet emptiness in a manner that all noises, chattering, and questions end. What remains is only the majestic tranquility of our existence. All I did is sit quietly far from everything and look at the beauty and vastness of all things that make up life.  

 Network of Interdependencies  

Life manifests itself in the way you have practiced looking at it; when you look deeply without a motive, everything begins to reveal itself. You see the diversity of colours, the variety of smells, feel the texture of every element of life. All living beings in nature are a magic of its own and everything is connected. Life exists amongst these networks of interdependencies and connections; one life comes to its full resplendence only in connection and in context of other lives; nothing survives alone, nature in every way is symbiotic.  

In nature nothing is ordinary, and nothing is sacred, everything has within itself extraordinary possibilities; everything in nature has their own place carefully designed in this gigantic existence, everything has a purpose.

The Sound of Silence  

The most enigmatic quality of the Toscana’s landscape is – silence. As our romance with Toscana continued, the silence became more and more enduring, especially for me – one who has been long in city pent.  

At times I could literally hear the silence breathing. In that silence it was no longer possible to escape myself; I had to face my conflicts, my pleasures, my pain, my confusions, my constant comparisons and my thousand fears. The silence made me see that I am in constant need of illusions and how my own thoughts were playing with me. In the last few months Amruta and I have been trying to do a hard-juggling act, simultaneously managing high demand jobs, frequent job related travels, ailing parents in other cities, daily domestic chores and a four-year-old child. In our attempt to keep all these balls in the air, the one we have dropped quite often is us- the two of us. Egos have been silently bruised, feelings and emotions often left untouched and intimacy took a back seat. We needed an outlet to pour our emotions and come back to each other. The outer silence magnified our internal cacophony, the release of repressed emotions transpired by giving them the space to be acknowledged and experienced.  

The silence was so deafening that you could hear the echo of - your own sound, the rhythm of your own voice, the emotions behind your words, your intentions, your thoughts, the pause between your sentences and their true meaning, YOU HEAR EVERYTHING. Oh Boy! It was scary. The face behind the face I put up for the world , was coming out, I felt extremely vulnerable in that silence. Suddenly the colours I have painted so cautiously on myself to make it look attractive to the world were being wiped out by the silence. The greatest wound we all carry is being ridiculed for being our authentic self. That’s why we all are busy ‘dolling ourselves up’ in shades that the world likes , busy being liked by others most of the time at the cost of our authentic identity; busy being someone else.  

As we sat there exposed in the silence, I started seeing things as they are without magnifying what is or dreaming about what we would like it to be. I was becoming more clearly conscious of my life situations, and the way I was reacting to them and thus the set of emotions which I was experiencing. It was like having a panoramic awareness of my life. That vision was almost surreal. I could feel a growing acceptance for myself inside me; was able to appreciate the joyful aspect of my life equally with the painful aspects and I could clearly see how they were interweaved, one was necessary for the other. They were both the consequences of my choices. Sitting in the meadows I abruptly started experiencing an avalanche of emotions, I lost all willingness to either suppress or indulge in them. I found myself crying and laughing and brusquely staring into space.  

as we walk through the silence  

I can feel that my life hangs by a single thread  

we all are like Dante’s guide  

dictating our own inferno  

with both hands we seize the chain  

tie our soul in sundry thoughts  

and then one day we go away  

without a goodbye  

I held her hand in a loving clasp and said 

“stay with me” … 

forgive me, my October days  

the tragic tune of autumn end  

I gazed into her eye for what remained  

of a day which is about to end  

and I knew I don’t need to go anywhere anymore  

I am home …. 

so I sat there quietly   

observing the silence within me  

and how I am being in that silence 

There is a certain divinity about the place created by the compelling silence that you dare not interrupt, we hardly talked but slowly descended into comfort and the warmth of each other’s silence. Sporadically, a car or a bus passed by, tearing apart the shroud of silence, the dignity and purity of the place, reminding us how undesired human intrusion in nature feels like. We slowed down into the rhythm of our surrounding, lived each moment more wholly and recognized that we experience life more closely in our most vulnerable moments.  

Being a Little More:  

We are all flawed and if we care to look deeply in our flaws, there in resides our beauty. As we gather the courage to go a little beyond our assumed identities and emotions, we discover the truth about ourselves. May be that’s how mankind can truly earn its wings, by realizing that to live their dreams all they must do is; be a little more.  

be a little more, than your imaginations 

be a little like the heedless wind  

a little more than just a spectator; live  

be a little more than the designs of the moment  

a little more than a hot spring of discontent  

be a little more than just scrapes of paper  

a little more than a set of trivial questions  

a little more than a few feathers of gold  

be more of an outstretched arm dispensing hope  

in our cannibal times  

be a little more than romantic poesy  

and a lot more than a rust embracing body in some forgotten scrapyard  

be a little more of the moonchild you were born to be  

drink a little more wine today  

make love a little more  

dance to the rhythm of the moment  

and let the desire of the little more  

set you free to be what you are destined to be …