Is seeking validation - a lifelong quest?

From the moment we are born, we seek validation — from our parents, loved ones, teachers, peers, and colleagues. This quest for validation begins at a very young age and continues throughout our lives. Social media platforms have capitalized on this fundamental human need, often to harmful effect, creating a dependence on external validation through likes, comments, and shares.

At The Accidental Ally , I focus on creating career pathways for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities. This work goes far beyond training or job creation; it involves addressing the deep-rooted needs of individuals and their families. Over the past four years, I have worked closely with families, witnessing firsthand the challenges, fears, anxieties, and frustrations they face in a world that often misunderstands or overlooks their experiences.

The Role of Validation in My Work

This morning, a conversation with the mother of a young woman with Down syndrome made me realize the critical role validation plays in my work. She shared the heartbreak her daughter experienced when mentors and colleagues cut ties with her, leaving her feeling lost and isolated. The mother mentioned how her daughter could become overly attached and “clingy” or “obsessed,” seeking validation in her relationships. This struck me, as I had never observed such behavior in my interactions with her daughter. Instead, I found her to be respectful, compassionate, and professional. The mother said something that stayed with me: “It’s because you validate her through her work, not her disability. That’s the difference. Everyone else validates her for her disability, not for who she is.”

This insight made me reflect on the broader implications of validation in the lives of people with disabilities. When validation is tied to their abilities and contributions, rather than their limitations, it can be truly transformative, offering a paradigm shift for a more inclusive future.

My Own Need for Validation

Reflecting on my own lifelong quest for validation, I couldn’t help but think about the choices I made based on others’ approval. This journey led to frustration and heartbreak, as I allowed others to dictate how I should feel. It was only later in life that I began to focus on what truly lit me up from within, finding validation in my own passions and purpose. While I still seek validation in some areas — after all, I am human! — I’ve learned to prioritize internal validation over external approval. This personal growth and self-discovery journey is one that many can empathize with, fostering a sense of connection.

“My Disabled Kid is Better Than Your Disabled Kid”

Within the disability community, there can be fierce competition, even over whose child is more or less disabled. This often manifests in parents gatekeeping opportunities. For instance, one parent boasted about her son’s access to great opportunities, unaware that I knew she wrote all his speeches, which he read on paper. When I asked him an unanticipated question, he was unable to respond because he didn’t have notes from his mother.

Another time, a mother proudly shared that her son was accepted into an “exclusive” college program for disabled students, which admitted only a handful of applicants. I struggle to understand how we continue to create programs that segregate disabled youth into exclusive settings that do not focus on marketable skills or workforce preparation. Admission to these programs is often based on glowing recommendation letters rather than the student’s aptitude.

In both examples, the families were seeking validation for themselves and their children in ways that made sense to them. There’s no right or wrong approach, but it underscores the powerful drive for validation in all of us.

Validation Through Work

Returning to my conversation with the mother this morning, I am struck by the idea of validation through work. I see the impact of my work every day — in the eyes, body language, and communication of those I support. They are validated for their hard work, perseverance, and work ethic, not for their disabilities. I also provide direct and timely feedback when I see them defaulting to behaviors learned from environments that validate them for their disability. This emphasis on the importance of validation in the workplace can empower and motivate individuals with disabilities.

Just last week, I had a tough conversation with the team about the importance of focus and commitment to team projects. It was difficult, and I felt bad about being so assertive. However, at lunch, I shared my concerns with the team, and they unanimously said: “Don’t worry about it. We know you mean well, and we needed to hear it!” I had to fight back tears, realizing the profound difference it makes when we shift our focus from disability to ability, and the value of validating individuals for their capabilities.

Why I Do What I Do

This is why I do what I do. Yes, it’s hard work, and only a few believe in our mission. Employers are hesitant to invest in the future of these individuals. But we don’t care — we want to keep working, learning, and growing. The team of individuals with disabilities that I work with want me to keep challenging them because they know the value of being validated for their abilities, work ethic, and dedication and they LOVE it!

Even if we fail to create career pathways for everyone, my contribution has been significant. I have taught them to seek validation not for their disabilities but for their abilities, their incredible work ethic, their loyalty, and their capacity to forgive a world that doesn’t always see them for who they are.

I hope my contribution to their lives has been to teach them to seek validation from within — the most important place of all. I am proud to say that I have taught them about developing and nurturing self-love and self-worth and, in the process, taught myself the same!