Self-Acceptance – Not Change – Is The Path to Adaptation, and Source of True Power and Success

Change has been one of the most discussed topics for some time. It’s in everyone’s mind

And, yes change IS inevitable – wow! It takes a lot of brain power to realise this, doesn’t it?  

When it comes to personal change, however, most people get it wrong. And the price they pay is extremely high!

This is the reality:

The more you try to change yourself (or others); the less it’s likely to happen.

As paradoxical as this sounds; it’s true. In fact, all good things in life are paradoxical.

The paradox of hedonism (or pleasure paradox) and the paradox of happiness are two good examples. The more you try to achieve pleasure or happiness intentionally, the more slippery they become. This is because they cannot be acquired directly; they are an outcome of something else.  

Self-esteem is another good example – it’s an outcome or product of internally generated practices or a particular way of experiencing oneself. 

The source of our self-esteem is not our achievements but rather the outcome of practices that make it possible for us to achieve, explains Nathaniel Branden.

I mention self-esteem because it is the foundation to living healthily and being successful. Without healthy self-esteem you have absolutely nothing!

Self-esteem is also one of the first things to suffer, if you lack self-acceptance.

It is by participating in activities with others (relationships) that are intrinsically meaningful, that contentment and well-being comes indirectly to us.

Self-acceptance

Ellen Langer is a professor of Psychology at Harvard University, and Shelley Carson is a Harvard University lecturer – a researcher of the psychology of creativity. In their paper ‘Mindfulness and self-acceptance’, they explain that:

“Self-acceptance is crucial to mental health. The absence of ability to unconditionally accept oneself can lead to a variety of emotional difficulties, including uncontrolled anger and depression. Living mindfully entails living daily life without pretense and without concern that others are judging one negatively.”

Self-acceptance is also critical to our self-image, which in turn, also impacts on our self-esteem.

Lack of self-acceptance leads to chronic self-doubt, to anger (which stems from self-hatred or self-loathing), or depression – the other side of the coin.  

Yet, we live in world that wants us to believe that we really need to change ourselves to be and become someone, to be successful, or happier.

Coaches offering profound change and transformation are everywhere!

Just about every second person I meet is a coach of some sort (e.g. life coach, personal coach, leadership coach). The problem is that coaching for change often becomes the agenda for ‘coaches’, rather than their clients’ agenda.

In fact, I would go as far as saying that many ‘coaches’ are in fact more in need of having ‘someone to coach’ than their clients have the need to be coached. Such coaches are easily recognisable. They have a big sign written on their forehead: “I would love to coach you.” The subtext, of course, is I NEED YOU!

Self-acceptance: The Key To Successful Change

Self-acceptance is the first step to personal change and to real empowerment – you cannot change something you have not accepted!

Unless you fully accept yourself for who you are, you’ll simply dislike yourself and try to (or pretend to) be someone else. Often, others will tell you who you need to be – most of the time for their convenience and self-interest, of course!      

Self–acceptance involves self-understanding and awareness of your unique strengths as opposed to trying to be perfect or well-rounded.

Self–acceptance involves changing what you can change about yourself, and learning to accept what you cannot change. It’s learning to own every aspect of yourself – including your ‘shadow’, defects of character, or imperfections, which we all have.  

Self-acceptance is refusing being in an adversarial relationship with yourself.

– Nathaniel Branden

Self-acceptance, and self-appreciation, generates the self-confidence required to make important changes in your life. It’s the ultimate empowerment. That’s why it’s not an easy game to play.  

The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.

― Carl Jung

…and the best way to avoid it, of course, is trying to change yourself!

In the leadership context, self-acceptance, self-image, self-identity, and self-esteem are also the foundations of Self-leadership.

Self-acceptance Implies Action

Self-acceptance requires action: ongoing conscious and purposeful living. That is, paying attention and making deliberate choices, and doing things intentionally by pursuing your goals and desired outcomes.

These are seven useful practices:

1. Build and maintain high self-esteem.
2. Stop judging yourself.
3. Identify your talents and apply your strengths.
4. Experience flow as often as possible.
5. Build character.
6. Always act ethically and with integrity.
7. Build your psychological capital (hope, self-efficacy, resilience, and optimism).I discuss these in detail in one of the chapters (Self-leadership and leader development) in my coming book Leadership Results: How to create adaptive leaders and high-performing organisations for an uncertain world.

Adaptation

Adaptation is a biological term that refers to the process by which animals or plants become fitted to their environment – the result of natural selection acting upon heritable variation.

It’s about adjusting what’s necessary to make you fitter to survive. The challenge is to discern between what you need to get rid of, and what you need to keep for the journey ahead.

The same applies to organisations: “A challenge of adaptive leadership, then, is to engage people in distinguishing what is essential to preserve from their organization’s heritage from what is expendable”.

Happy self-acceptance and adaptation!

Why wouldn't you give this gift to yourself?

Suggested readings

Carson, S. H., & Langer, E. J. (2006). Mindfulness and self-acceptance. Journal of rational-emotive and cognitive-behavior therapy, 24(1), 29-43.

Bandura, A. (1998). Personal and collective efficacy in human adaptation and change. Advances in Psychological Science, 1, 51-71.

Bandura, A. (2002). Growing primacy of human agency in adaptation and change in the electronic era. European Psychologist, 7(1), 2.

Heifetz, R. A., Grashow, A., & Linsky, M. (2009). The practice of adaptive leadership: Tools and tactics for changing your organization and the world. Harvard Business Press.

Luthans, F., Avey, J. B., Avolio, B. J., Norman, S. M., & Combs, G. M. (2006). Psychological capital development: toward a micro-intervention. Journal of organizational behavior, 27(3), 387-393.

© Sebastian Salicru

Sebastian Salicru

(Business Psychologist)

Leadership Development Expert | Author | Executive Coach | Facilitator

Leadership Results: How to create adaptive leaders and high-performing organisations for an uncertain world.