The Secret To More Confidence and Success: Quieten The Voice of Your Inner Critic

The stakes are high, and so are your nerves.

As you think about the important meeting tomorrow, there’s a knot in your stomach and a voice that tells you you’ll fail.

You replay everything that could go wrong: you worry about the stupid thing you might say, the facts you’ve overlooked, the nuance you’re missing.

Just Nerves?

It’s feels fashionable to talk about our Inner Critics, Imposter Syndrome and the internal voice of self-doubt.  As an executive coach who works with professionals all over the globe, I see this as a good thing…with caveats.  

The more awareness we have about the way our minds and emotions work, the more options and freedom we have to create different choices.  

However, awareness isn’t enough.  We need tools to help us overcome what holds us back and strategies and support that truly help us change.

As the brilliant Tara Mohr says;

While “confidence issues” seem complex and difficult to address, they don’t need to be. It turns out you don’t have to find a magic source of confidence, dig deep into childhood wounds... or figure out how to permanently banish that critical voice in your head.

Instead, you simply need to learn how to live with the inner voice of self-doubt but not be held back by it, to hear the voice and not take direction from it".

That's what I hope to demonstrate in this edition of The Expat Leaders' Newsletter.

What is The Inner Critic?

There’s a nagging voice inside us all that tells us what we should and shouldn’t do. It’s quietly in the background, whispering in our ear. It tells us we’re about to fail, to embarrass ourselves, we don’t have the commitment, the ability, that special something.  It tells you we’re not good enough. 

Let’s call this voice your Inner Critic, or as I teach my clients, their Gremlin voice. 

We can recognize it by these characteristics:

INNER CRITIC vs INNER GUIDANCE

Thinks in black and white vs Can see complexity and shades of gray

Hyper-focused on failure vs Sees opportunity

Doesn't recognise progress vs Celebrates small wins often

Motivates using shame, guilt vs Motivates with love and compassion

Things are never enough vs Believes in gratitude and possibility

Catastrophizes vs. Calm and balanced.

Where Did This Voice Come From?

Our Inner Critics are often formed in childhood, when we absorbed, interpreted and internalized the messages given to us from our parents and the culture around us.  

Perhaps these phrases are painfully familiar:

👇It’s rude to draw attention to yourself

👇 Good people look after others first

👇 Money is a worry

👇 Work harder. That’s not your best work.

👇 It’s better to play it safe.

👇 That’s not for you (or people like us)

In my coaching work with global professionals, executives and C-Suite leaders, I have noticed how much louder our inner critic is when we’re going through periods of change and uncertainty. 

It could be a shift in corporate structure, a new boss, a relocation and starting a new role.

It can also be when we want to see change.  We have a desire for personal growth and want to push ourselves outside our comfort zones. That’s when the inner critic loves to come out and play. 

“Anna”s Story

"Anna’s" father was a highly successful city lawyer.  Growing up, she saw very little of him as he worked extremely long hours.  Her mother was supportive and nurturing, but had very high expectations.  Anna excelled at school.  She was an exemplary student and always driven to “Be the Best” which meant quietly working hard, receiving praise and recognition but never showing proud in  her achievements.

From a young age, Anna had internalized the idea that her worth was linked to how hard she worked and how productive she was.  When we began coaching together, Anna’s main focus was on making Partner. She felt she was overlooked despite working extremely hard. She felt stuck, questioning if she was at the right firm and wondered if she should leave.

However, it became clear that although Anna was extremely productive and hard working, she was not clearly demonstrating that she was also a leader.  Subtle behaviours had crept into how she interacted with others, built on subconscious beliefs about what it means to be “good”

• waiting for her work to be recognised, and resentment when it wasn’t
• the belief that hard work alone would grant promotion
• unable to articulate her value beyond being a “doer”
• waiting for permission to apply for roles 
• working to the point of burnout.

Anna started to hear the subconscious script that had been running in the background, the voice of her inner critic. As this became clear, she consciously chose a different way to see herself. 

She began to focus on what was unique and valuable about her, beyond just knuckling down and working hard: With my support, she experimented with:

• speaking up and asking for opportunities 
• work less, creating space to think and be strategic
• creating a different set of values that served her better
• developing good relationships particularly with clients and key stakeholders
• feeling more relaxed and looking after her health
• bringing a higher energy that influenced others positively.

Not only is she on the path to partnership, her attitude to work, her value and herself has transformed for the better. 

Learning To Live With The Inner Critic

Being at war with ourselves is never healthy and not our goal.  Instead, we can take a compassionate, accepting approach to our idiosyncrasies.

We can learn to live with the voice of our inner critic, not by arguing with it (how exhausting) or ignoring it (doesn’t work for long) but by accepting it and choosing to turn towards the voice of inner guidance, our inner mentor. 

Remember, you have the power of awareness and choice; you have an inner critic but also an inner guide, a higher mentor. 

Your upbringing is part of your unique story, but it is not the only story in this moment. And it doesn’t have to be who you are going forward.

🗣What has been your experience of the inner critic? 

💜 How could you turn to the kinder voice of your inner mentor instead?

💫 Is there someone who might find this useful?  Please share it with them. 

Deema Ghata-Aura is an iPEC and ICF Accredited, Certified Professional Coach who teaches global professionals the skills to navigate challenging work environments so they can restore their confidence and joy.

If you’d like to quieten the voice of your inner critic once and for all, consider reaching out and working with her. 

#DeemaGhataAura

#InnerCritic

#TaraMohr

#Kindness

#InnerMentor

#Burnout